I NO longer want to be on the single market....guys are far too stupid. I am still content with being alone it just gets boring not having anyone to hang with. But even hanging out with someone of the opposite sex is overrated.
Why do guys think girls will let them fuck them within the first week of chilling together. I am not like those other chicks, sorry!
I am NOW convinced guys and girls can't be friends when a physical attraction exists. Well that is true. But WOMEN/LADIES and MEN can be friends!
I need to find me a man to be my friend cuz guys are stupid!
Friday, December 7, 2007
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Family Craziness
I have known all my existence that my family was not the Cosby's. We have never had a Family Reunion; can't all get along. My granny had seven children; Thomas (died as an infant), Robert, Delores (deceased), Thomasine, Patricia (Ann), Johnnie, and Janciette (Baby). I love my family but we are not close. My grandma had two sets of children; my mom and aunt baby are the second set. There is a eight year gap between my mom and auntie Ann. Anyway let's get this on the ball.
My mom graduates December 15th of this year from her Master's program. We are having a formal dinner to celebrate in her honor. My mom and aunt baby just started talking again at the end of October after a month of not speaking (on my behalf); thats another story. Anyway my aunt decided she was coming here for the graduation. She purchased a ticket for her and my cousin. I have been asking my granny to come as well. My grandma is 77, diabetic and spends all her days inside the house alone watching tv. I can't stand that. She is married but my step-granddad is a "junker," people's trash is his treasure. So he spends a lot of time out driving around.
I been asking granny for a few weeks to come. She hasn't been here since December 2003. She been putting off saying yes all this time. Finally, I called her Sunday. She said call her later and she would give me an answer. I love my granny to death. I am the favorite grandchild! She used to watch me all the time. We have a bond and I would do anything to get her to move here.
My grandma agreed. She would come to the graduation. I told my mom, we talked and decided to get her a ticket. Meanwhile (not to my knowledge) my mom and auntie baby had discussed that auntie baby did not want to be RESPONSIBLE for my granny and she didn't want her to come because she was not well to travel. This is what my mom told me, I was in disbelief. I called my aunt and she returned my call early Tuesday morning. In a sharp tone, DO NOT PUT MOMMA ON MY FLIGHT, I WILL NOT COME! Just pure selfishness. She says she is on vacation and doesn't wanna be responsible. My grandma is GROWN! If she is not well then why in the hell is everyone keeping it a damn secret. Then expect my mother and me to know whats going on 700+ miles away.
So my mom and me got my grandma a flight out a day early and my aunt Tommie is suppose to take her to the airport. A wheelchair was arranged. I told my granny and she was upset. I don't wanna go alone she says. I don't blame her, but her SELFISH daughter didn't want her to travel with her and my cousin. I couldn't tell my grandma that. So fine its set. This morning my aunt calls and she and my mom are fussing. It's 6:15am!
My aunt is going on and on how momma is not well and she needs someone with her and the airline will mistreat her and she needs to be treated as a child BUT remember her saying just a few days before, DO NOT PUT MOMMA ON MY FLIGHT, I DO NOT WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE. So they going back and forth. Then my aunt is like put momma on my flight. Another suggestion was get a one way ticket out there and then she takes original flight back because that was with them anyway. Oh and she has Finals so she doesn't have time to help momma get ready to come to Kansas. Wow.
Oh my grandma fell the other day and no one bothered to share that information with us. So yeah. My granny needs a break too......one from boredom!
The crazy thing....I got a text message from my cousin, my mom is not coming.
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?? WHAT THE HELL!
My mom ended up calling me before I finished this post. She was able to change my grandma flight (she is coming and leaving with my cousin). When my mom told her sister, she was relieved. CRAZY
She is the one that started the confusion. We would not have had to go thur this if she would have just said from the get go that momma could fly with them. No one knows if my aunt is coming or not. Who Knows. Will give an update in December. Later.
Thank You Lord for ALWAYS making a WAY!
My mom graduates December 15th of this year from her Master's program. We are having a formal dinner to celebrate in her honor. My mom and aunt baby just started talking again at the end of October after a month of not speaking (on my behalf); thats another story. Anyway my aunt decided she was coming here for the graduation. She purchased a ticket for her and my cousin. I have been asking my granny to come as well. My grandma is 77, diabetic and spends all her days inside the house alone watching tv. I can't stand that. She is married but my step-granddad is a "junker," people's trash is his treasure. So he spends a lot of time out driving around.
I been asking granny for a few weeks to come. She hasn't been here since December 2003. She been putting off saying yes all this time. Finally, I called her Sunday. She said call her later and she would give me an answer. I love my granny to death. I am the favorite grandchild! She used to watch me all the time. We have a bond and I would do anything to get her to move here.
My grandma agreed. She would come to the graduation. I told my mom, we talked and decided to get her a ticket. Meanwhile (not to my knowledge) my mom and auntie baby had discussed that auntie baby did not want to be RESPONSIBLE for my granny and she didn't want her to come because she was not well to travel. This is what my mom told me, I was in disbelief. I called my aunt and she returned my call early Tuesday morning. In a sharp tone, DO NOT PUT MOMMA ON MY FLIGHT, I WILL NOT COME! Just pure selfishness. She says she is on vacation and doesn't wanna be responsible. My grandma is GROWN! If she is not well then why in the hell is everyone keeping it a damn secret. Then expect my mother and me to know whats going on 700+ miles away.
