I decided in April to move back to the Midwest to be close to my parents.....I moved on Sept 1st. Left my position, my home and my sheer independence. I already miss my home girl Nini and my place sorta..... haha.
I have been seeking a new job. I would love to begin my career and a new life chapter but I must wait until God grants me that. Until it is my time. Patience Brandi. Lord, grant me the serenity to pump my brakes. Your time. Your will.
My plan is to move to the KC area when the time comes....I still can not do Topeka. I asked him could he live in Lawrence...its possible. In fact I refuse Topeka...I remember saying only my husband could get me to Topeka. I just don't wanna. Things around here have gotten so so bad lately. Murders, robberies (armed), abduction, and missing people. Small town crazies. And the minimum number of children to single parent is still 3. I'm 28, no babies, children, college grad, and unmarried. Rare. I've never been pregnant, such a virgin at so much (good and bad)
Although I am ready to date, and have a serious relationship I can't make that determination. So, I'll just continue working on me so I will be completely ready for when he is presented to me. I believe there is a Godly man out there (may even know him) that God created just for me. I should take Topeka by storm, but I just wanna make it like I'm not even here. Don't wanna see people. Or be associated with the area. Growth is needed.
Help me Lord.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Prelude
There was a post and a beginning to the last post....one that spoke happiness. One that would have expressed love for another. Well that ship sailed and foolish me should not have ever opened the door!
Still no updates posted about this year....started great. Had love, had another I shut out and put on the back burner. But what I did I do...maintained communication and couldn't wait to break up with the guy that I thought was suppose to be mine. Here we are in September....my birth month and yet we're still speaking. I don't know what to think anymore. We speak of love now and I start to wonder do I know the definition.....I know the love shown to those unconditionally but I am confused with it comes to the opposite sex. I know its not a emotion to seek lightly.....yet he is what I think and hope for. I know me, and I know I am good for ruining everything and running people off. Whenever you find happiness that is when people show up and cause issues....he waited for me. We've been talking like a year now and he has been patient through it all. Don't I deserve love and happiness for me. Don't I deserve a man that loves me and accepts me as I am. Don't I deserve to one day meet the one person that sweeps me off my feet. Never downing me or making me less than a person because of their own selfish whims. I do love him and I know I have to do better and not make excuses and just let him in.
Still no updates posted about this year....started great. Had love, had another I shut out and put on the back burner. But what I did I do...maintained communication and couldn't wait to break up with the guy that I thought was suppose to be mine. Here we are in September....my birth month and yet we're still speaking. I don't know what to think anymore. We speak of love now and I start to wonder do I know the definition.....I know the love shown to those unconditionally but I am confused with it comes to the opposite sex. I know its not a emotion to seek lightly.....yet he is what I think and hope for. I know me, and I know I am good for ruining everything and running people off. Whenever you find happiness that is when people show up and cause issues....he waited for me. We've been talking like a year now and he has been patient through it all. Don't I deserve love and happiness for me. Don't I deserve a man that loves me and accepts me as I am. Don't I deserve to one day meet the one person that sweeps me off my feet. Never downing me or making me less than a person because of their own selfish whims. I do love him and I know I have to do better and not make excuses and just let him in.
Momma said there'd be days like this......
April 12th, 2013
Mommies are ALWAYS right! States its hard to have anything in common and issue will just arise when you don't have the same objective. Relationship break is again in the stars for me. I can't do it. I rather be alone than take on you, her, me, and the life decisions each of us have made. I rather be quiet just so I don't hear the frustration in your voice. I rather hold my tongue than open my mouth and say something that will have to be defended . I rather live this life than deal with all the drama your bringing. I don't want need to desire it. It's not for me. And if I were honest and not concerned about how you would feel and the words you would say in response.
