She Ain't Perfect

And I don't try to fake as though I am.

"Liar". Yea you see I don't like liars and since I love myself I don't see how I fall into that category. Probably not good enough for you, but you will get over it. While you try so hard to group me with the others you have encountered, you failed and burned. I don't tell you things to make myself look better, its factual. Make a real effort toward getting to know me and you would soon find out. It's not this act to attempt to lure and deceive. I do not have this philosophical mind so my answers will not be mind-blowing. I speak from what I know and my heart and if that is not genuine enough then your wasting your time.

You may think differently, but you are the only person I have opened up to with those that I tried to "indulge" in anyway. Now to you that sets your lie detector off saying I lied to the others. Naw that ain't it. It's called not showing all my cards at once. One doesn't truly knows a person until time has been spent getting to know one another. While others have had me, none of them really knew me. And as I have grown so has my mind and the way I mesh with others.

I don't think twice when revealing my quirks to you. (showing my true self) The person I am behind closed doors when it's just me and the four walls. Yes I admit I have hidden myself from others and to this day I'm pretty sure they haven't the slightest idea who I really am. Just because I didn't tell you something when we first started talking and I tell you now does not make me a liar. What it says is it takes me time. I have my guard up, as to not make foolish mistakes again. If that makes me a liar, well I just don't know what to tell you. But in that area you can't argue much because you know how you are and "I don't blame you for that".

I have a pretty good idea of who I am. Many don't know that person, does that make me a liar. No because they have not tried to. I may not know exactly what I want but I know what I don't want. I can only be me with all the things that come with that. Improvement is necessary for most and I am more than willing to do that but that takes time as well.

I am finally starting to get it....... what people deal with once an image has been painted. Karma is a bitch. I don't have a problem following and being submissive to the control freak inside because if things are complete then I wouldn't see it that way. As far as things I won't do that goes both ways. There is always someone that will do whatever it takes. What people do is compromise to make it work for the one they want. I'm not willing to settle. I know where greatness lies.

I have not met such an individual as you. Wow is all I will sum you up as. I just don't understand you or your methods. Or maybe I do and just think you should take another glance before attaching names to me.

Because as the name of my blog states, A Work in Progress. Your profound, think about it.

Mixed Emotions

Yea so last night was not a very good night. I made a list on Thursday of homework to do and of course waited until Sunday evening to start. So I was sitting at home texting of course and preparing my powerpoint for a sales presentation. I was stressing about school and feeling down on myself. Unmotivated knowing this semester is almost over...it is literally crunch time.

He was texting me.
It's always an intense topic and last night had to do with me not being compromising. I still don't know what he meant and I didn't bother to ask. A few weeks ago when I knew I lost him again without even discussing the reason I decided it was best to leave him alone because I know I'm not ready for what he has to offer. Ever met a person that was so incredibly awesome that you can not put your feelings in words. Ever met someone that you thought all my life I never thought I would meet him especially (her in the case of my readers) this early in life. Ever felt so connected to someone when you were actually really far apart. I feel like I love him but hardly know him so I don't think that feeling is accurate. It has been a longtime since I was able to truly be myself and we have not even spent time together. I didn't mind telling him any and everything, he didn't judge and most times he offered insight.

I started a text a few weeks ago and saved it in my draft list because I was just not ready to let him go. Something we talked about that night made me change my mind but I knew eventually I would have to because I have not been doing right by him. How can I claim that I feel so strongly but continue to put up with the bs of another. Always challenging me, telling me to take that extra step. Basically give it your all be genuine and open-minded.

So last night I edited the text and sent it. Our conversation was not going so well and I thought it was best to end it then. Told him I was backing off. It hurt me to send it but it had to be done. Cried myself to sleep and thought to myself did I screw up again. Of course I did...I usually do. He called to find out what was going on but I couldn't answer, really didn't have anything to say. Sorry.

I'm really not ready for all you have to offer. I have too much going on emotionally and mentally to invest and give myself to you like you deserve. I have a lot of re-evaluating to do with my life, school, and relationships.