So my mom and me got my grandma a flight out a day early and my aunt Tommie is suppose to take her to the airport. A wheelchair was arranged. I told my granny and she was upset. I don't wanna go alone she says. I don't blame her, but her SELFISH daughter didn't want her to travel with her and my cousin. I couldn't tell my grandma that. So fine its set. This morning my aunt calls and she and my mom are fussing. It's 6:15am!
My aunt is going on and on how momma is not well and she needs someone with her and the airline will mistreat her and she needs to be treated as a child BUT remember her saying just a few days before, DO NOT PUT MOMMA ON MY FLIGHT, I DO NOT WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE. So they going back and forth. Then my aunt is like put momma on my flight. Another suggestion was get a one way ticket out there and then she takes original flight back because that was with them anyway. Oh and she has Finals so she doesn't have time to help momma get ready to come to Kansas. Wow.
Oh my grandma fell the other day and no one bothered to share that information with us. So yeah. My granny needs a break too......one from boredom!
The crazy thing....I got a text message from my cousin, my mom is not coming.
ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?? WHAT THE HELL!
My mom ended up calling me before I finished this post. She was able to change my grandma flight (she is coming and leaving with my cousin). When my mom told her sister, she was relieved. CRAZY
She is the one that started the confusion. We would not have had to go thur this if she would have just said from the get go that momma could fly with them. No one knows if my aunt is coming or not. Who Knows. Will give an update in December. Later.
Thank You Lord for ALWAYS making a WAY!
Eye Candy
I seen my eye candy again last week.
Dang is all I could say. He was TOO YOUNG for I was 19 then.
Anyway hopefully on next visit I will get my nerve up enough to introduce myself. By the time he returns, he will be legal. Kinda a crazy situation anyway considering his little cousin Tracee is my most beloved god sister. :)
Don't know what I was thinking.....Joan is in her early 30's so of course her sisters are not that old, at least not my mom's age.
Brandon and I once again caught each others eye. I was in speaking distance but being the shy person that I am......I didn't. It was Sunday, after church and I was in the aisle holding Tracee when I looked over and noticed him. Instantly remember that was the face I seen three years ago.
"I'm part of the family now."
There is no way I can get to know him on any other level.
Anyway that's all about that.
Next....My Crazy Family.
Monday, November 12, 2007
Settle Down? HA
Oh no...It’s happening. I am coming to a point where I do not want to deal with a relationship.
He has done it......made me like him.
I have developed a short span and tolerance for bullshit when it pertains to guys, which isn't a bad thing. :)
I have been talking and texting a few different guys over the last couple months. I haven't talked too serious with any of them because like you said, its best to close one door before opening another. The previous door is still ajar.
I am at the point where I do not want to be in a relationship because then I can't be SINGLE and talk to anyone I want. I love being single but when I see couples I wish I shared that "togetherness" with someone. Its crazy I know, but I am straddling the fence on this.
I used to jump through hoops to please men and do as they wanted. Not anymore.....it’s a good thing. Now I just play around. Sometimes they end up hurt. All the while I get easily frustrated with them. I keep them around for the conversation. I don't like the feeling of not being wanted so when many guys show interest in me, it make me feel good, is that bad? Guess I do have suitors Mr. Anderson.....but none of them are worth a toot. Which is why I say I don't have any.
Put it this way... I ain't gon beg you to love me
I ain't gon beg you to hold me
I ain't gon beg you to pick me up and take me out.
I ain't gon beg you to wife me.
Why should I have to, if somebody else will.
Little side note, ha.
I maybe leading "some" on...and I know that’s not right. I try not to because I do like "some" of them a little. That doesn't make it right and it surely doesn't mean I will do anything to keep them around, cuz my love is like WHOA. When they piss me off, I don't go out my way to communicate anymore. I let time pass then it is them who contact me. Oh I like that.
That's all for now. Peace & Love
Tuesday, November 6, 2007
Water Contamination
Is it in the water, do you take a drink and it instantly happens?
I thought I was exaggerating when I said ALL OF MY FRIENDS HAD BABIES.......I wasn't.
I received a text message last night, "Are you ready to be a Godmother?" Are you serious....I had to make a call asap this morning. I can not believe it.
Just Sunday Pastor mentioned during service how it must be in the water because we have a lot of babies in our church. He also said it was a good thing because it meant our church was alive; with all those small children.
Man, oh man. I must be missing something. Ha NO I'M NOT. I am good on not having any babies. I need to work on myself before I bring another life into the world. As I previously stated. Once I have graduated from college, gotten married, established a career, and am financially stable then I will have children. Not a MOMENT sooner.
I have enough babies in my mist to have a baby for years to come. About 40 people that I graduated from high school with has a child, some have two or three. Those are the ones I know about. Its probably close to 100 :)
I graduated in 2003 with a class of about 197 maybe. Its only 2007, almost 2008. Just think who will have a child by 2010. I have already been shocked when finding out some of the girls that had a baby. Man man man. What is the world coming to, wait until married been thrown out the window. It's a New century alright. I'm independent and a single mother of three. Whew.
