Advice Taken.

So, I took your advice. You don't think I listen to you. Ha.

Now, I'm flashing as I consider my descend upstairs. All those nights on Mercury. Drunken state climbing the stairs to bed. A unhappy shared bed with a lying, cheating, piece of a man. 

I am glad I am no longer there. No longer living that miserable existence. 

Now, just going to bed drunk and alone. 😅😆

I hope I don't regret any of this when morning comes. I need a pill. And more more water. 

Peace. Soul.  And me. 

Loving me. 

Bask. Fuck. Dick you down.

 Not in that order.

It's Taco Tuesday. 

We discussed Taco Tuesday prior and didn't manage to link up. You thought I was hitting your spot and my choosey buds took me elsewhere. 

After communing, you hit my line and caught me up on the day. I sit in pain as it's ovulation week and I'm not ready to disclose my inner demons of constant pain and discomfort to you. As I sip my wine I am reminded of the prior week of my bout with COVID x 2. Fucking white party. 

I sigh.

I damn near missed the most awaited wine festival and the highs and thrills of my B'DAY quickly faded. I cringe drinking my wine, I think my taste buds are shot. You tell me to "just drink, and hopefully my high will make it worth it". I disagree. I'm not trying to get to that level, I say. It is a "school night" after all. 

I'm basking okay, I'm basking. I should have taken you up on that offer of "tucking" my ass in. 

After we disconnect, I think you had a point. You tell me since I don't want the wine, perhaps being dicked down will suffice. I sigh. 😆 Yeah. I'm not sure on that. 

But it's the beginning of a beautiful exchange of words that make me smile and feel alive. I'mma fuck up this wine and count the sheep. 

Until manaña when you grace my line with your sultry voice and alluring mannerisms. It's all ma'am and sir..... I'm eating it up. 

My Season

I believe this is what that is suppose to look like. 

When someone is genuinely interested in you and getting to know you. 

 It could be fake or imagined. 

 It's not over the top or forced. 

 It's the amount of pressure applied from both sides.

 It's the daily phone conversations. 

 It's the occasional messages throughout the day just to steal a moment to let you know they're thinking of you. 

 It's the request to see your face and making it possible. 

Twin keeps saying, it's my Season and we won't allow doubt here.

I'mma bask in it. 🙌🏾

Fantasy dreamer

 OHH

I am such a hopeless romantic and wish to live in a fantasy world.

That last book I physically read. Ugh. 

Knowing you know where I live....wishing you would pop up and sweep me off my feet like they do in books and movies. But, you aren't even that guy. Not toward me anyway.

February 2nd

Disbelief

I am still in disbelief I have purchased a home. My third home. My first home on my own. 

God is Phenomenal. 

Is it EVERYTHING I desire. No, but it's dang close minus beach front and maintenance free. Ha.

I am so looking forward to moving in. My closing is in less than 30 days. My apt is mostly packed. Work is making me die slowly. And I am closer to my next personal goal. Being a mom. ❤️

Temptation in reading.

It amazes me these books I pick to read. 

Lately, my sleep has been off kilter again. Lots of waking up in the middle of the night and unable to return to slumber.....my twin suggested I find a book to read versus listening to for those moments of insomnia. 

Find a book, did I! Hahaha

Chapter 1..... sex scene. Lol 

Chapter 7. Reveal of difficulties getting pregnant. 

That made me flash to you. I'm not sure if you were just checking my interest level or you were truly vested in having a conversation with me about my desires. 

Main character in the book ran into her old business partner who left her "high n dry" during their busy season. The ex-partner was a total bish to her and told her how she and Stephen (the ex of the main character) spoke of her often and her selfish ways. With a dig, the main character said how it was sad they had nothing else to discuss. Then, the ex-partner revealed she was pregnant and carrying Stephen's child. Making the main character flashback to how she tried to give Stephen a child and the person she shared her health evaluation with was the same bish carrying his child. Slap in the face. 

In more ways than one. 

