I don't know when I can be myself.
I don't know who I can talk to...who I can let in, who I can vent to?
I am a bottled up thing of what seems like suffering and unable to release. There is no way I can go through life like this....
You asked me if I was "on the train" to get married since everyone around me was. Or something like that...I know it my mom asked me that way for sure. I have pondered and thought about that. Often questioning what was wrong with me and why couldn't I find true happiness.
Well, I considered this marriage thing again this morning when I was awake early and suppose to be working on my homework that I have put off for far too long. Class ends Nov 5th.
I've decided it's not about a wedding, or planning or anything of the sort. In fact, I have no desire to go through that part of life. I would be well content with going to the court house. Sorta like my thoughts on babies :)
I am not the girl with a dream wedding thoughts or plans. I don't have an ideal anything. All I truly want is LOVE AND HAPPINESS. A man that loves me for me. A man that wants to devote his life to me. Not a servant, a real man that is comfortable enough in himself to know
I am not a going through the process kind of person, yes I know processes exist! But, I am trying to make it clear...it's not about a wedding.
When I have to start shunning who I am and my inner being of what I desire then something's gotta give. I have always been in a place where it seemed all I was good for from a man was physical contact. And now it appears roles have switched. I am finding myself making others uncomfortable about what I want. I am no longer free to express my wants and desires and that's when I decided this was not for me. Again, there is no way I can go through life this way. And anyone that does. Pity.
I have always been sexual, and I have always been able to control it. I think if I lacked the control then life could have easily gone a different way. I know I gave you such a hard time about us being physical, maybe because your desire matched mine and I couldn't see it. It was just a reminder to me of all the others...taking since I was giving. Leaving me feeling empty and alone at night because they had reached their peak.
People always say how once you're married, wives start to withhold...I always knew I would not be that wife. Just the opposite in fact as I've wanted marriage (this sounds bad, ok) so I could be with my husband anytime I wanted and not feel a hint of bad about it. I could do all the freaky kinky things to him.
I think this contributes to why I run, I don't get what I want and I just move on. I give my all to someone and it never is enough, so I pack up and move on to something different. I still want to leave and be FAR away from this place. I love my parents like nobody's business (and most don't understand it) but they are there and have always been there for me. We communicate on all levels, our love, bond is unbroken, unwavered. I thought I would have that someday and I could share it with my children.
Next post will be about a Mother's love. (note to self)
I am deciding more and more this single parent thing just may be all right. I won't have to change, I won't have to give up who I am. I'll hopefully graduate in May 2016, secure a career making enough to support myself and start looking into sprem banks and artificial insemination.
This all seems like I am unwilling to work with others but in truth, in compromise I will do anything for those that I love. I just can't do it if they would not do the same for me. Dad hit it on the head Friday, "never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." I've heard this saying often, hadn't realized I was living it again. Yet it showed from the outside. I sometimes want to crawl into a ball and just have cry parties, but I know they won't solve anything. And my mom won't let me. She is so strong, she wants that for me too.
When I look at bad relationship examples I feel at though I can say I have gotten the degree, wore the tshirt, ate the cookie, placed a trophy on the shelf because I have seen, done, experienced a lot in my short life span. Things that most would not even have thought possible. I think that is why I am most annoyed and frustrated when people look at me and think I know nothing about anything. So, I just smile and go with it. Better than trying to show someone that doesn't matter nor have a hell or heaven to put me place their judgement on me when I was judged from their perspection alone.
Think I'll stop here. Topics have drifted. Maybe I should write, yet I don't believe anyone would read the rantings of another. That's why I use this blog. No one has to know. I can just release.
Smooches and love.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
Who am I SUPPOSE to be....
I plague myself and ask this question often.
What is my purpose? What am I here for? I have read through "Purpose Driven Life" like 3x...none on my own. I have not done my own studying. Maybe I should.
So often I used to place myself in a box, never wanting to show the true me. Always concerned what everyone would think if they knew...then I grew up and life happened best it could for me.