Ok. I'm done.
Wait, something to add.
The way its going my children will be conceived in a new decade, ha. Oh well, I know one thing for sure. They will want for nothing because they momma gonna have it together and be on her "p's & q's!" Thanks!
And I'm out!
I thought I was exaggerating when I said ALL OF MY FRIENDS HAD BABIES.......I wasn't.
I received a text message last night, "Are you ready to be a Godmother?" Are you serious....I had to make a call asap this morning. I can not believe it.
Just Sunday Pastor mentioned during service how it must be in the water because we have a lot of babies in our church. He also said it was a good thing because it meant our church was alive; with all those small children.
Man, oh man. I must be missing something. Ha NO I'M NOT. I am good on not having any babies. I need to work on myself before I bring another life into the world. As I previously stated. Once I have graduated from college, gotten married, established a career, and am financially stable then I will have children. Not a MOMENT sooner.
I have enough babies in my mist to have a baby for years to come. About 40 people that I graduated from high school with has a child, some have two or three. Those are the ones I know about. Its probably close to 100 :)
I graduated in 2003 with a class of about 197 maybe. Its only 2007, almost 2008. Just think who will have a child by 2010. I have already been shocked when finding out some of the girls that had a baby. Man man man. What is the world coming to, wait until married been thrown out the window. It's a New century alright. I'm independent and a single mother of three. Whew.
Ok. I'm done.
Wait, something to add.
The way its going my children will be conceived in a new decade, ha. Oh well, I know one thing for sure. They will want for nothing because they momma gonna have it together and be on her "p's & q's!" Thanks!
And I'm out!
Thursday, November 1, 2007
You won't believe it!
GUESS WHAT Carlos!!! hahaha
You will never guess who is starting to like me again. Its kinda funny to me but I almost feel bad for him because I haven't got the slightest bit of interest in him. In fact he almost grosses me out. That could be good. It can aid me in refraining from liking him as well. Oh it's Marcus. He is trying not to come out and say it because he knows I don't feel the same way. Now its almost awkward because we just started talking again (since he hated me and all) and I been telling him about the deal with my ex and how he drives me crazy weekly. Just like a friend he (Marcus) would just listen and try to provide insight. I can't talk to him about guys if I know he likes me.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO??
You will never guess who is starting to like me again. Its kinda funny to me but I almost feel bad for him because I haven't got the slightest bit of interest in him. In fact he almost grosses me out. That could be good. It can aid me in refraining from liking him as well. Oh it's Marcus. He is trying not to come out and say it because he knows I don't feel the same way. Now its almost awkward because we just started talking again (since he hated me and all) and I been telling him about the deal with my ex and how he drives me crazy weekly. Just like a friend he (Marcus) would just listen and try to provide insight. I can't talk to him about guys if I know he likes me.
WHAT AM I GONNA DO??
Saturday, October 20, 2007
I Ain't Like Those Other Girls
I am NOTHING like those other girls. I strive to be different from everyone else. If you looking for a ghetto, lip smacking, colored weave wearing, full of drama having chick then you need to look elsewhere because she is not here. I am a strong, education Christian young lady. Lady, did y'all hear me!!
I don't smoke anything nor do I associate with people who do. I am a conservative young lady who is sassy but classy. I do know how to have a good time. I have been perceived as a snob, which isn't the case; I am pretty shy around new people. You won't find me in the club getting grinded up on the wall (I am not 18 anymore!) I have respect for myself and I demand that others treat me with that same respect.
I do not attempt to be something I am not. I love listening and singing slow jams. If my radio is bumping when I'm riding up the street, its either gospel or slow jams! Hip hop and rap are becoming but I prefer something I can sing along with. I am not a sell out, I just know what I like. I love my heritage and culture but I do not have to prove that by the clothes I wear, again I say, I am conservative.
I'm not an easy cut as a guy would say. Thanks Nate. It was once said if your just looking for an easy cut then you better off going somewhere else because she ain't like that. She's real cool but not an easy hit, a direct quote from this guy I know. There you have it folks, I'm nothing like those other girls.
I have been known to play "hard" over the last six months. Nothing personal, I'm just out for the best interest of my heart and having it broken again is not an option. I do not like to argue and fuss....I know disagreements will occur but its best to work them out with calm mature conversation. After all, we are all adults here.
I do my best to be considerate of others feelings, but I am not perfect. I won't know if something I have said or done bothers you until you tell me. I try my best to reciprocate the same to others. I speak my mind and feelings on most occasions.
I do not physically share myself with many people nor do I expect them to be sleeping around on me. I may be addicted after all, who knows. I do NOT get down that way, STD's AND HIV are real and I do not want any of them.
I love to smile, you usually won't see me walking around with a "mean mug" unless I am deep in thought or something/someone has wronged me. I try not to hold grudges, I rather work it all out so there aren't any negative feelings between the two parties. I'm just a happy person, most days. :)
I don't care what people think about me because they can't make me or break me and MOST TIMES THEY ARE JUST HATERS ANYWAY. I know I have a grip of them just based off who I am; A child of the MOST HIGH GOD, beautiful, intelligent and a rare commodity, HA especially in Topeka.
