Been re-reading my post and

I have noticed that I have not written the post that was suppose to be shared ie. dealing with a man and their "man ways" and not wanting to live with one. Not sure if I want to write about that at the moment...not in the bash men mood.

It's been a mellow weekend considering it's the last one before Christmas. I do miss you (I never answered that text) but my last attempt at contact left me completely annoyed with you. Read your last post, quite interesting.

I can't place all men in a box because my dad is the only example I have. I think I will 86 that notion of men are not good housemates. But I do like sleeping alone so once I get married I would like a King size bed to give more space to stretch out. I imagine it would be nice to have someone to snuggle with but even that gets hot and awkward at times. Does that make me a selfish bitch? I wonder.

I been gave up hoop jumping, but people are not seeming to get it. If you want me.....here I am. Whatever, you want. Not 4....just 3. For those of you that do not matter at all please I beg of you to let me be. Your presence is not welcome. That's all random. Still have not worked on my thoughts. I'm pretty much all over the place. Passed Calculus which is a huge achievement for me! Still have not celebrated the victory...shows my lack of a social life. My "sister" graduated from her respiratory therapy program and I went to Parsons to see her pinned....it was touching. I'm really proud of her, she and my goddaughter will be moving back to Topeka soon. I have a post in my drafts about her.....need to finish and publish it.

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting at home.....alone. Was drinking but got into something else (oh my craziness). My parents are out enjoying themselves like married people do. They are in the city celebrating their anniversary....one day. Think that's all for now. Going to bed, don't feel the need to remain awake. And then my phone vibrated. It's you....imagine that.

Growth

I am so convinced it is impossible to grow and run with the same crowd. I'm in a bit of a predicament though. One of my good friends....more like a sister because that's how we fight....just constant because time and space has separated us. I don't really know where to start. Life even has us on different but similar paths. She is the mother of my God daughter and while that means we have a connection we have never been the greatest of friends, it's always been more like family (Knowing that I need to just suck it up and realize I have to deal with her just as you have to deal with me.) We get mad for a second and get over it...but lately I have been annoyed with her saying how I don't like to go out or have a good time. I do...really I do but this is Topeka. This shit is so whack. She has not lived here in 6 years so when she comes to town she's like we doing something...but man THERE IS NOTHING TO DO and once we get out and she sees that she instantly gets in a mood and shuts down. Had the nerve to lay her head down last night when we were out. "I'm tired and I just want to leave"...hell I didn't want to go out, but I did. So me and the other girl tried to make the best of the situation. We out....we may as well have a good time since we're here.

I am over going out at least around here. Don't get me wrong...love getting dressed up, but once I get there if it's going to be us just sitting...I could have sat at home, drank for free and not smell like smoke by the end of the evening. That's the other thing, I have slowed on my drinking....oh I'm so old....stick in the mud....a bum all these things (that's what I am referred to as.)While I was never a "huge partyier" I realized drinking was becoming a problem, so I tried to slow it up. Again I can drink at home.

Update: Things got a little better....changed me. Decided to start acting my age this year and living my life so when I am 40 I won't be trying to be up in someone bar. It's been good thus far.

Just Sharing

Not sure if the world is ready for these present thoughts, and I don't think I am ready to disclose......so, update on me.

It's something about me that causes heads to be turned and people to hate. I do what I can to stay out of the lime light because I do not like all eyes on me. SO I decided to apply for a position within my organization. I did not want to transfer just pick up additional hours. So I submitted the application. Since I work in Recruitment/HR I can see all applications. Why did one of my co-workers send my application to our boss. We never send transfer apps to employee directors...HATER. Not that it was a secret but damn. It was so out of protocol. I almost brought it up during the team meeting as to inquire is that our new policy.........but I didn't.

School is going magnifique!! I am not only passing Applied Calculus but I am carrying a B average.....boy to get a B in Cal would be incredible. After all these attempts an A should be recorded but hey math is not my subject! Since graduation is finally right around the corner it is time for me to get on the ball to job seeking out of Topeka :)

I have really shut down socially. I sit in the house most nights unless my parents are going out. I should have written a blog on the last incident...or maybe I did must review and see. Ever since my epiphany mid September I have not been the same. I have made some necessary steps for apologizing but the words were not spoken. :)Slowly I have tried to start talking again to friends that I was annoyed with anyway. I am so stubborn. I have told myself its ok if I don't speak to many people...will make it that much easier to leave and not miss anyone. I got this whole crazy notion about being alone. I think I will be alright.

