A Mother's Love

"Today is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad about it!"

My Mother, my mom, my momma, my number one, my moo-ma, my ace boom, my ride or die, my friend! I love my momma, and she loves me. I know quite often people do not understand or grasp us or our relationship. We are close, bottom line.

My mom got pregnant in her Senior year of college, her relationship was on the rocks with my father and the life she thought that going to occur was quickly drifting further away. My mom graduated Dec 1986 from college with a Bachelors and a career set to begin as a manager in training for a major retailer.

I remember so much about my childhood, mostly good things. I remember how my mom was always working and she had the worst schedule, one of her off days was Tuesday. I was enrolled at a school that was different than most, it allowed me to tap into a creative side. It was not structured like traditional schools with desks and homework. We did not receive letter grades. It was cool,  we put on school productions for holidays and end of the school year.

I was raised by a single mother, we struggled and I never witnessed it. My granny played a major role in my life. I caught the school bus to and from school from my granny's house with my mom's work hours. Reason for our closeness, it has nothing to do with tragic life experiences or severe trauma, but simply..... My mom raised me in love, everyday we kissed and told each other we loved each other. And when you love someone, you want to be around them. We spent as much time as we could together, I liked being under her anytime I could since our time was sparse. I slept with my mom at night like most children, I had a nice room with brand new everything and hardly slept in that bed :)

I remember always being soooo excited to see her and couldn't wait for my mom to come pick me up. I knew my mom would have given me the world if she could. I didn't wear brand name clothes (couldn't afford it), but my clothes were always clean, pressed, and my hair was styled. My mom put forth effort in making sure her child was a good representation of her. She taught me respect and obedience to all my elders. I was a jewel to have around.

I was not raised in the church until later, we did not attend worship services. I went with my God mom on occasions and mom and I would go Easter and Father's day if she was off work. I knew God, prayed each night. My mom was sure to instill in me a solid foundation in Christ.

To me, she is the greatest mom ever, and sure I am bias since she is my mom and I know it is not good to compare and contrast. It is easy for me to say when I think back on my childhood. I have always come first and although my mom was not present in my classroom and we didn't sit down and do homework together I came out great. I wish she had more, I think the world needs more children raised by Johnnie Frances Smith. She is my phenomenal woman, strong, beautiful, admirable, passionate, witty, intelligent....who am I talking about?!? My momma, my strong black momma!

As I get older, I know my mom is getting older as well and it has always been in the back of my mind. I just don't know what life would be like without her. I still don't like that my granny is gone. I miss our conversations.

That's all for now. Later until I'm writing again. Smile, life is grand!

A "love" letter

Last one for now. A letter sent to someone I was interested in. I keep things to reread for later, looking at my writing skill. Things I've felt or said.

I decided I would send this since I spend the time putting my thoughts together.

I decided to write you again. You said I never write much to you, so here it goes. I have been thinking a lot tonight about our conversation and conversations we have had over the last two years of "knowing" each other. I wish I knew more about you. Well I would like to know more.

Your right I don't invest much into you....I want to change that. I will show you. I'm not one for putting everything out on the table without knowing how the other person feels to prevent being hurt over nothing.

I really don't know where to began....usually I can just write whatever comes to mind but now I can't piece my thoughts together. I have wanted you for myself longer than you'll ever know but I always messed things up. I know it was usually me, always so honest with you and you telling me like it is. I feel like I have been pushing you away just by my actions. I think you know what I am referring to. I never feel shy around you for some reason. There is no point in holding anything back but I seem to do that anyway. Your easy to talk to, I know that's because most of it is in text form. I express myself best in words as opposed to talking. Talking reveals the shy side and I clam up.

Since you already say I'm crazy what I say from here on out should not be a shock.

I wasn't kidding when I called you my knight in shining armor. You seem like a good guy and I don't blame you for not letting people in and protecting your heart. Best way to go sometimes. Told you I would wait on you. Wait for you to come around at least. Probably won't ever happen but its something to look forward to.

Wish you wanted to spend time with me so we can get to know each other. I am still holding on to my invite that you extended. lol

I wish you were mine to hold. Mine to love and tell all my dreams. Your a good listener because your not judgmental and you tell me exactly what I need to hear. The truth. You keep it real with me regardless of the circumstances or how it may make me feel. I value your honesty and compassion toward educating others with your intellect.

I love talking to you. You keep me on my toes and always brighten up my day. You possess good character traits and you always make me laugh. I know laughing is good for the soul so that makes me think you are as well.

Although I like learning new things about people, I am not one to pry. I feel if they want me to know something specific then they will tell me. It does not always work out well in my favor and sometimes it leaves me knowing nothing.

I can't read between the lines because usually I am way off base. I would rather you tell me exact what you think or feel. Funny because when you do I don't know how to take it. It's not a slam on you, its me needing to get it together and realize no two people are the same.

I had my first dreamhad about you last week. (Week of July 4th) Can't quite remember it but I had a visual of your face, it was interrupted by a 7:30am call from my mom. Pity. I tried my hardest to go back and remember. Haven't seen you in over a year and I miss you. Pictures only do so much for me. I know you hear it a lot from people but I love your smile. It seems endless and like it could light up a room.