I don't smoke anything nor do I associate with people who do. I am a conservative young lady who is sassy but classy. I do know how to have a good time. I have been perceived as a snob, which isn't the case; I am pretty shy around new people. You won't find me in the club getting grinded up on the wall (I am not 18 anymore!) I have respect for myself and I demand that others treat me with that same respect.
I do not attempt to be something I am not. I love listening and singing slow jams. If my radio is bumping when I'm riding up the street, its either gospel or slow jams! Hip hop and rap are becoming but I prefer something I can sing along with. I am not a sell out, I just know what I like. I love my heritage and culture but I do not have to prove that by the clothes I wear, again I say, I am conservative.
I'm not an easy cut as a guy would say. Thanks Nate. It was once said if your just looking for an easy cut then you better off going somewhere else because she ain't like that. She's real cool but not an easy hit, a direct quote from this guy I know. There you have it folks, I'm nothing like those other girls.
I have been known to play "hard" over the last six months. Nothing personal, I'm just out for the best interest of my heart and having it broken again is not an option. I do not like to argue and fuss....I know disagreements will occur but its best to work them out with calm mature conversation. After all, we are all adults here.
I do my best to be considerate of others feelings, but I am not perfect. I won't know if something I have said or done bothers you until you tell me. I try my best to reciprocate the same to others. I speak my mind and feelings on most occasions.
I do not physically share myself with many people nor do I expect them to be sleeping around on me. I may be addicted after all, who knows. I do NOT get down that way, STD's AND HIV are real and I do not want any of them.
I love to smile, you usually won't see me walking around with a "mean mug" unless I am deep in thought or something/someone has wronged me. I try not to hold grudges, I rather work it all out so there aren't any negative feelings between the two parties. I'm just a happy person, most days. :)
I don't care what people think about me because they can't make me or break me and MOST TIMES THEY ARE JUST HATERS ANYWAY. I know I have a grip of them just based off who I am; A child of the MOST HIGH GOD, beautiful, intelligent and a rare commodity, HA especially in Topeka.
So either take me as I am, or be gone.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Just One of Those Days
ITs WedNEsDay, should have been MOnDAy the way my day has gone thus far.
I got up early today because I had to get my 3rd Gardasil shot (to prevent cervical cancer) the shot hurt like heck and the nurse had blood everywhere! She did not wear gloves, it was all good for me. She wiped my arm, put a band-aid on me and sent me on my way.
I decided to save money so I went home to prepare breakfast because I was starved. I did not eat much the day before. After a well-prepared meal I laid down in the bed! Slept for about another hour or so............I could not get up for anything!
When I laid down, the sky was dark and it was pouring rain outside. I finally got up because I had a couple assignments to complete before I had to be at work at noon. I got my assignment done just in time to get dress and head out the door.
I decided I would grab some fries, shake, and drink from McDonald's (its Monopoly time!) I was also gonna stop by Dillon's and get some fruit. I got to the second window at Micky D's and the guy handed me a drink holder with the bag on top (bad move) I grabbed it and asked for barbecue sauce in the process my fries SPILLED all over the front seat, so much for that. I ate what was left knowing I would still remain hungry. I stopped my Dillon's, no good fruit, decided to make a salad, (good move) IT WAS GOOD!
Once I arrived to work, I thought to myself how am I gonna carry all this crap in?!?!? I proceeded to exit the car.....doing ok so far. I sat my shake in the seat and it fell over! Milkshake over on the seat now. Grabbed some napkins, cleaned it up. Tried again, stupid cup kept falling! I kept thinking I need to just go back home and get back in the bed and try again tomorrow! I sure hope the day gets better from here. Its only 12:30 p.m. man!
After work I have to hurry to WU and finish correcting my exam before class at 5:30 p.m. LORD I need you! I pray it all works all. This evening is dedicated to cleaning my room, preparing for tomorrow and eating a meal! I have to. Until we meet again. Later.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Someone New
I'm back. Here is something else for you to read. Please leave a comment this time around.
There's this guy, no big surprise there. I met him some years ago; maybe two. I had him in class at WU. He was starting new as a freshman. I believe he had been in the army or something like that. Too long ago, I don't remember. Anyway he is a few years old than me and I knew then in 2005 he was interested.
At that time and ever since then I have been with someone. Well up until now at least. I don't even know if I am interested in him. He wants to date me. He has finally "got the nerve" to talk to me. I gave him my number like last year and he has never called.
I see him here and there around school and more recently at a club since I don't be on campus like that. Last weekend I seen him at the banquet I went to; I laughed about it because I had not seen him in a while. So I sent him a message to let him know I was there. At the end, he literally broke his neck to get to where I was so he could speak and he asked for a hug. I was being nice, so I gave him one. My mom and her friend was like, "who is that?!?!" My mom friend, Irene (you gotta love her) is a 67 year old woman and sharp as a nail. Sweet as she wanna be was like who was that, he is CUTE! I'm like wow. My mom and I both noticed how he broke his neck getting to where we were.
When I used to see him on campus I would try to sneak past without being noticed but he usually seen me and he always said something real nice, giving me a compliment. He used to come into the library where I worked on campus, my boss thought he was my boyfriend. I was like no, just a friend. Was happy when he stopped coming by; don't like all the attention.
