I've Decided

After not completely thinking it out and a haste conclusion I have decided that I am not getting married. Since its obvious I have no concept of self it makes it impossible for me to build and maintain healthy relationships. Once I finish school my main focus will be establishing my career and sustaining financial stability. Once I am settled I will have a couple children so my mom can have grandchildren. Crazy concept the more I think about it but I am done with it all.

Questions Answered.

Who am I?
Good question. I am still trying to figure it out. I know I am a woman. I am a student. I am a Christian. I am a sinner. I am loved. None of these truly say who I am and that is why I do not know.

The so-called guns are irrelevant. They are on my body. The statement had to do with a question asked about what kind of guns do you possess. Since I do not own a real gun I chose to say I had guns.

I want you to be mine, my best friend, my lover and the one I confide in. I want to be close to you and loved by you. I want to know you, your hopes, dreams, desires and aspirations for the future. I want to know what you believe. I want my love for you to continue to grow and strengthen. I want to stay up all night with you sharing my dreams. I want to be in full communication with you so you will know I can be all that you want and desire in a woman. I want you in my life and if I can't have you for myself then as my friend will do.

If I fail to get what I want then I will have to continue through life miserable knowing that I missed the opportunity to share my life with you by my side. I believe we met by faith. Introduced by chance and still in conversation by something within ourselves not ready to let go.

I am able to provide a lasting love that doesn't fail. Conceived in love and taught all my life how to love another person. I can provide open communication established through trust and honesty. I can provide a trusting loving relationship built on something far greater than wanting someone in your life.

But what I know to be true is I have not been able to truly give myself.....mentally or emotionally because I have been tied up with sexual emotions with my ex. I have been hiding behind that. I can't invest in you like I should when I give myself to another.
When asked if I was talking to other people....oh yeah I have tried but one really can't unless you are free of previous ties and unbound emotionally to another. (the F you convo I told you I have to have.) Free and untied is where I have to be before I can say I want you.

Who are you?

The constant question....who are you?
It's not a game. I honestly just do not know. I should but I don't. Not knowing myself would make it hard to allow others to know me and for me to be open. I got it....your tired of the fluff, the bs I say, and the unwillingness to be open.

Sorry does not cut it. A lot of people say why apologize. I wonder the same because why do it when your going to end up doing the same thing you previously apologized for. As a child I was taught to admit fault and say sorry but as a young adult sorry is just not enough.

I do come back every time whether it was you or me that ceased communication. I don't want to stop talking to you. To be in full self expression has been a challenge because I have convinced myself that I can not articulate my words and thoughts. That's bs in itself.

I am working on it........ at least that is what I keep telling myself. Maybe I am not the person I keep trying to convince myself that I am. I am lost that much I can admit. Seeking help in that will continue to be a problem because people who got themselves together do not want to hear such talk. I don't even like negative speaking because I truly believe life is full of possibilities.

I'm not a deep intellectual thinker or speaker....I don't even like public speaking. I hold to I am shy and my inability to keep conversation going proves my statement. Those are all the things I wanted to change...and it worked for a while but now I'm back where I started. Positive when speaking to others but how genuine is that. It's not.

I don't speak to my future husband the same way that I speak to lames off the street....to you it seems all the time but to me the difference is I do not speak to them at all and if I do then I get you need to get over myself. Some people are always up for a good challenge. I don't challenge myself very often probably the reason I continue surrounding myself with duds. I have never met anyone like you (which of course you already know) so it's been hard. To be genuine, open, fluff-less. I know it's possible and I know I am capable but it's not happening soon enough. (not soon enough for me either)

Its all so weird. I feel like I can tell you anything but I'm not being open because if I were your questions would not be repeated. I know its something that draws me but I can't even express what it is and why. I don't like explaining myself but I can't continue through life with this attitude. I know I'm not perfect, I want to be up to the challenge but I have not quite figured out how I will.

I do not try to guilt or blackmail you. I ask questions because you continue to say I'm not who you thought I was, who is this what I am speaking to, your closed-minded, your full of fluff. I just ask if you feel that all of that has truth then why are we still here. Enlightening me. I need it but some days I don't want to hear it and those are the days when I speak fluff. I just don't know anymore.

Death

Death is all around us. Months have passed since we buried my granny. Funny as I started writing this post Alicia Key's song "Like I will never see you again" begin to play. This song reminds me of my Grandma, I know I have grown because I used to cry while singing it. I will always miss you granny, your spirit will forever be in my mist, R.I.P. Mrs. Jannie Mae (Mason) Greenlee.


Today I received news that my bosses father passed, my prayers are with the family. I used to not be bothered with death. Having faith in God gave me comfort. I know death occurs everyday but ever since losing my granny I have had a difficult time dealing with death. I feel "emotional less" not real sure if I should feel sorrow or just know it happens. Even when people tell me someone is not doing well I don't know how to respond....whether I should grieve with them or move on and not like their sorrow consume me. I don't like feeling like this....feels like I am cold-hearted....like I can't feel pain even though my heart is still healing. Maybe that's just it. I am still semi-grieving so hearing of others losses is something I am not yet ready to deal with.

Some mornings I wake up and think I have not spoke to my grandma.....then I remember I can't. She is no longer just a call away. My mom told me I can talk to her anytime but to me it will never be the same. I love you and miss you....until we meet again. This post is unfinished but I wanted to post it.

Annoyed and Fed-Up!

Back to writing as a release.

So I have been working on expressing myself better so people know exactly how I feel. It's getting tough. I say no to some very well. Others I need to work on. No longer concerned about what others may think when its all over so that's a good thing.

My releases:

Text messages I send that are gone unanswered or responded to days later. First of volve its just me but there is always a moment to send a message back. I've been busy is bullshit. Just so its known, when I don't respond you will know why. That's my passive aggressive trait taking over!

I text because people act like they can not pick up the phone, plus its so much easier when I am not available to talk on the phone.

Text messages sent asking if I can stop by before you go to work.
A. Booty Call
B. I have a life. It does not include driving out my way to your house.
C. Hell no.
D. What in the hell do you think this is?
If you want to see me there are other ways of asking and the request may be made possible.

You ask someone if you can spend time the day with their child, mind you yes it is their child so saying no is fine. They respond that taking them out of daycare for a day will still cost them money. Then after thought say sure can you keep them all day long and also my other child too.
Uh.....seriously. It's from one extreme to the next. 24 hours ago you were losing money for taking one child from daycare now you are wanting to take both out and ask me to keep them til 9 o'clock at night. Yea ok. I think not.

Then at work today. Our office meeting. They are dreaded by most, it makes me no difference but after today OMG! I brought up getting a water cooler at the last meeting so we could have cold water. We have a sink but it does not get very cold and it doesn't taste so well. We have a freezer ice machine with 17 people in the office. You do the math. Cold water is only possible if you bring bottled water. So people agreed, check the prices and let them know. I did and people complained............boy did they. Only 6 of us want the cooler and dammit we are getting it! I swear others had better stay clear of the water!

I am done trying! Done reaching out and trying to make things work.....friendships in particular. I am good. I will find new friends and if I don't my momma and me will do.