I have told my mom I will start giving her grandchildren by 28 regardless of what was going on...like if I was married or not. We shall see. I don't want her to be too old and if I am having more than one I'm not trying to be in my forty's still having kids. Only time will tell. On a happier note, I have not done anything too rash in a while....even started writing on Face book...imagine that. And oh now that I am getting up in age it's time to raise my age requirement again. I am thinking 27 plus.

I should cut it out with these random thoughts but I write as things come to mind. My crazy trait I guess. Boy do I want to share. I really want to go someplace fun...alone I think. No one at the present time that I would like to HAVE to be stuck with. Oh and why do people think I am a freaking source of information, it used to make me feel good...now it annoys the hell out of me. Find out your own information or better yet if I were like them I would just say I didn't know......ok done for now, still need to get back to the reason I don't want to live with a man. Coming sometime soon.

Side note: When I read these post later...I sound crazy and bitter, at times so cynical I wonder how I function. Oh my thoughts. Later.

HMMMM

I feel like such a slacker....I have not written in FOR-EV-ER. Just not like me especially since a lot has been going on and is on my mind. I have not been able to release so instead I became a Bitch and I mean literally. For at least a month I was not nice to hardly anyone. Was my way of dealing with the things life had thrown my way. Not the best option certainly but it worked just fine for me. I am finally coming down and have since healed. I declared that last night. I don't even know that I want to continue writing. I believe it helps because it at least causes me to put what I am feeling out there, but I have been doing that verbally for the last year. So anyway....I'm back and ready for action. Tired of being down on myself and always being my worst critic. Things have been going so well for me and I have not been able to fully appreciate it because I was stuck on stupid. There I said it. Always allowing others to come before me. School is good. Two classes this semester and a weekly schedule so relaxed its sickening. I have some people to make up with...I still would like to just go someplace and be alone though. The whole hating this place will not ever subside. I desire more. More than Topeka has to offer me and that's what it all boils down to. I have big dreams and if my dreams are something I have to accomplish alone.....I'm ready. Everyday I get on this new kick. Maybe it was apart of my anger. But I don't want to have to share with anyone. I think I could be "single" for the rest of my existence. Maybe that's a bit much but I have realized I don't want to have to deal with a man and their man ways. Will have to finish this another time.

Blogging

I haven't shared in a while and thought maybe it was time. This blog site is not only meant for venting but sharing as well.

Last semester went well and still on my way to a Fall graduation.
It has been an extremely HOT summer. This Kansas humidity is no joke. I haven't been out much, heat is NOT my thing.

Was in ATL during June meeting my step dad family. Met some awesome cousins my age, oh the joys! A friend from elementary school met me in Atlanta, we had a decent time. I enjoyed what I seen of Atlanta, definitely would like to go back. Had a revelation during the week as I was getting to know my friend again. Her hair was so long and pretty and I had been trying to let mine grow over the last few months. She said she gets her hair pressed and do not get a relaxer anymore. I thought Eureka! That's what I can do. So I thought it out in my mind how I would attempt to break the news to my beautician...the whole "going natural" is not a new phenom for me. LOL. Then after thinking some more and talking with my mom I realized this Kansas humidity would fry my head and I would have the Afro back in style because the pressing would not last! Also there aren't places around town that do press and curl. It's all about the chemicals. Oh Kansas.

I am taking one summer class, Applied Cal again. It is going a lot better this time around. The previous attempts and getting tutoring did help I just was not applying myself during the week.

Update: I hate Algebra!! Calculus is a breeze...........

Been on the job almost two years, had some up and down moments but overall I can not complain. For in this terrible economy and in the mist of layoffs I have a job with medical and dental benefits. Speaking of benefits I read Steve Harvey's book right around March when he stepped into my life. The book did me good, for once I got to know someone without giving myself to them. I was already on the path of removing that part of me but the reading and the openness made it that much better. Incredible is still how I would like to describe him. He likes it!
At this junction, I would like to take back my view on the male species.

Been upgrading many parts of my life and still on an upward climb, removing the old and making room for the new. I am continuing to create possibilities and be encouraging to others. Realized I have some awesome friends who love me and are much concerned for my happiness. God has smiled on me, he has set me FREE. And I am eternally grateful!

A conversation I had through text after the first day of my
Advanced Course, April 1, 2009

I have been forced to confront some issues in my life.
And I am trying to give up. Not wanting to realize all that I lack, I know I want to produce change but I continue to make excuses.

There is so much going on with me most days that I don't know that all of it will be resolved. And I don't know where to begin. For so long I have been trying to be this perfect person. Free of flaws and wanting everyone to love and accept me but never showing them who I really am. I have not been willing to confront my demons because anytime the opportunity presents itself I run and hide and say it's nothing.