Thanks for Listening

I've Decided

After not completely thinking it out and a haste conclusion I have decided that I am not getting married. Since its obvious I have no concept of self it makes it impossible for me to build and maintain healthy relationships. Once I finish school my main focus will be establishing my career and sustaining financial stability. Once I am settled I will have a couple children so my mom can have grandchildren. Crazy concept the more I think about it but I am done with it all.

Questions Answered.

Who am I?
Good question. I am still trying to figure it out. I know I am a woman. I am a student. I am a Christian. I am a sinner. I am loved. None of these truly say who I am and that is why I do not know.

The so-called guns are irrelevant. They are on my body. The statement had to do with a question asked about what kind of guns do you possess. Since I do not own a real gun I chose to say I had guns.

I want you to be mine, my best friend, my lover and the one I confide in. I want to be close to you and loved by you. I want to know you, your hopes, dreams, desires and aspirations for the future. I want to know what you believe. I want my love for you to continue to grow and strengthen. I want to stay up all night with you sharing my dreams. I want to be in full communication with you so you will know I can be all that you want and desire in a woman. I want you in my life and if I can't have you for myself then as my friend will do.

If I fail to get what I want then I will have to continue through life miserable knowing that I missed the opportunity to share my life with you by my side. I believe we met by faith. Introduced by chance and still in conversation by something within ourselves not ready to let go.

I am able to provide a lasting love that doesn't fail. Conceived in love and taught all my life how to love another person. I can provide open communication established through trust and honesty. I can provide a trusting loving relationship built on something far greater than wanting someone in your life.

But what I know to be true is I have not been able to truly give myself.....mentally or emotionally because I have been tied up with sexual emotions with my ex. I have been hiding behind that. I can't invest in you like I should when I give myself to another.
When asked if I was talking to other people....oh yeah I have tried but one really can't unless you are free of previous ties and unbound emotionally to another. (the F you convo I told you I have to have.) Free and untied is where I have to be before I can say I want you.

Who are you?

The constant question....who are you?
It's not a game. I honestly just do not know. I should but I don't. Not knowing myself would make it hard to allow others to know me and for me to be open. I got it....your tired of the fluff, the bs I say, and the unwillingness to be open.

Sorry does not cut it. A lot of people say why apologize. I wonder the same because why do it when your going to end up doing the same thing you previously apologized for. As a child I was taught to admit fault and say sorry but as a young adult sorry is just not enough.

I do come back every time whether it was you or me that ceased communication. I don't want to stop talking to you. To be in full self expression has been a challenge because I have convinced myself that I can not articulate my words and thoughts. That's bs in itself.

I am working on it........ at least that is what I keep telling myself. Maybe I am not the person I keep trying to convince myself that I am. I am lost that much I can admit. Seeking help in that will continue to be a problem because people who got themselves together do not want to hear such talk. I don't even like negative speaking because I truly believe life is full of possibilities.

I'm not a deep intellectual thinker or speaker....I don't even like public speaking. I hold to I am shy and my inability to keep conversation going proves my statement. Those are all the things I wanted to change...and it worked for a while but now I'm back where I started. Positive when speaking to others but how genuine is that. It's not.

I don't speak to my future husband the same way that I speak to lames off the street....to you it seems all the time but to me the difference is I do not speak to them at all and if I do then I get you need to get over myself. Some people are always up for a good challenge. I don't challenge myself very often probably the reason I continue surrounding myself with duds. I have never met anyone like you (which of course you already know) so it's been hard. To be genuine, open, fluff-less. I know it's possible and I know I am capable but it's not happening soon enough. (not soon enough for me either)

Its all so weird. I feel like I can tell you anything but I'm not being open because if I were your questions would not be repeated. I know its something that draws me but I can't even express what it is and why. I don't like explaining myself but I can't continue through life with this attitude. I know I'm not perfect, I want to be up to the challenge but I have not quite figured out how I will.