Hmmm. 

Interesting the way life turns out. 

People keep telling me I had you first. I think to make me feel like it's okay to proceed. Instead of walking away from another opportunity to seize it. To actually go for something or someone in your case that I want. I recognize my misstep and I recognize it's not fair of me to think you should give me a chance. I could add, what do you have to lose. But, that's not relevant here. With all you have already endured. In your mind, you could think why bother. "After everything she did last time?!"

Words are easy. I enjoy words. It's the putting them in play where I'm like.....do I really want to....do I really want to do this game called opening up, letting someone in, and giving of yourself. It's a sacrifice. Love is a battlefield. I've had so much fun lately, choosing me, picking me, loving me, healing me. Did it make me consider wanting to share these memories with someone? Perhaps. Or perhaps I'm ready to choose someone other than myself. Another reason I feel ready to be a mother. I want to give of myself to another person and allow that person to flourish. A baby or child to be clear. I'm not raising a man. And that statement has different meanings. 

Deep down, I feel like there is a draw and I want to know why I'm so drawn. Are my feelings real or have I made them up. Is it a feeling of shoulda woulda coulda even? 

I know you're difficult. Oh gosh and stubborn as a mule. Hell, so am I. But, if you are willing to open your heart and let me in. There's no telling what life could bring. 

 You are difficult that I want to reckon with. Difficult i want to love, nurture, and cater to. I'm told I need to quit trying to save the world. I feel that only applies when the person is not trying to help themselves too. Besides. God says to be a help mate. And to yield and allow the man to be head and lead his household as long as the man is following Him. My training taught me to share the responsibilities and not be a doormat. Love, nurture, care, but part of me adds submit. Wives submit to your husband's.

I feel submission is important for me because I was taught to be independent and to make sure I could take care of myself and not be dependent on another person. What I observed is it takes love, patience, and partnership. And friendship. Friendship is key. And God is the root. Nothing easy is worth having. Life is not easy. It contains so many trials, tribulations, setbacks, and misfortunes ALL to make us better and stronger. I'm not easy, but I know I'm worth the battle. I think you know I am too. 

Something I refuse to do is try to convince a person of my worth. If it's not recognized, that's on them. 

Continuing my plans.

In my search for a new post idea, I noticed the below in a previous post and I wanted to expound on it.

"I am deciding more and more this single parent thing just may be all right. I won't have to change, I won't have to give up who I am. I'll hopefully graduate in May 2016, secure a career making enough to support myself and start looking into sperm banks and artificial insemination.

 This all seems like I am unwilling to work with others but in truth, in compromise I will do anything for those that I love. I just can't do it if they would not do the same for me. My dad hit it on the head Friday, "never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." I've heard this saying often, hadn't realized I was living it again. Yet it showed from the outside. I sometimes want to crawl into a ball and just have cry parties, but I know they won't solve anything. And my mom won't let me. She is so strong, she wants that for me too."

Flashing to 2020:

So I did it! I brought sperm online and was inseminated twice. 

All in the middle of a pandemic.

Going back for some background story. 
I apparently wrote the first 2 paragraphs when I was not married. I was married for almost 5 years. We spent most of our marriage trying to have a child. I won't go into all details, but it was determined I had Endometriosis. I underwent a special invasive procedure to "clean" up my uterus and prepare my birth canal for a child. My OB provided an after surgery report, stating I was clean as a "whistle and ready to conceive!"

 We tried for about 2 more months, then requested a specialist referral. 

I was referred to an infertility specialist in KC at KU Med. My appointment was not until September like 3 months later. By the time September rolled around my marriage was on the rocks and I had no interest in conceiving NOTHING with the man I was married to. (This is why he is referenced as such.)

Fast-forwarding- lots of exams and labs later I was told I could be inseminated. This was October 2019. Decision I had to make for myself. I contacted my Doctor to let them know I was not moving forward with the procedure at the time. 

About a year later. 

Single. Healing. Ready.