I want to give up and quit my advanced course because I don't believe all I need to reveal or confront will come out like it needs to. I get angry when people try to tell me things I don't want to hear. I become withdrawn and make myself unapproachable.

Don't know what life has for me and it seems like I will always be searching. I will never be this great person that I have perceived in my mind. Just lost most days. Even that is not allowing myself to live to my full potential. I expect great things from myself and I am chosen. Because I know all things are possible.

What I would really like to get is really empowering myself. I give encouraging words and empower friends but when it comes to me I say nothing. I won't even take my own advice, it's crazy. How can I tell someone what they should do and I won't even listen to it.

Didn't choose the best person to send the message to but I knew he would listen and not say much back.....kinda just wanted to vent. I got over all that and God has taken me to a new level in Him.

The Moon

Oh too funny that I got this. Mr. Hicks would be smiling right now....we have been talking about the moon for the last week!!

You are The Moon

Hope, expectation, Bright promises.

The Moon is a card of magic and mystery - when prominent you know that nothing is as it seems, particularly when it concerns relationships. All logic is thrown out the window.

The Moon is all about visions and illusions, madness, genius and poetry. This is a card that has to do with sleep, and so with both dreams and nightmares. It is a scary card in that it warns that there might be hidden enemies, tricks and falsehoods. But it should also be remembered that this is a card of great creativity, of powerful magic, primal feelings and intuition. You may be going through a time of emotional and mental trial; if you have any past mental problems, you must be vigilant in taking your medication but avoid drugs or alcohol, as abuse of either will cause them irreparable damage. This time however, can also result in great creativity, psychic powers, visions and insight. You can and should trust your intuition.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Boyfriend=Babies

Don't get it completely twisted....although my thinking has been known to be. Not on a pedestal preaching but for goodness sakes why on Earth do these women keep getting pregnant by the first man that shows them some attention???

Finally was able to admit to myself that I texted random people so I can always feel like someone is....hmmm how to say it --- listening or available to me when I want them to be.

And I told ACA, he called me an "attention whore."

Better than sleeping with random women as some men do.

Back to topic....so some more women are pregnant this time around. I just don't get it. Birth control is free ya know and guess what it actually does prevent pregnancy. Problem I think is these women want the babies....do you really think he is gonna stay with you?? Yes it's possible but not likely. Do you think he will marry you.....again possible but not likely. Another baby momma is born. I cause enough stress in my own life, would not want figuring out how I am gonna afford my child to add to that. While it's not of my beliefs having a child outside of marriage is not the worst thing a woman could do....I do criticize those that do but only because I know babies are blessings and I could not even fathom going through life not knowing how I will provide my child's every need. I refuse to get on government assistance. Get a freaking job and take care of your responsibilities. You laid down with the man knowing a child would come if protection was not in place. Yea yea being pregnant is cute and it causes people to give you attention but have you thought about the late nights.......the pacing, crying, baby's mix up of night and day, and the constant number of times babies get sick and throw up?? I have. I think about the diaper changes and the fact that I am not ready to take all that on. I often wonder if I ever will be. Selfish?? No just can't get a grip on that yet. That's why I know I am not having children until I am married and it is a JOINT decision to conceive.

My prayer is I wish the best for all the BABY MAMA's out there and hope God continues to keep you.

This is what it is.......

Competitive Jealousy
Your jealousy is often confused with harmless competition; you do love a good challenge. While generally healthy, this jealousy can often spiral out of control, since its root causes are insecurity or a lack of trust in anyone but yourself.
The cure: Take a time out once in a while. All this going, going, going will eventually drain your energy. Take some nights to relax and stop thinking about your next move (job promotion, party, outfit). Then adapt a positive approach to other people's lives as well as yours. Remember, you don?t need to compare all friends' vacations, jobs and boyfriends to yours. Take a more accepting approach?your life is at this stage for a reason?and enjoy it. Seriously.

I took a quiz to "find out how jealous I am" knew it was about wanting more attention, LOL

My block is off!

Had to throw this in real quick.

It has just came to my attention that my friend is a liar. People around me probably tried to tell me before but I had up a block thinking he did no wrong. So anyway he likes my parents and asked that my dad would accompany him to the store, he had to buy something that my dad has many of. And he runs his mouth always so he told my dad how he came into this large amount of money....that was like a month ago. The other night he tells me he is broke so he called the last person I think he should have ever called and asked for money. He works 5 days a week and earns a good living. So my question is how in the hell are you all of a sudden broke?? ACA that sends signals to my radar....LIAR LIAR LIAR ALERT. I don't get it....why to me at that. I can't help you so don't try to guilt me into feeling sorry for you. Parents said he could not keep his lies straight...too bad. Hope it all works out for you.