I do not try to guilt or blackmail you. I ask questions because you continue to say I'm not who you thought I was, who is this what I am speaking to, your closed-minded, your full of fluff. I just ask if you feel that all of that has truth then why are we still here. Enlightening me. I need it but some days I don't want to hear it and those are the days when I speak fluff. I just don't know anymore.

Death

Death is all around us. Months have passed since we buried my granny. Funny as I started writing this post Alicia Key's song "Like I will never see you again" begin to play. This song reminds me of my Grandma, I know I have grown because I used to cry while singing it. I will always miss you granny, your spirit will forever be in my mist, R.I.P. Mrs. Jannie Mae (Mason) Greenlee.


Today I received news that my bosses father passed, my prayers are with the family. I used to not be bothered with death. Having faith in God gave me comfort. I know death occurs everyday but ever since losing my granny I have had a difficult time dealing with death. I feel "emotional less" not real sure if I should feel sorrow or just know it happens. Even when people tell me someone is not doing well I don't know how to respond....whether I should grieve with them or move on and not like their sorrow consume me. I don't like feeling like this....feels like I am cold-hearted....like I can't feel pain even though my heart is still healing. Maybe that's just it. I am still semi-grieving so hearing of others losses is something I am not yet ready to deal with.

Some mornings I wake up and think I have not spoke to my grandma.....then I remember I can't. She is no longer just a call away. My mom told me I can talk to her anytime but to me it will never be the same. I love you and miss you....until we meet again. This post is unfinished but I wanted to post it.

Annoyed and Fed-Up!

Back to writing as a release.

So I have been working on expressing myself better so people know exactly how I feel. It's getting tough. I say no to some very well. Others I need to work on. No longer concerned about what others may think when its all over so that's a good thing.

My releases:

Text messages I send that are gone unanswered or responded to days later. First of volve its just me but there is always a moment to send a message back. I've been busy is bullshit. Just so its known, when I don't respond you will know why. That's my passive aggressive trait taking over!

I text because people act like they can not pick up the phone, plus its so much easier when I am not available to talk on the phone.

Text messages sent asking if I can stop by before you go to work.
A. Booty Call
B. I have a life. It does not include driving out my way to your house.
C. Hell no.
D. What in the hell do you think this is?
If you want to see me there are other ways of asking and the request may be made possible.

You ask someone if you can spend time the day with their child, mind you yes it is their child so saying no is fine. They respond that taking them out of daycare for a day will still cost them money. Then after thought say sure can you keep them all day long and also my other child too.
Uh.....seriously. It's from one extreme to the next. 24 hours ago you were losing money for taking one child from daycare now you are wanting to take both out and ask me to keep them til 9 o'clock at night. Yea ok. I think not.

Then at work today. Our office meeting. They are dreaded by most, it makes me no difference but after today OMG! I brought up getting a water cooler at the last meeting so we could have cold water. We have a sink but it does not get very cold and it doesn't taste so well. We have a freezer ice machine with 17 people in the office. You do the math. Cold water is only possible if you bring bottled water. So people agreed, check the prices and let them know. I did and people complained............boy did they. Only 6 of us want the cooler and dammit we are getting it! I swear others had better stay clear of the water!

I am done trying! Done reaching out and trying to make things work.....friendships in particular. I am good. I will find new friends and if I don't my momma and me will do.

Fun Times

Went to Dallas this weekend!
I had a blast, hung out with a friend of my parents as my mom attended training for a new phenomenon she has created in her life. I am proud of her!

So anyway we hit the road about 5:30p headed home. We had eight hours and 400 plus miles to cover. She started us out and drove into Oklahoma City. I drove us home by the grace of God. I was not tired but it was dark! I do not mind driving in the dark nor do I mind driving but after being on the road all day it tends to take a toll on you. A surprise phone call liven up my drive. You will never know what the calls mean to me. My mom fell asleep on me for a good 45mins when she woke up she wanted to talk. I had been grooving to my ipod so I told her she should listen to some of the songs. I gave her a ear bud and we jammed all the way home! It was a fun shared experience and I was glad I was able to share that special bond with my mom.

What Happened to Your Self-Confidence?

