I don't know when I can be myself.
I don't know who I can talk to...who I can let in, who I can vent to?
I am a bottled up thing of what seems like suffering and unable to release. There is no way I can go through life like this....
You asked me if I was "on the train" to get married since everyone around me was. Or something like that...I know it my mom asked me that way for sure. I have pondered and thought about that. Often questioning what was wrong with me and why couldn't I find true happiness.
Well, I considered this marriage thing again this morning when I was awake early and suppose to be working on my homework that I have put off for far too long. Class ends Nov 5th.
I've decided it's not about a wedding, or planning or anything of the sort. In fact, I have no desire to go through that part of life. I would be well content with going to the court house. Sorta like my thoughts on babies :)
I am not the girl with a dream wedding thoughts or plans. I don't have an ideal anything. All I truly want is LOVE AND HAPPINESS. A man that loves me for me. A man that wants to devote his life to me. Not a servant, a real man that is comfortable enough in himself to know
I am not a going through the process kind of person, yes I know processes exist! But, I am trying to make it clear...it's not about a wedding.
When I have to start shunning who I am and my inner being of what I desire then something's gotta give. I have always been in a place where it seemed all I was good for from a man was physical contact. And now it appears roles have switched. I am finding myself making others uncomfortable about what I want. I am no longer free to express my wants and desires and that's when I decided this was not for me. Again, there is no way I can go through life this way. And anyone that does. Pity.
I have always been sexual, and I have always been able to control it. I think if I lacked the control then life could have easily gone a different way. I know I gave you such a hard time about us being physical, maybe because your desire matched mine and I couldn't see it. It was just a reminder to me of all the others...taking since I was giving. Leaving me feeling empty and alone at night because they had reached their peak.
People always say how once you're married, wives start to withhold...I always knew I would not be that wife. Just the opposite in fact as I've wanted marriage (this sounds bad, ok) so I could be with my husband anytime I wanted and not feel a hint of bad about it. I could do all the freaky kinky things to him.
I think this contributes to why I run, I don't get what I want and I just move on. I give my all to someone and it never is enough, so I pack up and move on to something different. I still want to leave and be FAR away from this place. I love my parents like nobody's business (and most don't understand it) but they are there and have always been there for me. We communicate on all levels, our love, bond is unbroken, unwavered. I thought I would have that someday and I could share it with my children.
Next post will be about a Mother's love. (note to self)
I am deciding more and more this single parent thing just may be all right. I won't have to change, I won't have to give up who I am. I'll hopefully graduate in May 2016, secure a career making enough to support myself and start looking into sprem banks and artificial insemination.
This all seems like I am unwilling to work with others but in truth, in compromise I will do anything for those that I love. I just can't do it if they would not do the same for me. Dad hit it on the head Friday, "never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." I've heard this saying often, hadn't realized I was living it again. Yet it showed from the outside. I sometimes want to crawl into a ball and just have cry parties, but I know they won't solve anything. And my mom won't let me. She is so strong, she wants that for me too.
When I look at bad relationship examples I feel at though I can say I have gotten the degree, wore the tshirt, ate the cookie, placed a trophy on the shelf because I have seen, done, experienced a lot in my short life span. Things that most would not even have thought possible. I think that is why I am most annoyed and frustrated when people look at me and think I know nothing about anything. So, I just smile and go with it. Better than trying to show someone that doesn't matter nor have a hell or heaven to put me place their judgement on me when I was judged from their perspection alone.
Think I'll stop here. Topics have drifted. Maybe I should write, yet I don't believe anyone would read the rantings of another. That's why I use this blog. No one has to know. I can just release.
Smooches and love.
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