From time to time I wonder what am I doing?
Where do I go from here?
From the outside looking in, all seems well. It seems like I have it "going on" and things are in place. In actuality I know the truth and I know things aren't as they seem. When I try to reach out to my mom to talk, I am reminded how "good I've got it" and how I should be proud of what I've accomplished. If I sit and compared myself I would see her point. Yet, I don't do that.
I look apples to apples and how I am not where I want to be in life. I think about will I ever be...will I always feel not like my best? Shall I remain envious?
I'm sorta tired...like always again. Yet, I don't gripe on it. I know it's my own fault for not sticking with my vitamins. They were working.
True purpose for this post and I haven't even touched on it. A lot going on around me. New clinic location, out here in the middle of nothingness. Guess I'll start a new post soon....get down to the nitty gritty.
What is my purpose? What am I here for? I have read through "Purpose Driven Life" like 3x...none on my own. I have not done my own studying. Maybe I should.
So often I used to place myself in a box, never wanting to show the true me. Always concerned what everyone would think if they knew...then I grew up and life happened best it could for me.
From time to time I wonder what am I doing?
Where do I go from here?
From the outside looking in, all seems well. It seems like I have it "going on" and things are in place. In actuality I know the truth and I know things aren't as they seem. When I try to reach out to my mom to talk, I am reminded how "good I've got it" and how I should be proud of what I've accomplished. If I sit and compared myself I would see her point. Yet, I don't do that.
I look apples to apples and how I am not where I want to be in life. I think about will I ever be...will I always feel not like my best? Shall I remain envious?
I'm sorta tired...like always again. Yet, I don't gripe on it. I know it's my own fault for not sticking with my vitamins. They were working.
True purpose for this post and I haven't even touched on it. A lot going on around me. New clinic location, out here in the middle of nothingness. Guess I'll start a new post soon....get down to the nitty gritty.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Is it Jargon?
Perhaps it is...or maybe I should consider my audience or the company I keep.
I continue saying I, I, I. It's really not about me, it never has been. Momma "told me long ago never to walk in any one's shadow". I'm kidding, song lyrics. But, she did say to marry someone on my level as it would facilitate share levels of communication making it not as difficult. I have seen that in my "dating".
This post is pretty trivial, but as more and more people ask me about school I am inclined to feel as though I am speaking a foreign language. It is often that I am asked what I am studying, or what classes am I taking. Being me, and pretty humble I don't like to draw much attention to myself so speaking about school is not something I enjoy much anyway.
S/N: I should be working on homework, not posting my thoughts. Time Management, I lack the skill. Not a strong suit hee hee.
People will ask, so "what are you studying?"
I reply, " I'm getting my MBA! "
"Oh, in what?"
"Hmm, business administration"
"Oh, ok.
I know MBA's are nationally recognized, but again you have to consider the audience. Even in health care. I have since changed my language, unless I know for sure to whom I am speaking, now it's " I'm in grad school " or "getting my Masters". Most understand that. Right?
Then, I still have to go further into detail regarding my course work. While the concept is not complicated, the explanation of it is. Then I really feel as though I am giving a mini bio on myself. Why can't people ask the weather or if I have a bunch of babies and dead beat dads around :)
I don't feel people actually care, but I guess it's good conversation. I should be thrilled right?! I like saying I'm getting my MBA, not explaining. Why I would not make a good teacher. My patience is situational and mood oriented.
CHEESE. YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!
I continue saying I, I, I. It's really not about me, it never has been. Momma "told me long ago never to walk in any one's shadow". I'm kidding, song lyrics. But, she did say to marry someone on my level as it would facilitate share levels of communication making it not as difficult. I have seen that in my "dating".
This post is pretty trivial, but as more and more people ask me about school I am inclined to feel as though I am speaking a foreign language. It is often that I am asked what I am studying, or what classes am I taking. Being me, and pretty humble I don't like to draw much attention to myself so speaking about school is not something I enjoy much anyway.
