Mixed Emotions

Yea so last night was not a very good night. I made a list on Thursday of homework to do and of course waited until Sunday evening to start. So I was sitting at home texting of course and preparing my powerpoint for a sales presentation. I was stressing about school and feeling down on myself. Unmotivated knowing this semester is almost over...it is literally crunch time.

He was texting me.
It's always an intense topic and last night had to do with me not being compromising. I still don't know what he meant and I didn't bother to ask. A few weeks ago when I knew I lost him again without even discussing the reason I decided it was best to leave him alone because I know I'm not ready for what he has to offer. Ever met a person that was so incredibly awesome that you can not put your feelings in words. Ever met someone that you thought all my life I never thought I would meet him especially (her in the case of my readers) this early in life. Ever felt so connected to someone when you were actually really far apart. I feel like I love him but hardly know him so I don't think that feeling is accurate. It has been a longtime since I was able to truly be myself and we have not even spent time together. I didn't mind telling him any and everything, he didn't judge and most times he offered insight.

I started a text a few weeks ago and saved it in my draft list because I was just not ready to let him go. Something we talked about that night made me change my mind but I knew eventually I would have to because I have not been doing right by him. How can I claim that I feel so strongly but continue to put up with the bs of another. Always challenging me, telling me to take that extra step. Basically give it your all be genuine and open-minded.

So last night I edited the text and sent it. Our conversation was not going so well and I thought it was best to end it then. Told him I was backing off. It hurt me to send it but it had to be done. Cried myself to sleep and thought to myself did I screw up again. Of course I did...I usually do. He called to find out what was going on but I couldn't answer, really didn't have anything to say. Sorry.

I'm really not ready for all you have to offer. I have too much going on emotionally and mentally to invest and give myself to you like you deserve. I have a lot of re-evaluating to do with my life, school, and relationships.

Thanks for Listening