Continuing my plans.

In my search for a new post idea, I noticed the below in a previous post and I wanted to expound on it.

"I am deciding more and more this single parent thing just may be all right. I won't have to change, I won't have to give up who I am. I'll hopefully graduate in May 2016, secure a career making enough to support myself and start looking into sperm banks and artificial insemination.

 This all seems like I am unwilling to work with others but in truth, in compromise I will do anything for those that I love. I just can't do it if they would not do the same for me. My dad hit it on the head Friday, "never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." I've heard this saying often, hadn't realized I was living it again. Yet it showed from the outside. I sometimes want to crawl into a ball and just have cry parties, but I know they won't solve anything. And my mom won't let me. She is so strong, she wants that for me too."

Flashing to 2020:

So I did it! I brought sperm online and was inseminated twice. 

All in the middle of a pandemic.

Going back for some background story. 
I apparently wrote the first 2 paragraphs when I was not married. I was married for almost 5 years. We spent most of our marriage trying to have a child. I won't go into all details, but it was determined I had Endometriosis. I underwent a special invasive procedure to "clean" up my uterus and prepare my birth canal for a child. My OB provided an after surgery report, stating I was clean as a "whistle and ready to conceive!"

 We tried for about 2 more months, then requested a specialist referral. 

I was referred to an infertility specialist in KC at KU Med. My appointment was not until September like 3 months later. By the time September rolled around my marriage was on the rocks and I had no interest in conceiving NOTHING with the man I was married to. (This is why he is referenced as such.)

Fast-forwarding- lots of exams and labs later I was told I could be inseminated. This was October 2019. Decision I had to make for myself. I contacted my Doctor to let them know I was not moving forward with the procedure at the time. 

About a year later. 

Single. Healing. Ready.

I contacted my Doctor's office and obtained information on how I could proceed with the IUI process using donor sperm!

 WOW! 

I amaze myself. 

I researched banks and choose a profile to buy sperm; I brought three! Careful to select a donor of African-American descent. I did not want anyone to think my baby could be his.
More labs and exams later. My first IUI was scheduled. I got up early and drove myself to KC for a 7:15am check in. What an experience! The nurse says to me, "let's make a baby"! 

I was soooooo overjoyed and elated on the possibility. The procedure itself wasn't too bad, it was really similar to getting a pap exam. I had to lay still for about 15 minutes after, then I was on the road back home. As shared with me, there was sufficient cramping and pain. I laid in bed for hours trying to feel better. I had to wait 3 weeks to take a pregnancy test.

3 weeks later. Negative. 

Emotions ALL OVER the place.

The same occurred one more time. 

Then, for mental sanity I took a break, I was in a low place again. I think this is why I reached out to the man I was married to and caved which led to dating him. He was my person, the person I had shared all my disappointing negative pregnancy tests with month in and month out. He was my support, he was the person I shared these intimate moments with so it made sense (somewhere in my brain) that I should give him another chance. 

Still, no interest in having a child with him. Which should have told me something. He even tried to convince me to destroy my sperm and he would pay for it. Just have a baby with him. "None of my procedures worked because I was suppose to have a baby with him, my husband." Except, you aren't my husband and never will be again. 

All the lies and deceptions aren't worth calling out. In short. He is impotent and lied about it. 

Now, here we are September/October 2021. One vial remains and it's almost time to pay the hefty storage fee for the next year. I am undecided.

I tried in September to have the procedure done again, but my labs were off. In short, too much comfort food and alcohol.

So, I told myself....I am not ready. And I don't know if I ever will be. The desire for it is gone or I am trying to suppress. I just want to live my life and be happy. Stop being focused on something I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER. Control is hard for me, I am a Virgo. I have spent the years of my early 30s focusing my life and everything around having a child. From where to work, to making sure the benefits were good, to buying clothes, items for a baby, planning trips, buying a house. Who buys a house to grow into? A planner, but I know better knowing my life is not in my control. 

I am really considering adoption. I have thought about freezing my eggs. I have considered surrogacy with all of this its about putting some much into something really for someone else. I don't want my mom to never be a grandma. I understand why she didn't have other children, but it puts so much burden on me. It still goes back to, maybe I am not ready. I have never made the hard sacrifices. I have spent money and time, but never giving up anything or slowing down. I always would say to myself, well XYZ never had to and they were intoxicated at conception. 

Just excuses. 

All excuses.

 
So, I here I am. Unsure. I am going to just focus on me. Love me and learn me again.