Ok, Boyfriend=Babies next................

The Drive

My sex drive no longer exists. It's pretty sad too because I used to be a nympho. I loved it. I won't fully blame you for the lost but you helped. I am too young for this. My mom says women don't have drives....she doesn't know me all too well. So anyway I have been back and forth on this topic for a long while now. A number of things could contribute to my lack of wanting to. Even you ACA have heard about it a time or two. Me always claiming I was stopping then I started again...that goes to my desire of wanting it just would have been better if it were from someone else.
Well it's finally done. No more for me for a long while. Tired of the crap that comes along with it.

He is so full of himself that he thinks its all about him. But it's not. You always tried to make me feel guilty for not wanting to open my legs. Told him probably two years ago when he was trying to screw that girl and me that I was not having it. Now he claims he gave all that up and I still tell him no. Go figure. It's not about you. I don't get a kick out of telling you no...usually I don't want to because I really be wanting it. I mean hell if everyone had predictable encounters then why would anyone do it. I could go into much detail on the subject but that would be wrong on my part and I'm sure y'all do not want to know all the crazy details. I'm sure if laying down with you was worth my time & effort then I would possibly continue.....possibly. hahahaha...........ok that was not nice.

Then it all comes down to my inner thoughts. Why did I engaged in sexual activity?? It gave me nothing. I am done doing for you. Doing what makes you happy and me a dissatisfied customer. Done allowing you to partake of my cookies...take it how you want. I told you before that I was not getting anything from it. My twin thinks I'm so harsh...she should hear the shit you fix your mouth to say to me. Ok so I went off on a tangent. Bottom line I don't want to be discussing this with my husband and realize I have been around the block too many times. Sex is to be shared between a husband and his wife so I am done sinning in that area.

Next post coming soon, Boyfriend=Babies

The Prelude

I have been wanting to write for some time now....have a few different posts to make.

First the drive...sex drive that is.

I spoke to a friend about how I love writing and he shared how I should open myself to a different kind of writing...similar to what he does. I write as a release, it has nothing to do with grabbing readers attention and going on and on and attempting to have a pen image. My blog is my journal....its online for all to see but hardly anyone knows it exists. I let it all out on here...no holding back. Forget what people will think, don't read it....makes me no difference.

Think I will share it with my new friend. He is so incredible. I thank God for my lessons learned.

Momma

Text to my momma 3/15/09 as I rode back to my twin's house after service.

Ya know I'm having moments of empowerment. Wanting to share my power with others by giving encouraging words. Then there are days of sarcasm when I try to be witty and say the first slick thing that comes to mind.

I need a balance.

With my transformed thinking I evaluate people a lot.

(Add in- And a lot of people are FULL OF SHIT!!)

I really want to be inspiring and encourging showing others that they too can experience life the way I do. *Add-in because it is grand!! And when I dealt with some........they were always DRAINING.

I want them to transform their thinking and not always be so negative.

And please give love to my babies (Referring to Dre and Tracee)

Continue to be the strong and powerful woman that I know you are. I am proud to be your daughter and am enternally grateful that God gave me such incredible parents to help me shape my existence. Although I don't always show it, I appreciate you and acknowledge you.

I'm So Vain

I bet you think this song is about you. Don't you, don't you. I do.

I think every song is about me.

Song this week is "Free" by Mya

I can't walk past a mirror without stopping to take a glimpe of myself.

I know I look good so it is not uncommon for heads to be turned once I enter a room.


I have the capacity to arouse on sight.

I'm conceited, I have a reason.

I don't think any of these things, I know.

I think this post had meaning at first thought....now after its been a couple weeks I do not know what to add.

I am keeping my time filled well these days....you are no longer a thought. It was fun. Peace

AH

I have came to the conclusion.....I am a bitch. But guess what I could careless. Heartless even at times.

It's not that I am unstable more like I have mood swings. Some without a actual cause too. Oh well life goes on. I am still happy and doing my own thing daily. I get so tired of men who think it is ok to do everything on their terms. Who died and made you King??? Uh no one.....that's what I thought.

I am still enjoying my spring break, have not done anything too exciting but chilled. Went to the mall the other day, my new friend joined me. I was on a hunt for an Easter fit :) Went home empty handed but I have an idea of what I want to buy. Trying to find something to match these shoes I brought last year. Haven't wore them....pity me. OKC wasn't too bad. Enjoyed hanging out with my friend and found the cutest princess dress for my Tracee!!