I contacted my Doctor's office and obtained information on how I could proceed with the IUI process using donor sperm!

 WOW! 

I amaze myself. 

I researched banks and choose a profile to buy sperm; I brought three! Careful to select a donor of African-American descent. I did not want anyone to think my baby could be his.
More labs and exams later. My first IUI was scheduled. I got up early and drove myself to KC for a 7:15am check in. What an experience! The nurse says to me, "let's make a baby"! 

I was soooooo overjoyed and elated on the possibility. The procedure itself wasn't too bad, it was really similar to getting a pap exam. I had to lay still for about 15 minutes after, then I was on the road back home. As shared with me, there was sufficient cramping and pain. I laid in bed for hours trying to feel better. I had to wait 3 weeks to take a pregnancy test.

3 weeks later. Negative. 

Emotions ALL OVER the place.

The same occurred one more time. 

Then, for mental sanity I took a break, I was in a low place again. I think this is why I reached out to the man I was married to and caved which led to dating him. He was my person, the person I had shared all my disappointing negative pregnancy tests with month in and month out. He was my support, he was the person I shared these intimate moments with so it made sense (somewhere in my brain) that I should give him another chance. 

Still, no interest in having a child with him. Which should have told me something. He even tried to convince me to destroy my sperm and he would pay for it. Just have a baby with him. "None of my procedures worked because I was suppose to have a baby with him, my husband." Except, you aren't my husband and never will be again. 

All the lies and deceptions aren't worth calling out. In short. He is impotent and lied about it. 

Now, here we are September/October 2021. One vial remains and it's almost time to pay the hefty storage fee for the next year. I am undecided.

I tried in September to have the procedure done again, but my labs were off. In short, too much comfort food and alcohol.

So, I told myself....I am not ready. And I don't know if I ever will be. The desire for it is gone or I am trying to suppress. I just want to live my life and be happy. Stop being focused on something I HAVE NO CONTROL OVER. Control is hard for me, I am a Virgo. I have spent the years of my early 30s focusing my life and everything around having a child. From where to work, to making sure the benefits were good, to buying clothes, items for a baby, planning trips, buying a house. Who buys a house to grow into? A planner, but I know better knowing my life is not in my control. 

I am really considering adoption. I have thought about freezing my eggs. I have considered surrogacy with all of this its about putting some much into something really for someone else. I don't want my mom to never be a grandma. I understand why she didn't have other children, but it puts so much burden on me. It still goes back to, maybe I am not ready. I have never made the hard sacrifices. I have spent money and time, but never giving up anything or slowing down. I always would say to myself, well XYZ never had to and they were intoxicated at conception. 

Just excuses. 

All excuses.

 
So, I here I am. Unsure. I am going to just focus on me. Love me and learn me again. 

Shenanigans of I DO I DID I'M DONE!

 Sooooooooooooooooooooo I've always wanted to plan a fun party for....MYSELF of course since I am self centered and self involved.

I think a lot of that has to do with planning something and getting to decide all of the festivities.  Yeah, I really need a child to celebrate. Ha.

Since I wasn't able to celebrate my milestone bday on the beach like I had planned...while on my extended visit in the ATL last year I talked to my home girl about wanting a party. I didn't want to do a Birthday party and we were in the middle of a pandemic but I wanted to celebrate new beginnings!

So, what did I do. Planned and hosted a Divorce Party. I even made an invitation. Tried to make it classy cause I knew we were gonna be raunchy! 

                                                                    From Mrs. to Miss.

I rented a suite and the planning went from there! It was about 7 women. It was last August in KC at the Country Club Plaza. I made a guest list and started working on shirt designs. 

YES! We had shirts! All with crazy sayings! 

B's Divorce Squad

-I offered to key his car

-She asked God and He gave the green light

-He didn't deserve you

-I never liked his ass

-I thought he was worth something

-Dismissed

-Divorced AF

-Boy Bye

Everything was purple themed of course, I ordered cookies with sayings, I love sayings! Ha.