S/N: I should be working on homework, not posting my thoughts. Time Management, I lack the skill. Not a strong suit hee hee.
People will ask, so "what are you studying?"
I reply, " I'm getting my MBA! "
"Oh, in what?"
"Hmm, business administration"
"Oh, ok.
I know MBA's are nationally recognized, but again you have to consider the audience. Even in health care. I have since changed my language, unless I know for sure to whom I am speaking, now it's " I'm in grad school " or "getting my Masters". Most understand that. Right?
Then, I still have to go further into detail regarding my course work. While the concept is not complicated, the explanation of it is. Then I really feel as though I am giving a mini bio on myself. Why can't people ask the weather or if I have a bunch of babies and dead beat dads around :)
I don't feel people actually care, but I guess it's good conversation. I should be thrilled right?! I like saying I'm getting my MBA, not explaining. Why I would not make a good teacher. My patience is situational and mood oriented.
CHEESE. YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!
Monday, October 6, 2014
Addiction
SOOOO I have been back in Top Whack town for over a year now... and it took me a few months, but I tried College Hill Pizza Pub and INSTANTLY fell in love! When I want pizza, this is where I want it from. From time to time I have to have Papa John's cause it's WONDERFUL hot!
Do you see where this is going....down a terrible lane of my waist line expanding because of all the goozy delicious pizza that I want to eat. It is great anytime of day. When drunk it's magnificant, great at lunch, dinner just good, ok! They have a full bar although their workers do not know how to mix up drinks it is best to stick to bottled items or pop with their free style COCA COLA machine!!! MMMM
You really should venture out and check this place out. I am calling you out hermit. Yep.
I want some pizza now.... lunch has just been delivered and it's Carlos. I don't like that place except to drink and their queso. My boyfriend says we will go there and have my fill of Long Islands...he claims 1 will knock me off my ass. We'll see and I won't go until he takes me since he brought it up. I used to frequent Carlos in undergrad on Wednesdays for their rita specials. All alone, at the bar eating cheese and sipping ritas. I wonder if he worked there then, timelines and dates are hard to verify. It's like I am conducting an investigation into his life. Which I am.
Happy Monday!
Today, I love life. We'll see after the walk this evening :)
LOVE, PEACE, HOPE to ALL
Do you see where this is going....down a terrible lane of my waist line expanding because of all the goozy delicious pizza that I want to eat. It is great anytime of day. When drunk it's magnificant, great at lunch, dinner just good, ok! They have a full bar although their workers do not know how to mix up drinks it is best to stick to bottled items or pop with their free style COCA COLA machine!!! MMMM
You really should venture out and check this place out. I am calling you out hermit. Yep.
I want some pizza now.... lunch has just been delivered and it's Carlos. I don't like that place except to drink and their queso. My boyfriend says we will go there and have my fill of Long Islands...he claims 1 will knock me off my ass. We'll see and I won't go until he takes me since he brought it up. I used to frequent Carlos in undergrad on Wednesdays for their rita specials. All alone, at the bar eating cheese and sipping ritas. I wonder if he worked there then, timelines and dates are hard to verify. It's like I am conducting an investigation into his life. Which I am.
Happy Monday!
Today, I love life. We'll see after the walk this evening :)
LOVE, PEACE, HOPE to ALL
50 Shades of.......
Because I am 50 shades of fucked up......
So I am re-reading my erotic trilogy since the movie is set to release February 2015. I am still in book one, 50 Shades of Grey. On page 333 of the 514 page novel, not bad for a FT time student and employee. I mean I do have to read textbooks too :)
Started my third course last night, HRM.....I was at first overwhelmed upon reading the syllabus as were many others in my cohort. It all seemed like busy work... but it won't be as bad long as I don't leave it all for Tuesday evening like I did this week. :)
It has been a week for me and life. I did not want to do a thing, my mind and thoughts just in shambles. I could not focus and just wanted to do nothing, but play on my phone. I am glad this week is coming to an end. I am looking forward to a peaceful weekend. There is a wedding Saturday for a church member, I'll attend. No reception. Hopefully, rest or home, or homework :)
I have wanted to reach out so badly. It hurt knowing I couldn't. A friend had my back when I needed her Sunday. I couldn't even read the hurt away and I was so in a funk that being out didn't seem like a smart idea. (Well, I didn't want to!)