Received a random text last night....claims every crazy person needs someone to talk to.....uh well not you. If I remember correctly it goes "Quit talking to me" I did that....take your own advice.

I may make it to KC this evening...Crab Legs here I come!! It's been a minute and I have been craving them. I was telling my friend last night how I am enjoying work again. I feel important and know that the tasks I complete are significant. Such a great feeling.

Nothing new to share....will try not to let months go by again.

Later

Time Has Passed

It's been a while since I last shared myself. A lot has occurred since January. I got a promotion within my department. Extra money is always exciting especially during the present state of the economy. Ignorance is Bliss.

I still can not complain for God will always and does always provide.

Making some changes in my life, socially and intimately.

The Advanced Course is the first weekend of April. Wonder what new changes it will bring. I have already shyed away from some individuals. I am restructuring my friends and spending more time with more of them. One can not have all my time.....not sure if its appreciated and her attitude is repugnant. I can't take too much more of it on a regular basis. Like I told him...the two of them are draining and being around them for too long causes me to get in a funk. (Not Cool!)

I have been spending time with some real laid back people and I love it. Have known them forever of course but, they are good people and even better friends. I am happy and things are continuing to get better.


I finally called it quits with my ex. No going back on my word a week later either. I think he finally got it. Still said what he had to say........ but his trying to make me feel guilty did not work. Stood my ground and I am proud. I will always have for love him and he will forever be one of my good friends but I can't continue down this endless path. So I am officially unattached right.
Yea.
Then guess what happens.
Funny I am still laughing. A new person in town and I am showing him around :P Spring Break is coming up....I'm ready for a break. Nothing major planned.........going to OKC for the weekend to kick it. We'll just see what the new week brings.

Peace

Rampage

I am still presently on the "I hate the male species" kick!

I know there are worthless men everywhere but I personally think Topeka has the most. There was one that wasn't too bad....then he turned sour. Allowed a woman to have so much power that he caught a case. Hmmmm I know he has potential but a criminal record and me just don't mix well. Probably one of the best guys I "indulged" in as ACA would say........but you can't make yourself fall in love. Pity.

My saying goes back to elementary...now that's sad. It's me I know.....I attract those "no-good guys." Some around me have found the good ones. It's just not my time I keep saying...which it isn't because with my attitude I probably run off the decent ones. And that whole you attract what you are does not apply in this case. Sorry.

My friend asked just the other day if I talked to guys when I went out....I scoffed. Don't remember my exact wording but he got that I didn't bother with guys. I told him naw it's a waste of time. And I went as far as to say when guys do approach me I am instantly become irritated because they are wasting my time because I am usually not interested in them. Told him I didn't have time for guys. And I don't. It's time consuming and I'm not ready. When I try, other things in life fall by the way side. I know I know its my time management.

I could go on and on about this topic but it's just not all that important.

Shit is it 1 o'clock yet!!
Think I'm on it today.....need to change it up...Kendra will be here soon.

Wig Out

So my friend started sending me texts and I mean sorta regularly.....for him anyway. I almost told him how weird it was for me that he was sending messages saying hey and checking on me. Then the time came for him to ask his question; after that it all made sense so I didn't bother telling him about how I was about to wig out.

Pointless yes.

Meaningful. Definitely!

I Hav to GO!

Sooooo today is the 8th day of a new year, 2009....pretty good day. My twin will be in town in a matter of hours and I am excited!!

People have worked my last nerve as usual.

Made another conclusion upon today after search the public court access site.....I'm not marrying a Topekan.
Is that discrimination?
Who cares!
I don't :)

Topeka is not even that small of a city but everyone is known and if you have business everyone knows! It's sad really.....but I'm nosy that's why I know things that I know. Pity but it's a good thing. So anyway I'm not marrying a Topekan because I hate this place literally! As soon as it is possible I want to get far far away. Nothing really happened that made me declare this...I have wanted to leave since graduation. Now as I get older the urge increases. Sure I will miss a few individuals but they can come visit me. I don't even know where I wanna go but where ever it will not be the capital of Kansas.

So all this means I can't become serious with anyone rooted here because I gotta leave and if they don't want to it will only cause a quandary.

I mean there are small things I like: traffic is never heavy, I like that I can know everyone business, I like that places are not too far to drive but all the things I hate about this place out weights it all. Hell I don't even like my school...I'm here why?? I should have left when I had the chance then I could have been a true Detroiter.

So the question remains, is it December 2009 yet?