He seems like a decent guy so I will give him a chance. I've never dated anyone before may as well see what its like to be dated. No harm in that right?
There's this guy, no big surprise there. I met him some years ago; maybe two. I had him in class at WU. He was starting new as a freshman. I believe he had been in the army or something like that. Too long ago, I don't remember. Anyway he is a few years old than me and I knew then in 2005 he was interested.
At that time and ever since then I have been with someone. Well up until now at least. I don't even know if I am interested in him. He wants to date me. He has finally "got the nerve" to talk to me. I gave him my number like last year and he has never called.
I see him here and there around school and more recently at a club since I don't be on campus like that. Last weekend I seen him at the banquet I went to; I laughed about it because I had not seen him in a while. So I sent him a message to let him know I was there. At the end, he literally broke his neck to get to where I was so he could speak and he asked for a hug. I was being nice, so I gave him one. My mom and her friend was like, "who is that?!?!" My mom friend, Irene (you gotta love her) is a 67 year old woman and sharp as a nail. Sweet as she wanna be was like who was that, he is CUTE! I'm like wow. My mom and I both noticed how he broke his neck getting to where we were.
When I used to see him on campus I would try to sneak past without being noticed but he usually seen me and he always said something real nice, giving me a compliment. He used to come into the library where I worked on campus, my boss thought he was my boyfriend. I was like no, just a friend. Was happy when he stopped coming by; don't like all the attention.
He seems like a decent guy so I will give him a chance. I've never dated anyone before may as well see what its like to be dated. No harm in that right?
Tuesday, October 9, 2007
A Family
I have came to a final decision that I do want to have children; NOT NOW but in the near future. Like five to seven years all depending on my career, financial stability and whether or not I am married by then. Hopefully I will at least have a potential husband by 27. But there is no rush, all in God's time.
I wasn't so sure before but now I know. I want at least three children, its doesn't matter their sex, but LOL I do want a girl!! When I was a young girl I remember telling everyone I wanted eight children, not sure where I came up with that number but it stayed like that for years. Well until I got older and realized how babies were delivered and the pain a woman must endure. But even without the personal experience I believe the blessing of having a baby far outweigh the 4-24 hours of labor.
For the last few years I have wanted to experience carrying a baby, all the changes that come with it. Watching my body change as my own child grows inside of me. I only wanted to experience that, none of the morning sickness, and definitely not the baby birth....or afterbirth for that matter. :0)
I have heard too many horror stories...I wish someone would say some of the pleasant things associated with baring children. I know something has to be good about it because so many people out there have at least two or three children.
That's all for now. Later
I wasn't so sure before but now I know. I want at least three children, its doesn't matter their sex, but LOL I do want a girl!! When I was a young girl I remember telling everyone I wanted eight children, not sure where I came up with that number but it stayed like that for years. Well until I got older and realized how babies were delivered and the pain a woman must endure. But even without the personal experience I believe the blessing of having a baby far outweigh the 4-24 hours of labor.
For the last few years I have wanted to experience carrying a baby, all the changes that come with it. Watching my body change as my own child grows inside of me. I only wanted to experience that, none of the morning sickness, and definitely not the baby birth....or afterbirth for that matter. :0)
I have heard too many horror stories...I wish someone would say some of the pleasant things associated with baring children. I know something has to be good about it because so many people out there have at least two or three children.
That's all for now. Later
Friday, October 5, 2007
Strawberry Letter
I am starting to think my life is like a Strawberry Letter straight off the Steve Harvey Morning Show; let me explain.
There are three men in my life that have triggered my sincere interest. That's a major step for anyone to overcome because yes I am beautiful and guys notice me but that doesn't mean I will like you. People have tried and I have played them all the same. I play nice for a while then I just quit acting interested. So back to these three men. Not so sure if they even know who they are, but maybe because I throw hints best I can.
One I love and think I want to spend my life with, but hell I'm only 22. Only God knows what my future holds. Besides there is a long list of reasons of why we can't be together just yet. Hell he doesn't even want to be with anyone. As his friend, I'm gonna be there for him regardless because through it all, my heart was not broken. I forgot to mention, he may not even be right for me. That is something I am not sure of. If I listen to everyone else then I won't ever find out cuz people give him such a hardtime.
Then there is my guy whose life is full of EVERY SIGNAL telling me to let it alone, yea that's my country coming out.
But I still talk to him. He is my friend too so what type of person would that make me to not be a good friend? Huh?
But he has too much going on. I got my own issues. He has two children, same woman but she is a crazy white chick who needs to get her shit TOGETHER.
They live under the same roof so he and I will never attempt anything until that mess changes. He says its so he can see his children, which I completely understand regardless of the fact that I don't have any nor that drama. Since the white chick is crazy if he tries to go anywhere she will not let him see the kids and that will hurt him.
(its all crazy I know, that why I said it sounds like a Strawberry Letter.)
There are three men in my life that have triggered my sincere interest. That's a major step for anyone to overcome because yes I am beautiful and guys notice me but that doesn't mean I will like you. People have tried and I have played them all the same. I play nice for a while then I just quit acting interested. So back to these three men. Not so sure if they even know who they are, but maybe because I throw hints best I can.