I do, I did, I'm done; Happily Divorced, Divorced AF....

We went to the winery, had dinner, and more snacks and drinks in the room. I tried to turn on some music to keep us hype. Of course we ALL didn't last long with drinking and eating. 

About 4 of us stayed and went out to a few local bars and caused more mischief in our themed shirts! The attention received that night. YES! 

The weekend was EPIC! I think I slept all of Sunday to recoup.

Now for 2019, and living a LIFE I LOVE.

How I ended my last real post.

I guess it goes without saying how fucked up my life became during 2019. Definitely was NOT a life I love. 

2020 became the new year of me, new year of healing, growth, self reflection, self care, and self love. I was gonna travel EVERYWHERE and do some fuckery. 

You know I like to get down.

Then the pandemic. So again, put on hold. Fuckery occurred because I would not be me if not. 

The saying goes, if you want God to laugh, tell Him your plans. 

I believe God got the last laugh. 

So, it's 2021 and I am back to the drawing board.

End of April 2021 I celebrated one year of me and one year of self love. 

Still single, started dating in a positive way. Changing old habits which just haven't worked. Allowing things to flourish organically. I'm enjoying it and I'm laughing and not hiding who I am.

I've been watching reality love TV shows. Haahaha

Gave me some confidence and good vibes to take a risk on love. We shall see where life takes this.

After 15 months of working from home and remotely cause I continued to see the US during the pandemic I was forced to return to the office. 

I am still adjusting. Hating it day by day.

I celebrated Chapter 36 (25 Again!) with a group of ladies I love and my Poppa💓

A night to remember for facts. 

I will come back soon. I want to talk about this Divorce Party I had last year. 😂

Love, peace, and Me. In overdrive.

That's crazy. Maybe I am growing and no longer broadcasting.....

Draft date says 2016. Which can't be right. I was married. Hmmm

I'm posting because fuck my drafts. I'm an adult. I don't remember feeling this strongly for you. I guess that explains why I can't stand you now. April 2020 

It has come to my immediate attention after reading through my posts again and again that I have not much mentioned you. You're like my every day, all day thought and I have not even leaked your name. My friends know your name...Nina does well as we were always on the phone when I was with her. Parent are aware. BEST no longer calls you mystery. And Twin is excited at the thought that I have someone as amazing as you. Yep, I called you amazing. Each day I ponder and think I may be falling in love with this man. You are my paragon of what my God-sent mate, man that I desire, head of the household, and father to my babies ought of be. I consider our first encounter, and while it was inappropriate on my part I am so glad it happened. Just like that same night it hit me just how utterly attracted I was to you and it just baffled me. First time for everything. Right. And yes, it's even true you're the first man that has liked me and I reciprocate the feeling without another thought. We're taking a chance here...you had me at hello. And I know in my mind I cheated on my then boyfriend that night and we never touched. My thoughts did it all.

You push and challenge me like no other. I love that. Its apparent that you love me, and you're everything I ever hoped for in a husband. Is that saying too much. Probably. Are you perfect, no. But who is. Are there qualities that I dislike, sure. Who doesn't have them. All of your good far out weights the bad. There is tainted information....again, not perfect. So I would just say there is work to be done and little ole' me needs to settle my heart and patiently await for all the things that are yet to come. I love you, I know I don't say it often. But I mean it with every fiber of my being. So to you my future Sir...baby steps.

September 2021

Damn. I said I can't stand you and immediately knew to whom I was referencing. Crazy, now, you are going through a divorce. I can't save them all. I told your ass to be better. I feel terrible as a relationship coach.....but you can't force a person to change I learned and it cost me thousands of dollars and weight gain. 💁

DO BETTER!

It's a Process

Day 1 8/18
Anger.
Denial.
Drinking.
Coping.

Day 2 8/19
Uncontrolled crying.
Screaming/Yelling.
Downsizing.
Searching for a place to live.
Therapy Session- Fail.
More Screaming.
Arguing.
F U sex.