It's a very good question. Glad you asked because I am not sure. Maybe it's there just not as recognized in all areas. For instance......I have this thinking (crazy you would say) that most if not all guys when they see me are like hmmm she's is a good looking woman. I say that because of constant stares and facial expressions. The user name speaks for itself...I am a rare commodity in "these parts." You sir may disagree because I have not supplied a "valid reason" to support my claim. But even you yourself see the potential so it must be something beyond my physical features.

Now back to the topic at hand. Self confidence...it has weaken in the last three years or so. I would have to relate it to my weight gain. My weight has been up and down and then steady for a while. Naturally after high school women put on weight because physical activity starts to decline. Well my extra physical activity stopped about three years ago and working out on my own was the only way I could keep the weight off.

Excuses is what I call them because that is exactly what they are........but I let my daily activities keep me out the gym.....too busy with school, work, and needing time to study, I hardly have time for myself. Me time is defined as going to the gym. I enjoy working out but there never seems to be enough time in the day. I am either tired, gotta complete an assignment or its just too late to away from home alone. Excuses excuses.

So this guy...may as well put it out there (my friend with the benefit) is to me obsessed with weight. It's pretty ridicious actually. Anytime we see fat women he makes a comment...I told him to stop because its not nice. He told me about this chick he used to mess with...he practically watched her get big before his eyes. Sad but true. What does all that have to do with me you ask. Well I am self-conscious about my weight because its not where I would like it to be. I have even told him not to discuss weight in my presence because I don't wanna hear it. (one of those touchy subjects you know) So all of that would in some way suggest my reason for a lack in self-confidence. I once told a friend I bet if I had the body I wanted then people couldn't tell me nothing! He said yea probably that reason I don't. My weight keeps me grounded. Being a perfectionist already causes me to think everything has to be prefect and if it isn't then well that's just not good enough. I know what I gotta do and it will be done! My self-confidence has strengthen and before I know it I will be blowing people's mind.

My Best Friend, now she is on my list.

Usually not one for ranting and raving about people but I am sick and tired of the crap, writing is therapy for me. This will be the first of many.

A best friend, a cousin, and like the sister I never had. Not real sure where to start. I am an only child, everyone knows that. Well when I was younger I shared a room with my cousin. We hated each other and never got along. I think as only children it was a part of who we were. We shared a lot of things, our space, and bed. Our mothers were sisters and they dressed us alike, don't think we liked it too much considering we were not twins nor were we sisters.

Once I left the city my cousin and I grew closer, it took sometime it didn't happen over night at all. By our late teens we were extremely close. I love my cousin, she is my favorite person in the world to be around. She was the only one willing to spend time with me and get to know me once I moved to Kansas. We talked on the phone all the time and shared secrets, just as sisters would.

Well life changes people and my cousin and my relationship is at a low point. I went to her graduation this past June, it was a sacrifice but she is my cousin and I know it meant a lot to her. One of her accomplishments and she wanted me to share in her celebration. I was not able to stay gone long because of work and summer school but it was ample time for the occasion.

My cousin picked me up and took me back to the airport, gas of course is high, Detroit's airport is not an hour like ours but its at least a twenty minute drive.Anyway I had a layover in Chicago and when I turned my phone back on a had a voice message (it was not left intentionally). My cousin has two phones and I am thinking one called me on accident because I could hear her in the background having a conversation with someone about me. She was complaining about things I had no control over and basically bitching. (it was all on my voicemail) It had not occurred to me she felt that way and she is not one to hold her tongue. I figured if something bothered her she would tell me naw she went and complained to someone else. I was completely hurt by the message but nothing in me would call and confront her because its not me. I took it and let it sink in.