One I love and think I want to spend my life with, but hell I'm only 22. Only God knows what my future holds. Besides there is a long list of reasons of why we can't be together just yet. Hell he doesn't even want to be with anyone. As his friend, I'm gonna be there for him regardless because through it all, my heart was not broken. I forgot to mention, he may not even be right for me. That is something I am not sure of. If I listen to everyone else then I won't ever find out cuz people give him such a hardtime.
Then there is my guy whose life is full of EVERY SIGNAL telling me to let it alone, yea that's my country coming out.
But I still talk to him. He is my friend too so what type of person would that make me to not be a good friend? Huh?
But he has too much going on. I got my own issues. He has two children, same woman but she is a crazy white chick who needs to get her shit TOGETHER.
They live under the same roof so he and I will never attempt anything until that mess changes. He says its so he can see his children, which I completely understand regardless of the fact that I don't have any nor that drama. Since the white chick is crazy if he tries to go anywhere she will not let him see the kids and that will hurt him.
(its all crazy I know, that why I said it sounds like a Strawberry Letter.)
So to be a good dad, he stays and not really puts up with her cuz they are on different schedules but he sees his girls daily. I mentioned visitation, he didn't really like that but maybe once chick gets on her feet he can move out. God sure hope he does, he will never be happy if he stays.
Then there is the last guy. The one I can't have, can't see, can't touch. The one I barely know but every encounter makes me want him more. He is the one I wished lived up the street from me. He is the one I think about everyday. But we live different lives and its doesn't look good from this angle.
We may not even ever date. That makes me sad. :(
Only time will tell. Like I told him, I am willing to wait patiently until its our time. Just hope I don't go and mess it all up along the way.
That's my Strawberry Letter.
Then there is the last guy. The one I can't have, can't see, can't touch. The one I barely know but every encounter makes me want him more. He is the one I wished lived up the street from me. He is the one I think about everyday. But we live different lives and its doesn't look good from this angle.
We may not even ever date. That makes me sad. :(
Only time will tell. Like I told him, I am willing to wait patiently until its our time. Just hope I don't go and mess it all up along the way.
That's my Strawberry Letter.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Eureka!
I've figured it out!
Its not that a want a special someone in my life its the fact that I lack a companion.
I don't have a friend that I can call my real friend. I don't have that one person I can call up and vent to. I was on this road the other night, my friend told me to pray and forget about individuals.
Which is all gravy but ....there has to be a but in my world. But, I don't have anyone to share meals with, shop with, watch movies with. I get lonely doing these things alone!
I can't wait for my god sister to get a little bigger, we are gonna be ALL OVER TOWN. I have a "little" from Big Brothers/Big Sisters but I don't call her up like I should. My days are long and she never calls me, that's discouraging. I need to do better and be there for her but she has a busy schedule as well. She is much involved in cheer leading and dance. Pretty little girl just needs someone positive in her life, as we all do.
Anyway I gonna solicit my mom. Tell her we need a day together again and no buts about it, we have to keep our plans! Life is short and a lot of people I know have lost their mothers, three of my close friends in fact. I am fortunate and I need to be grateful for the small things and stop letting the DEVIL steal my JOY!
Its not that a want a special someone in my life its the fact that I lack a companion.
I don't have a friend that I can call my real friend. I don't have that one person I can call up and vent to. I was on this road the other night, my friend told me to pray and forget about individuals.
Which is all gravy but ....there has to be a but in my world. But, I don't have anyone to share meals with, shop with, watch movies with. I get lonely doing these things alone!
I can't wait for my god sister to get a little bigger, we are gonna be ALL OVER TOWN. I have a "little" from Big Brothers/Big Sisters but I don't call her up like I should. My days are long and she never calls me, that's discouraging. I need to do better and be there for her but she has a busy schedule as well. She is much involved in cheer leading and dance. Pretty little girl just needs someone positive in her life, as we all do.
Anyway I gonna solicit my mom. Tell her we need a day together again and no buts about it, we have to keep our plans! Life is short and a lot of people I know have lost their mothers, three of my close friends in fact. I am fortunate and I need to be grateful for the small things and stop letting the DEVIL steal my JOY!
I'm Not Ready
It is time that I face the reality that I am not ready to let go.
My pride is strong and because of that I have been trying to let go of my past and move on. In reality I am not ready. Maybe in my mind I think it is time but my heart says "not today, Fred". My parents have told me, let it go and move on. Even some of my friends have said the same based off shared conversation. But in actuality, I am not ready to open myself to love again. My heart is not broken but torn.
My pride has led me to believe I could let go and start something new/different. Last time I tried I end up regretting every single move that I made, I don't want to do that again. That's why it's best when I say I want to remain single. Everyone is safe that way, no hurt feelings or broken hearts.
Monday, September 17, 2007
Fuck You, Good Bye.
I am still laughing inside about this one!
5 months have gone by......He wanted to remain friends. Why I ask. I don't have decent friendships with ex-boyfriends hardly ever, why does he think he is different. This friendship thing lasted all of a few months and I told him we can't do this any longer. No communication/ No hanging out. Who makes the first move, him of course. Showed me who needs who, because I know I don't need him. Anyway.