Like I've said I'm done. I've been faithful and committed to you. I've let you use me as an outlet....compromising, patient, supportive. This is not what a relationship is suppose to look like. Yet, I let you drag me into it. I gave you a chance....you said you were ready to step to me. You weren't. You still have maturing to do. While your ID says one age, your mind says another. Your living an adult life and doing adult things but yet you remain a child. You wanted a chance. I gave you one and now you're shitting on me. You brought this into my world. I didn't know. You could have saved a lot of "arguments" had you just worked on you. I'm trying to be Christ like. But not there, not yet. I accept you, but don't bring mess with you especially when I can't have mine.
And this is why I write.
My words are malice and say nothing pleasant. My thoughts are consuming. And while you like to point fingers and blame. I take responsibility. Full on that I should not have let you come into my heart and etch a mark. Brand me. Leave me tattered and again broken. I'm not defensive, I don't think all words are against me. Do I over think, analyze and over analyze even. Sure, of course. Part of my make-up.
Like Momma said.....there would be days like this!
Mommies are ALWAYS right! States its hard to have anything in common and issue will just arise when you don't have the same objective. Relationship break is again in the stars for me. I can't do it. I rather be alone than take on you, her, me, and the life decisions each of us have made. I rather be quiet just so I don't hear the frustration in your voice. I rather hold my tongue than open my mouth and say something that will have to be defended . I rather live this life than deal with all the drama your bringing. I don't want need to desire it. It's not for me. And if I were honest and not concerned about how you would feel and the words you would say in response.
Like I've said I'm done. I've been faithful and committed to you. I've let you use me as an outlet....compromising, patient, supportive. This is not what a relationship is suppose to look like. Yet, I let you drag me into it. I gave you a chance....you said you were ready to step to me. You weren't. You still have maturing to do. While your ID says one age, your mind says another. Your living an adult life and doing adult things but yet you remain a child. You wanted a chance. I gave you one and now you're shitting on me. You brought this into my world. I didn't know. You could have saved a lot of "arguments" had you just worked on you. I'm trying to be Christ like. But not there, not yet. I accept you, but don't bring mess with you especially when I can't have mine.
And this is why I write.
My words are malice and say nothing pleasant. My thoughts are consuming. And while you like to point fingers and blame. I take responsibility. Full on that I should not have let you come into my heart and etch a mark. Brand me. Leave me tattered and again broken. I'm not defensive, I don't think all words are against me. Do I over think, analyze and over analyze even. Sure, of course. Part of my make-up.
Like Momma said.....there would be days like this!
Saturday, April 6, 2013
I like to Bartender......
October 2012 (Decided to share)
A Texan, of course. Tall, dark chocolate, older (given), and had golds (killer). Nicknamed Black ok. So....hanging with Nina ass one random night downtown 6th street. We walking, like walking trying to find a place to be. She spots this yellow man standing in middle of street with dreads, white teeth, muscular built, and could not help herself. I seen him, then positioned myself in her path so she could not walk toward him and touch his hair (that's her thing). I did my best, but she got around me and sparked a conversation.
Fast Forward. He is a bartender also on the side (weekends, random spots). This one place, used to be MJ's (place for old heads), but on Thurs it was gay night and a party was always thrown so nothing but homosexual men and women everywhere. Thurs being Marie off night we strolled through. Black bartenders :0) one caught my eye, but he was young and while Nina was gathering infor for me another guy started flirted. Like this place had become our spot on Thursday. First time, I noticed everyone, but paid no one attention. Then the next week, Oscar is his name decided to flirt hard with me. I was being bold too that night (lots of alcohol) so we exchanged numbers....thought I would branch out and see what he was talking. Hmmm, he was 32 going on 33 I think. Has a son, and other kids he calls his. Been in Austin for years, bar tending was what he did. It didn't last long. We talked October, November. (Christopher Lawrence resurfaced end of October) putting a slight halt into Austin life. Was fun while it lasted, more memories gained. Even fell on my ass one night and I have never done that. Talking to the bartender (Nina hookup) gets you lots of drinks and for next to nothing. Let's just say Oscar was another failed Texan, but he didn't stand much of a chance.......
