It amazes me these books I pick to read.
Lately, my sleep has been off kilter again. Lots of waking up in the middle of the night and unable to return to slumber.....my twin suggested I find a book to read versus listening to for those moments of insomnia.
Find a book, did I! Hahaha
Chapter 1..... sex scene. Lol
Chapter 7. Reveal of difficulties getting pregnant.
That made me flash to you. I'm not sure if you were just checking my interest level or you were truly vested in having a conversation with me about my desires.
Main character in the book ran into her old business partner who left her "high n dry" during their busy season. The ex-partner was a total bish to her and told her how she and Stephen (the ex of the main character) spoke of her often and her selfish ways. With a dig, the main character said how it was sad they had nothing else to discuss. Then, the ex-partner revealed she was pregnant and carrying Stephen's child. Making the main character flashback to how she tried to give Stephen a child and the person she shared her health evaluation with was the same bish carrying his child. Slap in the face.
In more ways than one.
Hmmm.
Interesting the way life turns out.
People keep telling me I had you first. I think to make me feel like it's okay to proceed. Instead of walking away from another opportunity to seize it. To actually go for something or someone in your case that I want. I recognize my misstep and I recognize it's not fair of me to think you should give me a chance. I could add, what do you have to lose. But, that's not relevant here. With all you have already endured. In your mind, you could think why bother. "After everything she did last time?!"
Words are easy. I enjoy words. It's the putting them in play where I'm like.....do I really want to....do I really want to do this game called opening up, letting someone in, and giving of yourself. It's a sacrifice. Love is a battlefield. I've had so much fun lately, choosing me, picking me, loving me, healing me. Did it make me consider wanting to share these memories with someone? Perhaps. Or perhaps I'm ready to choose someone other than myself. Another reason I feel ready to be a mother. I want to give of myself to another person and allow that person to flourish. A baby or child to be clear. I'm not raising a man. And that statement has different meanings.
Deep down, I feel like there is a draw and I want to know why I'm so drawn. Are my feelings real or have I made them up. Is it a feeling of shoulda woulda coulda even?
I know you're difficult. Oh gosh and stubborn as a mule. Hell, so am I. But, if you are willing to open your heart and let me in. There's no telling what life could bring.
You are difficult that I want to reckon with. Difficult i want to love, nurture, and cater to. I'm told I need to quit trying to save the world. I feel that only applies when the person is not trying to help themselves too. Besides. God says to be a help mate. And to yield and allow the man to be head and lead his household as long as the man is following Him. My training taught me to share the responsibilities and not be a doormat. Love, nurture, care, but part of me adds submit. Wives submit to your husband's.
I feel submission is important for me because I was taught to be independent and to make sure I could take care of myself and not be dependent on another person. What I observed is it takes love, patience, and partnership. And friendship. Friendship is key. And God is the root. Nothing easy is worth having. Life is not easy. It contains so many trials, tribulations, setbacks, and misfortunes ALL to make us better and stronger. I'm not easy, but I know I'm worth the battle. I think you know I am too.
Something I refuse to do is try to convince a person of my worth. If it's not recognized, that's on them.
