I decided in April to move back to the Midwest to be close to my parents.....I moved on Sept 1st. Left my position, my home and my sheer independence. I already miss my home girl Nini and my place sorta..... haha.
I have been seeking a new job. I would love to begin my career and a new life chapter but I must wait until God grants me that. Until it is my time. Patience Brandi. Lord, grant me the serenity to pump my brakes. Your time. Your will.
My plan is to move to the KC area when the time comes....I still can not do Topeka. I asked him could he live in Lawrence...its possible. In fact I refuse Topeka...I remember saying only my husband could get me to Topeka. I just don't wanna. Things around here have gotten so so bad lately. Murders, robberies (armed), abduction, and missing people. Small town crazies. And the minimum number of children to single parent is still 3. I'm 28, no babies, children, college grad, and unmarried. Rare. I've never been pregnant, such a virgin at so much (good and bad)
Although I am ready to date, and have a serious relationship I can't make that determination. So, I'll just continue working on me so I will be completely ready for when he is presented to me. I believe there is a Godly man out there (may even know him) that God created just for me. I should take Topeka by storm, but I just wanna make it like I'm not even here. Don't wanna see people. Or be associated with the area. Growth is needed.
Help me Lord.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Prelude
There was a post and a beginning to the last post....one that spoke happiness. One that would have expressed love for another. Well that ship sailed and foolish me should not have ever opened the door!
Still no updates posted about this year....started great. Had love, had another I shut out and put on the back burner. But what I did I do...maintained communication and couldn't wait to break up with the guy that I thought was suppose to be mine. Here we are in September....my birth month and yet we're still speaking. I don't know what to think anymore. We speak of love now and I start to wonder do I know the definition.....I know the love shown to those unconditionally but I am confused with it comes to the opposite sex. I know its not a emotion to seek lightly.....yet he is what I think and hope for. I know me, and I know I am good for ruining everything and running people off. Whenever you find happiness that is when people show up and cause issues....he waited for me. We've been talking like a year now and he has been patient through it all. Don't I deserve love and happiness for me. Don't I deserve a man that loves me and accepts me as I am. Don't I deserve to one day meet the one person that sweeps me off my feet. Never downing me or making me less than a person because of their own selfish whims. I do love him and I know I have to do better and not make excuses and just let him in.
Still no updates posted about this year....started great. Had love, had another I shut out and put on the back burner. But what I did I do...maintained communication and couldn't wait to break up with the guy that I thought was suppose to be mine. Here we are in September....my birth month and yet we're still speaking. I don't know what to think anymore. We speak of love now and I start to wonder do I know the definition.....I know the love shown to those unconditionally but I am confused with it comes to the opposite sex. I know its not a emotion to seek lightly.....yet he is what I think and hope for. I know me, and I know I am good for ruining everything and running people off. Whenever you find happiness that is when people show up and cause issues....he waited for me. We've been talking like a year now and he has been patient through it all. Don't I deserve love and happiness for me. Don't I deserve a man that loves me and accepts me as I am. Don't I deserve to one day meet the one person that sweeps me off my feet. Never downing me or making me less than a person because of their own selfish whims. I do love him and I know I have to do better and not make excuses and just let him in.
Momma said there'd be days like this......
April 12th, 2013
Mommies are ALWAYS right! States its hard to have anything in common and issue will just arise when you don't have the same objective. Relationship break is again in the stars for me. I can't do it. I rather be alone than take on you, her, me, and the life decisions each of us have made. I rather be quiet just so I don't hear the frustration in your voice. I rather hold my tongue than open my mouth and say something that will have to be defended . I rather live this life than deal with all the drama your bringing. I don't want need to desire it. It's not for me. And if I were honest and not concerned about how you would feel and the words you would say in response.
Like I've said I'm done. I've been faithful and committed to you. I've let you use me as an outlet....compromising, patient, supportive. This is not what a relationship is suppose to look like. Yet, I let you drag me into it. I gave you a chance....you said you were ready to step to me. You weren't. You still have maturing to do. While your ID says one age, your mind says another. Your living an adult life and doing adult things but yet you remain a child. You wanted a chance. I gave you one and now you're shitting on me. You brought this into my world. I didn't know. You could have saved a lot of "arguments" had you just worked on you. I'm trying to be Christ like. But not there, not yet. I accept you, but don't bring mess with you especially when I can't have mine.
And this is why I write.
My words are malice and say nothing pleasant. My thoughts are consuming. And while you like to point fingers and blame. I take responsibility. Full on that I should not have let you come into my heart and etch a mark. Brand me. Leave me tattered and again broken. I'm not defensive, I don't think all words are against me. Do I over think, analyze and over analyze even. Sure, of course. Part of my make-up.
Like Momma said.....there would be days like this!
Mommies are ALWAYS right! States its hard to have anything in common and issue will just arise when you don't have the same objective. Relationship break is again in the stars for me. I can't do it. I rather be alone than take on you, her, me, and the life decisions each of us have made. I rather be quiet just so I don't hear the frustration in your voice. I rather hold my tongue than open my mouth and say something that will have to be defended . I rather live this life than deal with all the drama your bringing. I don't want need to desire it. It's not for me. And if I were honest and not concerned about how you would feel and the words you would say in response.
Like I've said I'm done. I've been faithful and committed to you. I've let you use me as an outlet....compromising, patient, supportive. This is not what a relationship is suppose to look like. Yet, I let you drag me into it. I gave you a chance....you said you were ready to step to me. You weren't. You still have maturing to do. While your ID says one age, your mind says another. Your living an adult life and doing adult things but yet you remain a child. You wanted a chance. I gave you one and now you're shitting on me. You brought this into my world. I didn't know. You could have saved a lot of "arguments" had you just worked on you. I'm trying to be Christ like. But not there, not yet. I accept you, but don't bring mess with you especially when I can't have mine.
And this is why I write.
My words are malice and say nothing pleasant. My thoughts are consuming. And while you like to point fingers and blame. I take responsibility. Full on that I should not have let you come into my heart and etch a mark. Brand me. Leave me tattered and again broken. I'm not defensive, I don't think all words are against me. Do I over think, analyze and over analyze even. Sure, of course. Part of my make-up.
Like Momma said.....there would be days like this!
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