Who are you?

The constant question....who are you?
It's not a game. I honestly just do not know. I should but I don't. Not knowing myself would make it hard to allow others to know me and for me to be open. I got it....your tired of the fluff, the bs I say, and the unwillingness to be open.

Sorry does not cut it. A lot of people say why apologize. I wonder the same because why do it when your going to end up doing the same thing you previously apologized for. As a child I was taught to admit fault and say sorry but as a young adult sorry is just not enough.

I do come back every time whether it was you or me that ceased communication. I don't want to stop talking to you. To be in full self expression has been a challenge because I have convinced myself that I can not articulate my words and thoughts. That's bs in itself.

I am working on it........ at least that is what I keep telling myself. Maybe I am not the person I keep trying to convince myself that I am. I am lost that much I can admit. Seeking help in that will continue to be a problem because people who got themselves together do not want to hear such talk. I don't even like negative speaking because I truly believe life is full of possibilities.

I'm not a deep intellectual thinker or speaker....I don't even like public speaking. I hold to I am shy and my inability to keep conversation going proves my statement. Those are all the things I wanted to change...and it worked for a while but now I'm back where I started. Positive when speaking to others but how genuine is that. It's not.

I don't speak to my future husband the same way that I speak to lames off the street....to you it seems all the time but to me the difference is I do not speak to them at all and if I do then I get you need to get over myself. Some people are always up for a good challenge. I don't challenge myself very often probably the reason I continue surrounding myself with duds. I have never met anyone like you (which of course you already know) so it's been hard. To be genuine, open, fluff-less. I know it's possible and I know I am capable but it's not happening soon enough. (not soon enough for me either)

Its all so weird. I feel like I can tell you anything but I'm not being open because if I were your questions would not be repeated. I know its something that draws me but I can't even express what it is and why. I don't like explaining myself but I can't continue through life with this attitude. I know I'm not perfect, I want to be up to the challenge but I have not quite figured out how I will.

I do not try to guilt or blackmail you. I ask questions because you continue to say I'm not who you thought I was, who is this what I am speaking to, your closed-minded, your full of fluff. I just ask if you feel that all of that has truth then why are we still here. Enlightening me. I need it but some days I don't want to hear it and those are the days when I speak fluff. I just don't know anymore.