A Texan, of course. Tall, dark chocolate, older (given), and had golds (killer). Nicknamed Black ok. So....hanging with Nina ass one random night downtown 6th street. We walking, like walking trying to find a place to be. She spots this yellow man standing in middle of street with dreads, white teeth, muscular built, and could not help herself. I seen him, then positioned myself in her path so she could not walk toward him and touch his hair (that's her thing). I did my best, but she got around me and sparked a conversation.
Fast Forward. He is a bartender also on the side (weekends, random spots). This one place, used to be MJ's (place for old heads), but on Thurs it was gay night and a party was always thrown so nothing but homosexual men and women everywhere. Thurs being Marie off night we strolled through. Black bartenders :0) one caught my eye, but he was young and while Nina was gathering infor for me another guy started flirted. Like this place had become our spot on Thursday. First time, I noticed everyone, but paid no one attention. Then the next week, Oscar is his name decided to flirt hard with me. I was being bold too that night (lots of alcohol) so we exchanged numbers....thought I would branch out and see what he was talking. Hmmm, he was 32 going on 33 I think. Has a son, and other kids he calls his. Been in Austin for years, bar tending was what he did. It didn't last long. We talked October, November. (Christopher Lawrence resurfaced end of October) putting a slight halt into Austin life. Was fun while it lasted, more memories gained. Even fell on my ass one night and I have never done that. Talking to the bartender (Nina hookup) gets you lots of drinks and for next to nothing. Let's just say Oscar was another failed Texan, but he didn't stand much of a chance.......
Friday, April 5, 2013
B'Day 2012
9........4....8........5.....
Yeah, so I am delayed like 7 months...I am already 27 1/2 HA! Anyway, this past birthday was quite awesome like! I felt loved, had a house guest, lost a friend, gained some acquaintances
So my BEST Krystal Dawn came to celebrate my birthday with me, she hit me up months in advance stating how she wanted to come visit for my birthday and it was gonna be a surprise but she needed to check my schedule :) Birthday fell on a Tuesday this year, unlike other years I was not in a planning mode... I was sorta feeling down about the whole thing. My parents weren't visiting and I didn't have anyone to kick it with. I worked all Labor Day weekend (life of retail) and I was tired. Big thing going was ALL you could Grub Shrimp at R.L. (Red Lobster) *insider
So I knew that was definitely a plan and K Dawn loves them, so it was in the plan. Tuesday, I took off....I think. Yeah, I was off. Relaxed most of day around house, phone rang, people texted. I felt the LOVE! I decided to do dinner and drinks....RP was suppose to come through, otherwise it was gonna be Lisa A and me. My homegirl came through, so it became more social....decided on Cheddar's (cheap, strong drinks) and it was a centralized location. Got my brows threaded and of course was late to restaurant. I had a table of 5 people awaiting me...it was heartfelt. They ate, I drank to my heart's desire. Funny moment was shot time......Rosa wanted to order me a shot, Nina chimed in....she doesn't like Patron anymore, that was like last year! Me: shaking head. Rosa: Well, she always drank it before. I was like just get 1800, it will work. Nina and I are pro tequila shooters and yes, we're over Patron. So needless to say knowing the two of them really don't care for each other I knew that would probably be the last combined gathering (some friends need to be apart). I laughed inside though as the thought of them two going back and forth about what I like.
Krystal wasn't due in town until the weekend.......
