Damn.

One day you are building a life together. And the next day, it's over.
Done. Faneto.

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Draft from Feb 2018.

I'm awake early and on the computer....which is a surprise considering when I went to sleep last night. I have been on a task to watch all old seasons of "The Big Bang Theory" and a feat it has been. Only a few seasons owned on disk set. AHHH my life.

I was able to finish them all with tv recordings, disk sets, and videos from Internet. HA. What I watched during my 2018 recovery.

I suppose I could begin my work day, however think I should use my leg pump instead. Yes, a leg pump. I'm a old head. I feel all these health things are a sign. Sign of something.....who knows. Post was not meant to negative. Any way, leg pump is for the Primary Lymphedema I have in my foot and ankle. Managing has been very much annoying. But, it does look better.

I need to center.

Reading Oct 2017 post “The In-Between”

I am back in that rut currently.

Trying to find my happiness.

Still not with child.

Wishing for a different house.

Wanting to be a stay home wife. I mean, it’s not like I have a child. 

Yes, I am bitter. Haven’t been in a while or even able to admit where I was emotionally. I told my mom last night, I think I self soothe. Which is the wrong terminology. Telling you, I am losing brain cells. I drown my sorrows in alcohol. Well, wine to be specific. It’s not like I have picked up heavy liquor.

I tried therapy just as part of EAP….didn’t make future appt. for me since there is a larger picture.

But, I am still seeking and searching for something…..something to push and drive me and to make me feel better about life. I still do not have my “new focus,” but I am going to diligent develop a relationship with my almost teenager Goddaughter. She needs someone in her corner. I may not be mentally stable in my own self passions, but I can young adult the shit out of life. At the end of the day, I am still accomplished.

I am going to refocus my life to Christ also, I have gotten away from my center and it shows.

So, basically, to wrap this all up. I am in a bad place mentally and emotionally so I am seeking my outlet which I know to be my center. I have scriptures up around my desk to read and bring me back. Reminds me of something Nina did when we worked in the HELL center for Farmers. My scriptures are supposed to be daily, but I don’t daily leave my house. They do help too. I talk to my parents a lot as an outlet and support. I told Chad I am always trying to change something and since there is not much, I can change quick. I change my hair. Typical woman.

I’ll try to get back sooner. Thanks again.

🔐💜😧😫

She's Back.....I hope.

The best way to do this…..I re-read my last posts just to give myself a starting point. 

Fall 2017…..just a long time ago. 

Can’t tell you what I was doing. Getting settled into my new home, I suppose. 

Oh, I was busy at work. Ugh. I was on an auditing project for data files…..many late nights. The worst!

Fast Forward.

Hmmm. I focused on my health a lot. The PT in 2017 for my neck and shoulders leading me into surgery. I had breast reduction surgery March 2018….going from ENORMOUS to itty-bitty committee. I still love them, although I often reference how they no longer exist ☺

Also in 2017, I obtained a diagnosis for my swelling foot and ankle and a life style change I was supposed to commit to. If I am honest, I don’t commit to much. But, I got a $7000 machine at home to help me anyway.

Summer of 2018, I started working at bar and grille near my house….it’s been a year and I am over it. My family loves the discount, they can work there if they like. I cannot stand being a regular customer that now works there. I need my sanity back. Although since surgery this past April, I have not worked much. Still healing. 💀👎😧

I believe I joined the book club last summer also, yeah. In June. I am behind on dues. Bad girl.

I can already tell my writing is going to shit. I need more practice. Thank you for mentioning my blog to me. I do miss it. However, I think I am narcissistic…I mean something has to explain why I post a memoir about myself to later go back to read to remember what I was doing during certain periods of my life. I guess my book could be a memoir. Anonymous perhaps. Could get interesting.

I love writing! Thank you! *muaw*

I really have been focusing on other things so I haven’t taken the time to just write my thoughts.

By Fall of 2018, I had three jobs. Yes. Crazy. Well, one “career” and two part-time jobs. I guess I wasn’t busy enough occupying my mind that I had to add to it.  Got a promotion in 2019. More money, still don’t like it.

Did some travel in the last couple of years. 

Significant: Florida Keys in 2017, developed a love for Omaha in 2018, still waiting for 2019. BUT, I am spending Christmas on the West Coast!!! I am in planning mode…..of our itinerary OF COURSE! Planning and researching areas could be a passion. I am good at it too! Travel agents don’t make $$$ though. My beautician did tell me to start the passion while still working my career. I should look into my bar again. Oh, on that note. I reverted to relaxers last December.

My reason. I missed how I looked when looking through old photos of me.

My excuse. The wintertime made it hard for me to keep my head covered with my pouf and I get sick easily.

Well, guess that’s the catch up.

Now for 2019, and living a LIFE I LOVE.