Upon arriving home I told me mom and let her hear the message. She told me to wait once I had calmed down and then call her. I called probably a week later, she answered ans said she would call back because she was visiting with grandma. It was not a successful call because that's the day we found out my grandma had cancer. My cousin called back later in the day but I wasn't home and she didn't call my cell phone. (guess she really ain't wanna talk)

I got back June 10th and my cousin and I still have not talked about what was bothering her. I have shrugged it off, its been almost a month. Its a pain in the ass because I think she needs to own up to what she said. I'm sure she knows that I heard the conversation because you know sisters, they talk. My mom told my aunt and I'm pretty sure she has mentioned it to my cousin. She gets to experience my grudge holding side. Sure it will pass, but its not pretty. That's just the beginning of my rants, more to come.

Prayer Changes Things

Don't get me wrong, I knew this. But it's better once you've experienced it for yourself. I went to Sunday school and bible study this week. I enjoyed myself and of course learned more about God's word. I need to get back into attending especially Sunday school. During class we talked about praying first thing in the morning and the effect it has on your day when you do verses when you don't. This morning I prayed when I woke up and it has made a miraculous effect on my day. I am feeling good, rejuvenated, and blessed!

I have to share my excitement!! I am going to pass MANAGERIAL ACCOUNTING!! I am so excited.......there was doubt. After completion of this semester I can apply to the School of Business!! I am so proud!! Everything is going well, I am going to see my cousin graduate in June, and then going back to Las Vegas in August. Thank You Lord for my blessings!

Don't Make Me Smack You!

The guy I thought was genuine. Hmmm

WHAT A JACKASS....you must have wanted me to write a post about you.
Yesterday he decides to "treat me a nigga" he claims. He then starting making obscene references about my body. I discontinued communication after that. He says "this is the way I must like being treated" since I bothered with those other losers......why would you join the out crowd??? I told you they were no longer worthy and as far as I am concerned they no longer exist in my arena. Nice that you wanted to join them. My dad said I did a no no and disclosed too much information about my past to you....guess I did. I thought you were a friend I could confide in........didn't think you would later use it against me.
You live and you learn.

My Burden

Hmmm this morning when getting dressed I noticed the marks on my shoulders were getting darker and starting to hurt. I applied cocoa butter cream to temporary relieve the pain. I have the burden of carrying excess weight on the top half of my body. Some would call it a blessing but they have not walked a day in my shoes.

The back pain and shoulder aches are no longer things I say....they have started and only seem to get worse. I have my annual Doctor's appointment tomorrow. I have to be sure to mention this to her and see what she suggests. Maybe a reduction!! :) Boy would I be thrilled. This kinda talk could be me being over dramatic...hmmm you try carrying this load for a week.

I officially hate shopping for bras and I am scared they are only growing larger. My mom had the reduction surgery in 2003. She was a lot bigger than I am but I am not far behind. I know they are growing with my body and the larger I get the larger they will become. It's sad. I used to wish I had them as a adolescent. Ha not anymore. I am known as "tits" to my girlfriends. Crap Crap. Will keep you posted.

Why don't I fight for it?

A friend of mine asked me what was I passionate about. He said I gave a generic answer. I said my faith. Nothing genetic about that but guess he would not understand where I am coming from.

When I think about my life and think about all things I have overcame it all seems to be the same. For one I have not had "hard times" nothing too drastic at least. I'm blessed. Even when things seem like they are going bad, God continues to show me favor. I am favored.....I just must remember that.

What I don't do is fight for things I want. I do not go after dreams......I kinda just let things happen. When it gets tough I become depressed and seek counsel from those who will listen. I need to change all that. I need to get on my knees and talk to God He is the only one that can change my situation as long as I am willing to try.

My mom says every semester I seem to go through this "I can't do it".... "its too hard" episode. Maybe it is an episode but I must be this way for a reason. Not sure why I continue to do what I do. When my passion and excitement is gone for something I lose hope and throw in the towel. It has happened too many times before.......this is in regards to many things in my life.

Here is a list:
Dream of being a lawyer
Cheer leading
Attending school out of state/town
My major
Friends

Well those are the things I can remember at the moment.

Recently I have been trying to do a little better with this. It doesn't help when people make reference to it either. Some will ask so what's your major this month and I am quick to take offense and tell them it has been the same DECLARED major since 2005. When I am losing friends....depending on the person and situation surrounding it I do not make a fuss. I just let it happen. People come and go in life. Some are only there for a season!

