"Today is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad about it!"
My Mother, my mom, my momma, my number one, my moo-ma, my ace boom, my ride or die, my friend! I love my momma, and she loves me. I know quite often people do not understand or grasp us or our relationship. We are close, bottom line.
My mom got pregnant in her Senior year of college, her relationship was on the rocks with my father and the life she thought that going to occur was quickly drifting further away. My mom graduated Dec 1986 from college with a Bachelors and a career set to begin as a manager in training for a major retailer.
I remember so much about my childhood, mostly good things. I remember how my mom was always working and she had the worst schedule, one of her off days was Tuesday. I was enrolled at a school that was different than most, it allowed me to tap into a creative side. It was not structured like traditional schools with desks and homework. We did not receive letter grades. It was cool, we put on school productions for holidays and end of the school year.
I was raised by a single mother, we struggled and I never witnessed it. My granny played a major role in my life. I caught the school bus to and from school from my granny's house with my mom's work hours. Reason for our closeness, it has nothing to do with tragic life experiences or severe trauma, but simply..... My mom raised me in love, everyday we kissed and told each other we loved each other. And when you love someone, you want to be around them. We spent as much time as we could together, I liked being under her anytime I could since our time was sparse. I slept with my mom at night like most children, I had a nice room with brand new everything and hardly slept in that bed :)
I remember always being soooo excited to see her and couldn't wait for my mom to come pick me up. I knew my mom would have given me the world if she could. I didn't wear brand name clothes (couldn't afford it), but my clothes were always clean, pressed, and my hair was styled. My mom put forth effort in making sure her child was a good representation of her. She taught me respect and obedience to all my elders. I was a jewel to have around.
I was not raised in the church until later, we did not attend worship services. I went with my God mom on occasions and mom and I would go Easter and Father's day if she was off work. I knew God, prayed each night. My mom was sure to instill in me a solid foundation in Christ.
To me, she is the greatest mom ever, and sure I am bias since she is my mom and I know it is not good to compare and contrast. It is easy for me to say when I think back on my childhood. I have always come first and although my mom was not present in my classroom and we didn't sit down and do homework together I came out great. I wish she had more, I think the world needs more children raised by Johnnie Frances Smith. She is my phenomenal woman, strong, beautiful, admirable, passionate, witty, intelligent....who am I talking about?!? My momma, my strong black momma!
As I get older, I know my mom is getting older as well and it has always been in the back of my mind. I just don't know what life would be like without her. I still don't like that my granny is gone. I miss our conversations.
That's all for now. Later until I'm writing again. Smile, life is grand!
Wednesday, November 19, 2014
Tuesday, November 4, 2014
A "love" letter
Last one for now. A letter sent to someone I was interested in. I keep things to reread for later, looking at my writing skill. Things I've felt or said.
I decided I would send this since I spend the time putting my thoughts together.
I decided to write you again. You said I never write much to you, so here it goes. I have been thinking a lot tonight about our conversation and conversations we have had over the last two years of "knowing" each other. I wish I knew more about you. Well I would like to know more.
Your right I don't invest much into you....I want to change that. I will show you. I'm not one for putting everything out on the table without knowing how the other person feels to prevent being hurt over nothing.
I really don't know where to began....usually I can just write whatever comes to mind but now I can't piece my thoughts together. I have wanted you for myself longer than you'll ever know but I always messed things up. I know it was usually me, always so honest with you and you telling me like it is. I feel like I have been pushing you away just by my actions. I think you know what I am referring to. I never feel shy around you for some reason. There is no point in holding anything back but I seem to do that anyway. Your easy to talk to, I know that's because most of it is in text form. I express myself best in words as opposed to talking. Talking reveals the shy side and I clam up.
Since you already say I'm crazy what I say from here on out should not be a shock.
I wasn't kidding when I called you my knight in shining armor. You seem like a good guy and I don't blame you for not letting people in and protecting your heart. Best way to go sometimes. Told you I would wait on you. Wait for you to come around at least. Probably won't ever happen but its something to look forward to.
Wish you wanted to spend time with me so we can get to know each other. I am still holding on to my invite that you extended. lol
I wish you were mine to hold. Mine to love and tell all my dreams. Your a good listener because your not judgmental and you tell me exactly what I need to hear. The truth. You keep it real with me regardless of the circumstances or how it may make me feel. I value your honesty and compassion toward educating others with your intellect.
I love talking to you. You keep me on my toes and always brighten up my day. You possess good character traits and you always make me laugh. I know laughing is good for the soul so that makes me think you are as well.
Although I like learning new things about people, I am not one to pry. I feel if they want me to know something specific then they will tell me. It does not always work out well in my favor and sometimes it leaves me knowing nothing.