Why does he send me his cell number once he gets a phone and inform me that he has unlimited text messaging. I thought I said no communication!
Mistake One: Helped him clean out his apartment.
Mistake Two: Answered messages sent.
Ok so this past week has been a crazy one. Random messages sent between the two. I told you about one from Friday night. The whole sorry "I know I take you for granted." Anyway Sunday rolls around. Back-up Saturday night. I get a text about one something, I want to see you. Ha I'm in bed sorry.
Sunday afternoon. Now Sunday morning was rough for me. I was having a melt-down for some reason. Upset about everything and none of which was that big of an issue. So when I received Sundays texts I had had ENOUGH! From him and every other male in Topeka. I decided to get off-line (myspace and facebook) and change my cell number so worthless people could no longer reach me. Now its Monday and I'm thinking. WHY should I change me for them? I have had my number for six plus years. Fuck them, don't answer or text back!
(I still may change it, have not decided)
Sunday messages were very random, they were relationship scenarios a lot like the relationship we had so I was clueless. He didn't like my responses so I told him, stop sending me messages that have no point.
Monday morning, I just started studying.
Can you do me a huge favor, and print some shit off Internet for him. Second message, do you think I can see you today. I'm thinking hmmm. I dunno. So I respond sure, you can come by. Meaning I'm not driving way over to you and I have to work in two hours. Old Brandi would, not new one! Besides I was busy.
He didn't respond. So I asked a very direct question. He hates these for some reason. Asked him if he seen me, would he try something. Oooh he didn't like that. So he calls. No, that was not his intent, he really just wanted to see me. Fine, whatever. Now he is upset. That's why I don't like having these convo with you, he says. (Hint) Stop calling me then.
We get off the phone I write like 5 messages back telling him don't send random messages without knowing I am going to ask you what in the heck are you talking about and since I can't read your mind, I ask questions! Deal with it.
Conversation gets interesting. Guess its fair since I broke your heart, now your breaking mine. Wow just wow. So I was straight up, told him he never broke my heart but if I broke his with all this bs we have been through, then I apologize. He writes Fuck you, Good Bye. That's priceless. My only thought is he was mad because he didn't break my heart. What a loser!
Now this is more like it, I usually have bad reps with it comes to guys I am done with. They never like me in the end. I earn my title. Haven't been called out my name in a while though, so its all good.
Its Tuesday, almost done with post. Tired of losing priceless friendships because out of temptation and attraction it is taken to a new level. I want my friend back but I don't think its going to work out that way.
I am learning to deal with the fact that I may never have you because the sacrifice is far too great. I treasure friendship and I do not want to risk losing yours if "us" doesn't pan out.
5 months have gone by......He wanted to remain friends. Why I ask. I don't have decent friendships with ex-boyfriends hardly ever, why does he think he is different. This friendship thing lasted all of a few months and I told him we can't do this any longer. No communication/ No hanging out. Who makes the first move, him of course. Showed me who needs who, because I know I don't need him. Anyway.
Why does he send me his cell number once he gets a phone and inform me that he has unlimited text messaging. I thought I said no communication!
Mistake One: Helped him clean out his apartment.
Mistake Two: Answered messages sent.
Ok so this past week has been a crazy one. Random messages sent between the two. I told you about one from Friday night. The whole sorry "I know I take you for granted." Anyway Sunday rolls around. Back-up Saturday night. I get a text about one something, I want to see you. Ha I'm in bed sorry.
Sunday afternoon. Now Sunday morning was rough for me. I was having a melt-down for some reason. Upset about everything and none of which was that big of an issue. So when I received Sundays texts I had had ENOUGH! From him and every other male in Topeka. I decided to get off-line (myspace and facebook) and change my cell number so worthless people could no longer reach me. Now its Monday and I'm thinking. WHY should I change me for them? I have had my number for six plus years. Fuck them, don't answer or text back!
(I still may change it, have not decided)
Sunday messages were very random, they were relationship scenarios a lot like the relationship we had so I was clueless. He didn't like my responses so I told him, stop sending me messages that have no point.
Monday morning, I just started studying.
Can you do me a huge favor, and print some shit off Internet for him. Second message, do you think I can see you today. I'm thinking hmmm. I dunno. So I respond sure, you can come by. Meaning I'm not driving way over to you and I have to work in two hours. Old Brandi would, not new one! Besides I was busy.
He didn't respond. So I asked a very direct question. He hates these for some reason. Asked him if he seen me, would he try something. Oooh he didn't like that. So he calls. No, that was not his intent, he really just wanted to see me. Fine, whatever. Now he is upset. That's why I don't like having these convo with you, he says. (Hint) Stop calling me then.
We get off the phone I write like 5 messages back telling him don't send random messages without knowing I am going to ask you what in the heck are you talking about and since I can't read your mind, I ask questions! Deal with it.
Conversation gets interesting. Guess its fair since I broke your heart, now your breaking mine. Wow just wow. So I was straight up, told him he never broke my heart but if I broke his with all this bs we have been through, then I apologize. He writes Fuck you, Good Bye. That's priceless. My only thought is he was mad because he didn't break my heart. What a loser!