I am proud of myself and my accomplishments I have made that will ensure me a bright future. I have one year left in school and I am glad to say that....it has been a long journey but once it's over it will be WELL WORTH EVERY PENNY....lol cuz it sure has costed an arm and leg.

Maybe It's KARMA

Karma: the good or bad emanations felt to be generated by someone or something.

Yea I think thats exactly what it is. After my own nosy investigation I found a destvestating picture of my "past lover" and the chick he said he had stop messing with. He is officially a Liar in my book and never to be trusted again. He always told me I didn't trust him and in actuality I did and got bit in the ass anyway.

Karma seems to always come back and bite me. I have been told I look for love in all the wrong places...its such a true statement. When I was young I did my share of bad things to people. I guess its time I got whats coming to me. I trusted him and valued his opinion. He was what I considered my best friend and someone I would forever have in my life. I will try not to make anyone else pay for his mistake but its gonna be hard. The harder I try not to fall for anyone I usually end up doing exactly that and after a while of talking I realize they are worthless and time has been wasted. Time is valuable and I do not know how much longer I have on this Earth. I do not plan to rush anything because it usually turn bad as well. I will keep you updated if anything changes.

One Love and I'm Ghost.

Will He Cheat

This is a topic that plagues me. I have been watching way too many television shows in which one is cheating on their spouse. It actually is frightening. Is true that men get bored after so long of being married and decide to step out on their wife? Tv shows protrays that men and women become unhappy, and bored in their own marriage so they look elsewhere.....why not just tell your mate that things are not going well. Why cheat when you can just leave? As a person who has cheated before I know first hand it is a bad situation and there is nothing worst than trying to cover it up. I know cheating occurs, I am not naive about it but its really sad. I'm still young and haven't given much thought into settling down but when I do....the last thing I want to fear is my husband will cheat.

Feel free to leave your opinion!

Princess Brandi

Since he likes referring to me as a princess I feel it only necessary to write my thoughts.

There is no way I am a princess...this was a small discussion last night. I asked him to explain what made me a princess. His reasons were not valid.

1) Live in a palace
2) People take care of me
3) I have lots of oils, lotions, and shampoos (that's the killer)

I think that was all he had to say...which is why it is not valid. A, I do not live in a PALACE/CASTLE/MANSION its a single-family home. Yes, my parents do provide for me: insurance (til 23), car, phone, shelter, and food (for the most part). Let's explain something...I am a full-time college student and I work three; thats uno, dos, tres part-time jobs so yes I do pull my share. For number 3...what woman do you know who does not have a lot of these smell good items. My point precisely!

If I were a princess I would have a driver, nice big car, servants, and people who did anything I wanted them to do for me...but I don't therefore I am not A PRINCESS. Oh his explanation for me not having those luxuries. I am a modern princess! Have you heard of such a thing...I haven't.

I bet those princesses in other countries have all the things I named and they live in modern times (not medieval) I would not mind being a "princess" if I was called one in a nice way...not because I am fortunate to have parents who provide for me. You bests believe once I graduate ALL THINGS will change. The funny thing about that is in my head I WILL BE A PRINCESS because I like nice things and I will buy those things for myself.

Thanks for reading!

My Own Worst Critic

I'm back and even more judgemental this time around.

The cold air has hit Topeka again, in preparation I dressed warm but also semi-professional for work. I laid my clothes out last night. Decided to put on a long skirt and some boots since the snow was coming. I checked the mirror before I left for class....outfit didn't look too bad. Once class was over I headed for work.

While at work I looked in the mirror again....in disgust I thought I look about 30 years old and I'm hardly pushing 25. I look like a short, dumpy-looking woman who made a poor choice in clothing today. This did not make me feel any better about myself.

Then I thought what did people think when they seen me at school today. Although I was sitting in class....oh well. I will do better tomorrow!

The Trap

That's what I call it.
Maybe I have gone too far. Tell me if I did.