I feel like I spend so much time trying to prove to you that I am not all that bad because I just want you to like me in return. Having conversations through text messages can only go so far. With all the things I reveal to you I wonder was it an mistake in saying. But all things are eventually revealed and nothing is ever a secret. My philosopy is don't do it if you will be ashamed later.

You made my heart skip a beat when you said you used to love me. Thought it was cute but had no idea you had any serious feelings for me.

It's like I have been searching and searching for Mr. Right and he has been around all along but I couldn't see it because I was too busy dealing with the no good guys.

That's all for now.

I know I should have sent this sooner but the way the weeks were going and you and I off and on with communicating I just put off sending it. It was written early July, not sure of exact dates.

Brandi in 2008.

Angry Letter, a woman's wrath.

Was searching through my drafts and came across a couple messages. Decided to post so they would be saved. The first is a letter to a person that I was once close friends with. Reading this gave me chills!

*Names were removed to keep the peace :)

 

This has gone on long enough. I am not asking for your friendship nor am I asking that you forgive me. I am just asking why you are acting like a child. You stopped speaking to everyone who is associated with me and I do not think that is fair to them. No one is involved in this except for you and me. This is our issue why make it affect everyone??

 

I know the entire situation was messed up………since the beginning when phone numbers were exchanged. I came to you before anything got of outta hand, I asked basically for your blessing. I apologized for your misunderstanding of the situation. I told you I never had any intentions of being anything more than a friend to him and that was the truth. You felt betrayed like I went behind your back and did something wrong. What I can’t seem to understand is “what was so wrong about him and I being friends too?!?!?” We all met on the same day at the same time…so where was I wrong?

Question, was he your boyfriend? A guy you were talking to as more than a friend? Did he ever show you any interest or give you the slightly hint that he was interest in being more than your friend?

The funny thing about this is everything was innocent until numbers were exchanged and he started calling. We both know how it all went down. Need I remind you? I think its best.

 

Sunday evening….*Woman and *me take a drive to the auto part store, just got back from eating with a mutual friend. We happen to drive past a street where we seen your friend, *that man’s truck, so we turned around and drove passed. We stopped talked for a bit left and returned shortly after. We are sitting in the car doing our usual text messaging while *that man was doing his usual flirting with you. While all the time you continue to play “hard to get.”

By the way…I am extremely happy that you finally decided to give the man a chance. Happy for the both of you!

 

Anyway back to Sunday afternoon.

 

So we are still sitting in the car, *that man says to me, “I want you to meet someone, I think he maybe good for you” my response is I could careless about meeting some new random guy that *that man approves of but hey he is older somewhat mature maybe he knows what he is talking about. Then it starts, *the problem comes to the car, you and *that man began playing matchmaker telling him to come to Church and meet this girl that sings in the choir. Funny how things happen. We are asked to get out the car so everyone can take a good look at us, dogs I tell you. We are embarrassed but stayed around for the conversation. He begins asking you a million and one questions that you immediately answer to my surprise. Your number was given to him so he could call you about coming to church. I did not give him mine because I was too shy.

This is when it all went down hill. I do not know the exact conversations that you shared nor do I care to know. You were interested one day and the next he was weird

What's crazy is when I mentioned the phone number exchange and how he was suppose to be hooked up with me that evening we "talked" you shrugged it off like oh well your lost. That was BS but oh well. Guess your plan did not work out as you planned. You’re old enough to realize you cannot change a person to fit to your liking especially if they are not interested in you anyway. Well maybe you didn't know...is that why you tried?

You never came out and told me you liked him, I guess I was supposed to figure that out for myself. Maybe from your actions, yet I had never seen you act a certain way toward a man before unless you were being mean and showing them no interest. Everything was such a secret with you, I did not expect to know everything but I cannot fully be blamed for the way things happened.

To set the record straight, when he got in his accident he did not call me. I happen to call right after it happened. As the caring person that I am I wanted to make sure he was alright so I went to help him when no one else could. It was not my responsibility or my duty to call you and tell. I could have but do you honestly feel like things would have turned out differently?

You already had set in your mind that I was no good anyway. I can’t believe you would ask him if he would try to have sex with me, what kind of crap is that?? That statement was the first step you took backwards toward childhood. If we were ever true friends stuff like that would have never been brought up, he did not know me and you wanted to keep it that way. That’s fine though, I am unaffected it only makes me stronger to know you could stoop so low. Making people think I was incompetent and that I placed you on a high pedestal. *woman, I valued you as a person and friend. I looked up to you as a Christian woman, but we were friends. I know I am younger, but if I was so young and naive then why did we spend so much time together? Sorry to tell you, but hun we’re on the same level, you’ve just lived longer and accomplished more in life.

I’m gonna end this here because I am tired of rambling, best wishes to you in life.

Me.

With all that said, she and I did make up, she even called me to the hospital when her baby was born. Time heals all things, people grow and forgive. Just an insight into the person I was and can be. Life has allowed me to grow. God has healed me over and over. And I know He will continue to if it is needed.