Now this is more like it, I usually have bad reps with it comes to guys I am done with. They never like me in the end. I earn my title. Haven't been called out my name in a while though, so its all good.
Its Tuesday, almost done with post. Tired of losing priceless friendships because out of temptation and attraction it is taken to a new level. I want my friend back but I don't think its going to work out that way.
I am learning to deal with the fact that I may never have you because the sacrifice is far too great. I treasure friendship and I do not want to risk losing yours if "us" doesn't pan out.
Thanks For Listening.
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Lights ON
I have a major fear.
Its not one of those normal fears for a woman my age.
This is a fear that most children have/use to remain sleeping with their parents.
Its not one of those normal fears for a woman my age.
This is a fear that most children have/use to remain sleeping with their parents.
I HAVE A FEAR OF DARKNESS!
This is not normal at my age. I am 22 years old and I have a difficult time falling to sleep in complete darkness unless someone is next to me. A few other scenarios would allow me to fall asleep regardless of lighting in room
a) I am extremely exhausted
b) extremely tired from a night of partying
c) trying to be "a big girl" when staying at someone else's home
If none of the above is the present scenario then I set my tv timer and fall asleep to the light of the television. Reason I am writing this post, lately I have been good about just turning off the tv and going to sleep but........I came across a problem.
I get up at least once a night to go to the bathroom. Now when I get up, the house is completely dark and quiet. I even have the luxury of having a bathroom adjacent to my bedroom. Its two steps from my bed. The light is behind the bathroom door which causes an issue. While trying to push myself to get out the bed I don't have the time to try to find the tv remote and turn the tv on so I have to get to the light switch quick. Once I handle my business going back to bed in complete darkness SCARES the mess out of me. I refuse to!
The other night I found myself trying figure out a way to just go back to sleep without having to turn the tv on because I was still so tired, no luck. I decided to grab my night light from the bathroom and plug it next to my bed....bad idea. The light interrupted my sleep (I think) I didn't sleep well that night. I think for next time I will keep the night light in the bathroom and turned on just in case I have to use the bathroom again.
I have another fear associated with darkness. I think something is lurking and that scares me. I close all closet, bedroom and bathroom doors. Which isn't so smart to close bathroom door because moving about in the dark finding the bathroom is tough sometimes, ha. I think I will just put that light back in the bathroom and leave that door open long as the other door to the bathroom is shut!
I hope this solves my problem for the time being. I really need to get over this fear. Its growing old. I remember when in middle school and I would stay over at friends they knew to have some sort of light source for me. That's sad.
Any advice for me?
Out of Towner
The next guy I set my eye on will be from some other place other than this miserable place they call "Top-City." I am tired, sick and tired of talking to someone that everyone else has already had. A young one-hit wonder said it best, "Why can't my nigga be my own lil somethin'? and every girl on my block can't say they don' bumped wit? "
If that ain't bad enough then they know someone you've been with and have the audacity to ask the other person, what type of person you are because they're too ignorant to ask for themselves. I get tired of guys quick. Not quick enough to change sides though. Its quite sad since I have so much more to learn about life and I'm sure I will gain more experience in the dating game, but I don't know about dating another local.
It's possible that I'm over-reacting, think I have a habit of doing that. Ha. Problem though, I asked a friend had he had any other sexual encounters to keep myself safe as well. After hesitating, he said yea. Then when I called the girl by name, of course he was shocked. My response was normal, "hmmm," I said aloud. Now he interested, wanna know how I know, why I say it like that, what do I know about her and so on and so forth.
I don't know much about the girl but I know another friend of mine used to talk to her, not sure what that entailed but you can only imagine. Maybe it bothered me because she like two years younger than me and you know I'm young. This only means another one of my friends was right. Maybe dude is something like a pedophile. He does like young girls its no doubt about it. He should have been in jail for the 15 year old when he was 23 but maybe he waited until she was 16 to engage in sexual activity. Who Knows!
Anyway glad that's over. Glad its out too. Sigh of relief. Its been fun, I'm out!
If that ain't bad enough then they know someone you've been with and have the audacity to ask the other person, what type of person you are because they're too ignorant to ask for themselves. I get tired of guys quick. Not quick enough to change sides though. Its quite sad since I have so much more to learn about life and I'm sure I will gain more experience in the dating game, but I don't know about dating another local.
It's possible that I'm over-reacting, think I have a habit of doing that. Ha. Problem though, I asked a friend had he had any other sexual encounters to keep myself safe as well. After hesitating, he said yea. Then when I called the girl by name, of course he was shocked. My response was normal, "hmmm," I said aloud. Now he interested, wanna know how I know, why I say it like that, what do I know about her and so on and so forth.
I don't know much about the girl but I know another friend of mine used to talk to her, not sure what that entailed but you can only imagine. Maybe it bothered me because she like two years younger than me and you know I'm young. This only means another one of my friends was right. Maybe dude is something like a pedophile. He does like young girls its no doubt about it. He should have been in jail for the 15 year old when he was 23 but maybe he waited until she was 16 to engage in sexual activity. Who Knows!
Anyway glad that's over. Glad its out too. Sigh of relief. Its been fun, I'm out!
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)