For Krystal arrival, we were set to hit Fridays for a quick meal, then The Park once I was off.....Malikka even drove up from San Ant to see her cousin. The out spot was cool, more shots, free shots off the white boys trying to show the ladies a good time. Definitely a great time, Krystal was on the picture taking. We crashed that night once arriving home. Saturday, I actually cooked for my friend ( it was a requirement) LOL
We did shopping all day Saturday(not my idea of fun)...I wanted to be drunk, she was not having that! I got away with a quick snack at Fridays before hitting up the dinner spot. Table of 8, I felt the love! RP and her man flaked out on me last moment (sidebar: we didn't talk again until recently). Then downtown dirty 6th was set plan with Nina and Adriana (her co worker)....I had been bugging Quincy all week about Krystal coming and how he needed to come out for my birthday. After a few shots at home.....Krystal and I drove South headed downtown to meet Nina but swung by and grabbed Quincy ( I wasn't taking no), it was my night! Downtown was uneventful but we had a blast drinking, taking shots and dancing....yes dancing all night! We stayed out all night that eve. Drove back North in wee hours of the morning after sobering up. Slept like a few hours, grabbed some breakfast tacos and get Krystal to the airport. It was a WONDERFUL WORLDWIND OF CELEBRATION!! Would not change a moment......
Yeah, so I am delayed like 7 months...I am already 27 1/2 HA! Anyway, this past birthday was quite awesome like! I felt loved, had a house guest, lost a friend, gained some acquaintances
So my BEST Krystal Dawn came to celebrate my birthday with me, she hit me up months in advance stating how she wanted to come visit for my birthday and it was gonna be a surprise but she needed to check my schedule :) Birthday fell on a Tuesday this year, unlike other years I was not in a planning mode... I was sorta feeling down about the whole thing. My parents weren't visiting and I didn't have anyone to kick it with. I worked all Labor Day weekend (life of retail) and I was tired. Big thing going was ALL you could Grub Shrimp at R.L. (Red Lobster) *insider
So I knew that was definitely a plan and K Dawn loves them, so it was in the plan. Tuesday, I took off....I think. Yeah, I was off. Relaxed most of day around house, phone rang, people texted. I felt the LOVE! I decided to do dinner and drinks....RP was suppose to come through, otherwise it was gonna be Lisa A and me. My homegirl came through, so it became more social....decided on Cheddar's (cheap, strong drinks) and it was a centralized location. Got my brows threaded and of course was late to restaurant. I had a table of 5 people awaiting me...it was heartfelt. They ate, I drank to my heart's desire. Funny moment was shot time......Rosa wanted to order me a shot, Nina chimed in....she doesn't like Patron anymore, that was like last year! Me: shaking head. Rosa: Well, she always drank it before. I was like just get 1800, it will work. Nina and I are pro tequila shooters and yes, we're over Patron. So needless to say knowing the two of them really don't care for each other I knew that would probably be the last combined gathering (some friends need to be apart). I laughed inside though as the thought of them two going back and forth about what I like.
Krystal wasn't due in town until the weekend.......
For Krystal arrival, we were set to hit Fridays for a quick meal, then The Park once I was off.....Malikka even drove up from San Ant to see her cousin. The out spot was cool, more shots, free shots off the white boys trying to show the ladies a good time. Definitely a great time, Krystal was on the picture taking. We crashed that night once arriving home. Saturday, I actually cooked for my friend ( it was a requirement) LOL
We did shopping all day Saturday(not my idea of fun)...I wanted to be drunk, she was not having that! I got away with a quick snack at Fridays before hitting up the dinner spot. Table of 8, I felt the love! RP and her man flaked out on me last moment (sidebar: we didn't talk again until recently). Then downtown dirty 6th was set plan with Nina and Adriana (her co worker)....I had been bugging Quincy all week about Krystal coming and how he needed to come out for my birthday. After a few shots at home.....Krystal and I drove South headed downtown to meet Nina but swung by and grabbed Quincy ( I wasn't taking no), it was my night! Downtown was uneventful but we had a blast drinking, taking shots and dancing....yes dancing all night! We stayed out all night that eve. Drove back North in wee hours of the morning after sobering up. Slept like a few hours, grabbed some breakfast tacos and get Krystal to the airport. It was a WONDERFUL WORLDWIND OF CELEBRATION!! Would not change a moment......
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