I can't read between the lines because usually I am way off base. I would rather you tell me exact what you think or feel. Funny because when you do I don't know how to take it. It's not a slam on you, its me needing to get it together and realize no two people are the same.
I had my first dreamhad about you last week. (Week of July 4th) Can't quite remember it but I had a visual of your face, it was interrupted by a 7:30am call from my mom. Pity. I tried my hardest to go back and remember. Haven't seen you in over a year and I miss you. Pictures only do so much for me. I know you hear it a lot from people but I love your smile. It seems endless and like it could light up a room.
I feel like I spend so much time trying to prove to you that I am not all that bad because I just want you to like me in return. Having conversations through text messages can only go so far. With all the things I reveal to you I wonder was it an mistake in saying. But all things are eventually revealed and nothing is ever a secret. My philosopy is don't do it if you will be ashamed later.
You made my heart skip a beat when you said you used to love me. Thought it was cute but had no idea you had any serious feelings for me.
It's like I have been searching and searching for Mr. Right and he has been around all along but I couldn't see it because I was too busy dealing with the no good guys.
That's all for now.
I know I should have sent this sooner but the way the weeks were going and you and I off and on with communicating I just put off sending it. It was written early July, not sure of exact dates.
Brandi in 2008.
Angry Letter, a woman's wrath.
Was searching through my drafts and came across a couple messages. Decided to post so they would be saved. The first is a letter to a person that I was once close friends with. Reading this gave me chills!
*Names were removed to keep the peace :)
With all that said, she and I did make up, she even called me to the hospital when her baby was born. Time heals all things, people grow and forgive. Just an insight into the person I was and can be. Life has allowed me to grow. God has healed me over and over. And I know He will continue to if it is needed.
*Names were removed to keep the peace :)
This has gone on long enough. I am not asking for your friendship nor am I asking that you forgive me. I am just asking why you are acting like a child. You stopped speaking to everyone who is associated with me and I do not think that is fair to them. No one is involved in this except for you and me. This is our issue why make it affect everyone??
I know the entire situation was messed up………since the beginning when phone numbers were exchanged. I came to you before anything got of outta hand, I asked basically for your blessing. I apologized for your misunderstanding of the situation. I told you I never had any intentions of being anything more than a friend to him and that was the truth. You felt betrayed like I went behind your back and did something wrong. What I can’t seem to understand is “what was so wrong about him and I being friends too?!?!?” We all met on the same day at the same time…so where was I wrong?
Question, was he your boyfriend? A guy you were talking to as more than a friend? Did he ever show you any interest or give you the slightly hint that he was interest in being more than your friend?
The funny thing about this is everything was innocent until numbers were exchanged and he started calling. We both know how it all went down. Need I remind you? I think its best.
Sunday evening….*Woman and *me take a drive to the auto part store, just got back from eating with a mutual friend. We happen to drive past a street where we seen your friend, *that man’s truck, so we turned around and drove passed. We stopped talked for a bit left and returned shortly after. We are sitting in the car doing our usual text messaging while *that man was doing his usual flirting with you. While all the time you continue to play “hard to get.”
By the way…I am extremely happy that you finally decided to give the man a chance. Happy for the both of you!
Anyway back to Sunday afternoon.
So we are still sitting in the car, *that man says to me, “I want you to meet someone, I think he maybe good for you” my response is I could careless about meeting some new random guy that *that man approves of but hey he is older somewhat mature maybe he knows what he is talking about. Then it starts, *the problem comes to the car, you and *that man began playing matchmaker telling him to come to Church and meet this girl that sings in the choir. Funny how things happen. We are asked to get out the car so everyone can take a good look at us, dogs I tell you. We are embarrassed but stayed around for the conversation. He begins asking you a million and one questions that you immediately answer to my surprise. Your number was given to him so he could call you about coming to church. I did not give him mine because I was too shy.
This is when it all went down hill. I do not know the exact conversations that you shared nor do I care to know. You were interested one day and the next he was weird
What's crazy is when I mentioned the phone number exchange and how he was suppose to be hooked up with me that evening we "talked" you shrugged it off like oh well your lost. That was BS but oh well. Guess your plan did not work out as you planned. You’re old enough to realize you cannot change a person to fit to your liking especially if they are not interested in you anyway. Well maybe you didn't know...is that why you tried?
You never came out and told me you liked him, I guess I was supposed to figure that out for myself. Maybe from your actions, yet I had never seen you act a certain way toward a man before unless you were being mean and showing them no interest. Everything was such a secret with you, I did not expect to know everything but I cannot fully be blamed for the way things happened.