Day 3 8/20
Time off work.
More sleeping.
More Packing.
More Downsizing.

Day 4 8/21
Time off work.
Attempts to COPE.

Stopped packing. 

I'm not leaving. This my house. 

The process continues. 8 months later. 

Friday, the 6th.

September 2019

Only 7 more digits until the 13th.

"He doesn’t deserve me and all that I represent. He is not about what he has. It’s him and what he has going on. Yes, he doesn’t want to sell. But he isn’t even doing his norm. 

Why I always got grass tracked through my house after mowing. 

Come on. I’m tired of owning with him. He is irresponsible."

Text message sent to my twin this morning.

Her response. Are you on your period?  💀💀💀👀😆 

It’s been a rough morning. Second house showing already 😟 and while everything was perfect around the house, I realized the outside was in shambles (yes, I am over the top). Water hose left across front porch and still connected. Trash day. Grass from mowing not at curb. Still sitting at side door….open bag. As I drove around the corner leaving home, it occurred to me all these things. Now, I am late for work because I have to go back and get the grass to the curb so it is picked up. I mean last time we had grass in garage for an extended period of time, I noticed mouse droppings. Then had to convince him there was a mouse. I can’t.

 So picture me in work clothes…..dragging trash cans of grass downhill since I can’t lift them. So, I try dialing into my daily 8:30 call and my outlook system wants to update. I pull out my laptop. Spinning, not loading. Welp. Missing this meeting today since I can not access the meeting room. I never miss meetings.

Finally get to work, hot, and my relaxer is sweated out. Thanks Friday.

Damn.

One day you are building a life together. And the next day, it's over.
Done. Faneto.

Latest Updates

Draft from Feb 2018.

I'm awake early and on the computer....which is a surprise considering when I went to sleep last night. I have been on a task to watch all old seasons of "The Big Bang Theory" and a feat it has been. Only a few seasons owned on disk set. AHHH my life.

I was able to finish them all with tv recordings, disk sets, and videos from Internet. HA. What I watched during my 2018 recovery.

I suppose I could begin my work day, however think I should use my leg pump instead. Yes, a leg pump. I'm a old head. I feel all these health things are a sign. Sign of something.....who knows. Post was not meant to negative. Any way, leg pump is for the Primary Lymphedema I have in my foot and ankle. Managing has been very much annoying. But, it does look better.

I need to center.

Reading Oct 2017 post “The In-Between”

I am back in that rut currently.

Trying to find my happiness.

Still not with child.

Wishing for a different house.

Wanting to be a stay home wife. I mean, it’s not like I have a child. 

Yes, I am bitter. Haven’t been in a while or even able to admit where I was emotionally. I told my mom last night, I think I self soothe. Which is the wrong terminology. Telling you, I am losing brain cells. I drown my sorrows in alcohol. Well, wine to be specific. It’s not like I have picked up heavy liquor.

I tried therapy just as part of EAP….didn’t make future appt. for me since there is a larger picture.

But, I am still seeking and searching for something…..something to push and drive me and to make me feel better about life. I still do not have my “new focus,” but I am going to diligent develop a relationship with my almost teenager Goddaughter. She needs someone in her corner. I may not be mentally stable in my own self passions, but I can young adult the shit out of life. At the end of the day, I am still accomplished.

I am going to refocus my life to Christ also, I have gotten away from my center and it shows.

So, basically, to wrap this all up. I am in a bad place mentally and emotionally so I am seeking my outlet which I know to be my center. I have scriptures up around my desk to read and bring me back. Reminds me of something Nina did when we worked in the HELL center for Farmers. My scriptures are supposed to be daily, but I don’t daily leave my house. They do help too. I talk to my parents a lot as an outlet and support. I told Chad I am always trying to change something and since there is not much, I can change quick. I change my hair. Typical woman.

I’ll try to get back sooner. Thanks again.

🔐💜😧😫