Back to Grey.
So, this book turns my thoughts inside out... it is mind blowing and makes me wish I had my own Sir to set my body aflame. The words on the page, I want them to become reality (to a small extent) not full on dominatrix and body plugs and such. LOL
I am so anticipating the movie, (LIKE I CAN'T WAIT) I know it's like I am a sexual deviant that has been closed off. An untapped source...well untapped now. I was a bad girl in the South (won't say anything else).
I have been reading erotica since HS, people in my life know I enjoy these sort of books. I guess I should be embarrassed, but there are worst things I could do. And my reading has not caused an detriment to me or others. I have a creative mind, so this reading is good for me. As I got older in my early 20's a mentor of mine tried to shift my reading to more Christian based novels. I read those, enjoyed them and still found other books to occupy my thoughts. I even established a new author that I enjoyed...Francis Ray. Her books weren't as raunchy, but still gave me something to ponder :)
I remember my first encounter (the source is even more priceless) regarding these novels and get this.... ADDICTED is set to release in theaters in less than one week. Addicted was my first book read by Zane. Followed by Heat Seekers, Nervous and the list continues. I need to plan that movie trip, think I'll be in the city when it releases....too bad I don't have girlfriends to accompany me. Darn.
So I am re-reading my erotic trilogy since the movie is set to release February 2015. I am still in book one, 50 Shades of Grey. On page 333 of the 514 page novel, not bad for a FT time student and employee. I mean I do have to read textbooks too :)
Started my third course last night, HRM.....I was at first overwhelmed upon reading the syllabus as were many others in my cohort. It all seemed like busy work... but it won't be as bad long as I don't leave it all for Tuesday evening like I did this week. :)
It has been a week for me and life. I did not want to do a thing, my mind and thoughts just in shambles. I could not focus and just wanted to do nothing, but play on my phone. I am glad this week is coming to an end. I am looking forward to a peaceful weekend. There is a wedding Saturday for a church member, I'll attend. No reception. Hopefully, rest or home, or homework :)
I have wanted to reach out so badly. It hurt knowing I couldn't. A friend had my back when I needed her Sunday. I couldn't even read the hurt away and I was so in a funk that being out didn't seem like a smart idea. (Well, I didn't want to!)
Back to Grey.
So, this book turns my thoughts inside out... it is mind blowing and makes me wish I had my own Sir to set my body aflame. The words on the page, I want them to become reality (to a small extent) not full on dominatrix and body plugs and such. LOL
I am so anticipating the movie, (LIKE I CAN'T WAIT) I know it's like I am a sexual deviant that has been closed off. An untapped source...well untapped now. I was a bad girl in the South (won't say anything else).
I have been reading erotica since HS, people in my life know I enjoy these sort of books. I guess I should be embarrassed, but there are worst things I could do. And my reading has not caused an detriment to me or others. I have a creative mind, so this reading is good for me. As I got older in my early 20's a mentor of mine tried to shift my reading to more Christian based novels. I read those, enjoyed them and still found other books to occupy my thoughts. I even established a new author that I enjoyed...Francis Ray. Her books weren't as raunchy, but still gave me something to ponder :)
I remember my first encounter (the source is even more priceless) regarding these novels and get this.... ADDICTED is set to release in theaters in less than one week. Addicted was my first book read by Zane. Followed by Heat Seekers, Nervous and the list continues. I need to plan that movie trip, think I'll be in the city when it releases....too bad I don't have girlfriends to accompany me. Darn.
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