Just found out another friend is expecting a baby. A guy this time. We haven't talked in a while and the first thing he says is "I got a baby on the way" "Oh My"
is all I could say at first. I feel bad for these people out here. Maybe it was planned, by the woman at least. I think I remember him telling me he wanted to wait a while and how so many people he knew had kids. Well he is another HPHS statistic. Most people that went to my school have kids, no one gets married. They just pop out babies. Marriage is very rare! Its really sad. Well wish you and the your new family the best!!! :)

I Busted My Ass

When I arrived to KDS cousins house I walked around a huge puddle of water so I would not get my feet wet. When I was leaving KDS cousins house, it was about 1:15am. I was walking down the driveway toward what I thought was the water puddle that I had previous avoided.

There was now a car in the driveway so I had to walk through the puddle. I walked slow as to not splash water on my pants, before I knew it, my feet came from under me and I was on the concrete. As my body hit the ground, my head went up and came down and thud hit the concrete as well.

Since I am here to tell you the story I made it alright by the grace of God. Got to thinking once I got home......good thing a car was not driving up the street. I jumped up quick from the ground though, didn't want anyone to see me. :) I was thinking...hope I can drive home and not have a concussion but knew I would feel the fall in the morning. Went to bed with a aching head. Woke up with a sore backside. It was funny to me. Now I def know I will never attempt ice skating (again) and will be EXTRA careful when walking around ice. All these years I haven't fell but always feared falling. I know the pain now :(

Older, Meaner.

Never thought I would get labeled as mean.
Its funny to me now.

Last night I hunged out with my prego KDS....she is 17 weeks and I am a proud God mommy to hopefully a GIRL!

She has a cousin that is 20, almost 21 and he has had a crush on me since he first laid eyes on me. Yes a crush, lol. (I am cracking myself up) Naturally he isn't that much younger but he is my girls cousin and I was never interested all these years. This has been going on I am thinking since my junior year of high school maybe.

Well last night he was with KDS and trying to sweet talk me as usual. It was a interesting night. He had some good pick up lines. His cousins were cracking jokes, telling him to give up and leave me alone cuz I will never change my mind.

It was touching for me; His endurance and determination to make me his. He wants to be my man. Said he wants me to help him change his life around and would def do it if he had me. Anyway KDS cousins (that she used to lived with) boyfriend said, man, Brandi is still mean after all this time. I looked at him and thought to myself then replied, yea the older I get, the meaner I become. They laughed. In actuality its kinda true. No point in trying to sugarcoat the truth. Not many guys are worth my time and why waste it when its so precious??

My point exactly!!

Probably is the reason I am still single but I can't complain, the people that matter most enjoy my company.

Funny one for ya next......................

Pretty Random

Just been thinking in the last five minutes or so. Was gonna call my girl and asked what she was wearing to a job interview that she has tomorrow. She hasn't held a "real" job since working during high school. Then I began to think about my situation and the fact that YES I am still in school while she has graduated and attending graduate school. Besides the fact that I am my own person and different than most....a comment she made popped into my head.

She was having a hard time finding a job. She thought about it, man if Brandi can have three jobs I know I can find one. Funny how people compare themselves to me. Anyway then I thought about the fact that she has graduated from an undergraduate program and I am working on my fifth year of school in August. I am working on a tough major....its not a walk in the park. I am taking my time because the outcome would benefit me for a lifetime also I am going to school and working. I have recently started taking less hours so I could improve my g.p.a. its working. I passed all three classes last fall!!! I am extremely proud of that. I have not done that since I began college.

I am proud of my friend for graduating but it made me think of my own shortcomings. I ought of be really proud of myself because I am a rare commodity. Its not often that you find a young black woman doing well like myself. Every once in a while I need that reminder. I am smart, holding down three jobs, and going to school. I have my own car and I do not have any children. I am beautiful and best of all I am saved by HIS grace. I am not lost because God shows me everyday the reason for being. I try not to let small things make me fret because again God is there is He is able to remove all heartache and pain.

Will try not to take so long to write next time. :)