Eureka!

I've figured it out!

Its not that a want a special someone in my life its the fact that I lack a companion.
I don't have a friend that I can call my real friend. I don't have that one person I can call up and vent to. I was on this road the other night, my friend told me to pray and forget about individuals.

Which is all gravy but ....there has to be a but in my world. But, I don't have anyone to share meals with, shop with, watch movies with. I get lonely doing these things alone!

I can't wait for my god sister to get a little bigger, we are gonna be ALL OVER TOWN. I have a "little" from Big Brothers/Big Sisters but I don't call her up like I should. My days are long and she never calls me, that's discouraging. I need to do better and be there for her but she has a busy schedule as well. She is much involved in cheer leading and dance. Pretty little girl just needs someone positive in her life, as we all do.

Anyway I gonna solicit my mom. Tell her we need a day together again and no buts about it, we have to keep our plans! Life is short and a lot of people I know have lost their mothers, three of my close friends in fact. I am fortunate and I need to be grateful for the small things and stop letting the DEVIL steal my JOY!

I'm Not Ready

It is time that I face the reality that I am not ready to let go.

My pride is strong and because of that I have been trying to let go of my past and move on. In reality I am not ready. Maybe in my mind I think it is time but my heart says "not today, Fred". My parents have told me, let it go and move on. Even some of my friends have said the same based off shared conversation. But in actuality, I am not ready to open myself to love again. My heart is not broken but torn.

My pride has led me to believe I could let go and start something new/different. Last time I tried I end up regretting every single move that I made, I don't want to do that again. That's why it's best when I say I want to remain single. Everyone is safe that way, no hurt feelings or broken hearts.

Fuck You, Good Bye.

I am still laughing inside about this one!

5 months have gone by......He wanted to remain friends. Why I ask. I don't have decent friendships with ex-boyfriends hardly ever, why does he think he is different. This friendship thing lasted all of a few months and I told him we can't do this any longer. No communication/ No hanging out. Who makes the first move, him of course. Showed me who needs who, because I know I don't need him. Anyway.

Why does he send me his cell number once he gets a phone and inform me that he has unlimited text messaging. I thought I said no communication!

Mistake One: Helped him clean out his apartment.
Mistake Two: Answered messages sent.

Ok so this past week has been a crazy one. Random messages sent between the two. I told you about one from Friday night. The whole sorry "I know I take you for granted." Anyway Sunday rolls around. Back-up Saturday night. I get a text about one something, I want to see you. Ha I'm in bed sorry.

Sunday afternoon. Now Sunday morning was rough for me. I was having a melt-down for some reason. Upset about everything and none of which was that big of an issue. So when I received Sundays texts I had had ENOUGH! From him and every other male in Topeka. I decided to get off-line (myspace and facebook) and change my cell number so worthless people could no longer reach me. Now its Monday and I'm thinking. WHY should I change me for them? I have had my number for six plus years. Fuck them, don't answer or text back!

(I still may change it, have not decided)

Sunday messages were very random, they were relationship scenarios a lot like the relationship we had so I was clueless. He didn't like my responses so I told him, stop sending me messages that have no point.

Monday morning, I just started studying.

Can you do me a huge favor, and print some shit off Internet for him. Second message, do you think I can see you today. I'm thinking hmmm. I dunno. So I respond sure, you can come by. Meaning I'm not driving way over to you and I have to work in two hours. Old Brandi would, not new one! Besides I was busy.

He didn't respond. So I asked a very direct question. He hates these for some reason. Asked him if he seen me, would he try something. Oooh he didn't like that. So he calls. No, that was not his intent, he really just wanted to see me. Fine, whatever. Now he is upset. That's why I don't like having these convo with you, he says. (Hint) Stop calling me then.

We get off the phone I write like 5 messages back telling him don't send random messages without knowing I am going to ask you what in the heck are you talking about and since I can't read your mind, I ask questions! Deal with it.

Conversation gets interesting. Guess its fair since I broke your heart, now your breaking mine. Wow just wow. So I was straight up, told him he never broke my heart but if I broke his with all this bs we have been through, then I apologize. He writes Fuck you, Good Bye. That's priceless. My only thought is he was mad because he didn't break my heart. What a loser!

Now this is more like it, I usually have bad reps with it comes to guys I am done with. They never like me in the end. I earn my title. Haven't been called out my name in a while though, so its all good.

Its Tuesday, almost done with post. Tired of losing priceless friendships because out of temptation and attraction it is taken to a new level. I want my friend back but I don't think its going to work out that way.

I am learning to deal with the fact that I may never have you because the sacrifice is far too great. I treasure friendship and I do not want to risk losing yours if "us" doesn't pan out.

Thanks For Listening.

Lights ON

I have a major fear.
Its not one of those normal fears for a woman my age.
This is a fear that most children have/use to remain sleeping with their parents.

I HAVE A FEAR OF DARKNESS!

This is not normal at my age. I am 22 years old and I have a difficult time falling to sleep in complete darkness unless someone is next to me. A few other scenarios would allow me to fall asleep regardless of lighting in room

a) I am extremely exhausted

b) extremely tired from a night of partying

c) trying to be "a big girl" when staying at someone else's home

If none of the above is the present scenario then I set my tv timer and fall asleep to the light of the television. Reason I am writing this post, lately I have been good about just turning off the tv and going to sleep but........I came across a problem.

I get up at least once a night to go to the bathroom. Now when I get up, the house is completely dark and quiet. I even have the luxury of having a bathroom adjacent to my bedroom. Its two steps from my bed. The light is behind the bathroom door which causes an issue. While trying to push myself to get out the bed I don't have the time to try to find the tv remote and turn the tv on so I have to get to the light switch quick. Once I handle my business going back to bed in complete darkness SCARES the mess out of me. I refuse to!

The other night I found myself trying figure out a way to just go back to sleep without having to turn the tv on because I was still so tired, no luck. I decided to grab my night light from the bathroom and plug it next to my bed....bad idea. The light interrupted my sleep (I think) I didn't sleep well that night. I think for next time I will keep the night light in the bathroom and turned on just in case I have to use the bathroom again.

I have another fear associated with darkness. I think something is lurking and that scares me. I close all closet, bedroom and bathroom doors. Which isn't so smart to close bathroom door because moving about in the dark finding the bathroom is tough sometimes, ha. I think I will just put that light back in the bathroom and leave that door open long as the other door to the bathroom is shut!

I hope this solves my problem for the time being. I really need to get over this fear. Its growing old. I remember when in middle school and I would stay over at friends they knew to have some sort of light source for me. That's sad.

Any advice for me?

Out of Towner

The next guy I set my eye on will be from some other place other than this miserable place they call "Top-City." I am tired, sick and tired of talking to someone that everyone else has already had. A young one-hit wonder said it best, "Why can't my nigga be my own lil somethin'? and every girl on my block can't say they don' bumped wit? "

If that ain't bad enough then they know someone you've been with and have the audacity to ask the other person, what type of person you are because they're too ignorant to ask for themselves. I get tired of guys quick. Not quick enough to change sides though. Its quite sad since I have so much more to learn about life and I'm sure I will gain more experience in the dating game, but I don't know about dating another local.

It's possible that I'm over-reacting, think I have a habit of doing that. Ha. Problem though, I asked a friend had he had any other sexual encounters to keep myself safe as well. After hesitating, he said yea. Then when I called the girl by name, of course he was shocked. My response was normal, "hmmm," I said aloud. Now he interested, wanna know how I know, why I say it like that, what do I know about her and so on and so forth.

I don't know much about the girl but I know another friend of mine used to talk to her, not sure what that entailed but you can only imagine. Maybe it bothered me because she like two years younger than me and you know I'm young. This only means another one of my friends was right. Maybe dude is something like a pedophile. He does like young girls its no doubt about it. He should have been in jail for the 15 year old when he was 23 but maybe he waited until she was 16 to engage in sexual activity. Who Knows!

Anyway glad that's over. Glad its out too. Sigh of relief. Its been fun, I'm out!