To set the record straight, when he got in his accident he did not call me. I happen to call right after it happened. As the caring person that I am I wanted to make sure he was alright so I went to help him when no one else could. It was not my responsibility or my duty to call you and tell. I could have but do you honestly feel like things would have turned out differently?
You already had set in your mind that I was no good anyway. I can’t believe you would ask him if he would try to have sex with me, what kind of crap is that?? That statement was the first step you took backwards toward childhood. If we were ever true friends stuff like that would have never been brought up, he did not know me and you wanted to keep it that way. That’s fine though, I am unaffected it only makes me stronger to know you could stoop so low. Making people think I was incompetent and that I placed you on a high pedestal. *woman, I valued you as a person and friend. I looked up to you as a Christian woman, but we were friends. I know I am younger, but if I was so young and naive then why did we spend so much time together? Sorry to tell you, but hun we’re on the same level, you’ve just lived longer and accomplished more in life.
I’m gonna end this here because I am tired of rambling, best wishes to you in life.
Me.
With all that said, she and I did make up, she even called me to the hospital when her baby was born. Time heals all things, people grow and forgive. Just an insight into the person I was and can be. Life has allowed me to grow. God has healed me over and over. And I know He will continue to if it is needed.
Tuesday, October 28, 2014
WHO am I SuPPoSe to BE??!! Again
I don't know when I can be myself.
I don't know who I can talk to...who I can let in, who I can vent to?
I am a bottled up thing of what seems like suffering and unable to release. There is no way I can go through life like this....
You asked me if I was "on the train" to get married since everyone around me was. Or something like that...I know it my mom asked me that way for sure. I have pondered and thought about that. Often questioning what was wrong with me and why couldn't I find true happiness.
Well, I considered this marriage thing again this morning when I was awake early and suppose to be working on my homework that I have put off for far too long. Class ends Nov 5th.
I've decided it's not about a wedding, or planning or anything of the sort. In fact, I have no desire to go through that part of life. I would be well content with going to the court house. Sorta like my thoughts on babies :)
I am not the girl with a dream wedding thoughts or plans. I don't have an ideal anything. All I truly want is LOVE AND HAPPINESS. A man that loves me for me. A man that wants to devote his life to me. Not a servant, a real man that is comfortable enough in himself to know
I am not a going through the process kind of person, yes I know processes exist! But, I am trying to make it clear...it's not about a wedding.
When I have to start shunning who I am and my inner being of what I desire then something's gotta give. I have always been in a place where it seemed all I was good for from a man was physical contact. And now it appears roles have switched. I am finding myself making others uncomfortable about what I want. I am no longer free to express my wants and desires and that's when I decided this was not for me. Again, there is no way I can go through life this way. And anyone that does. Pity.
I have always been sexual, and I have always been able to control it. I think if I lacked the control then life could have easily gone a different way. I know I gave you such a hard time about us being physical, maybe because your desire matched mine and I couldn't see it. It was just a reminder to me of all the others...taking since I was giving. Leaving me feeling empty and alone at night because they had reached their peak.
People always say how once you're married, wives start to withhold...I always knew I would not be that wife. Just the opposite in fact as I've wanted marriage (this sounds bad, ok) so I could be with my husband anytime I wanted and not feel a hint of bad about it. I could do all the freaky kinky things to him.
I think this contributes to why I run, I don't get what I want and I just move on. I give my all to someone and it never is enough, so I pack up and move on to something different. I still want to leave and be FAR away from this place. I love my parents like nobody's business (and most don't understand it) but they are there and have always been there for me. We communicate on all levels, our love, bond is unbroken, unwavered. I thought I would have that someday and I could share it with my children.
Next post will be about a Mother's love. (note to self)
I am deciding more and more this single parent thing just may be all right. I won't have to change, I won't have to give up who I am. I'll hopefully graduate in May 2016, secure a career making enough to support myself and start looking into sprem banks and artificial insemination.
This all seems like I am unwilling to work with others but in truth, in compromise I will do anything for those that I love. I just can't do it if they would not do the same for me. Dad hit it on the head Friday, "never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." I've heard this saying often, hadn't realized I was living it again. Yet it showed from the outside. I sometimes want to crawl into a ball and just have cry parties, but I know they won't solve anything. And my mom won't let me. She is so strong, she wants that for me too.
When I look at bad relationship examples I feel at though I can say I have gotten the degree, wore the tshirt, ate the cookie, placed a trophy on the shelf because I have seen, done, experienced a lot in my short life span. Things that most would not even have thought possible. I think that is why I am most annoyed and frustrated when people look at me and think I know nothing about anything. So, I just smile and go with it. Better than trying to show someone that doesn't matter nor have a hell or heaven to put me place their judgement on me when I was judged from their perspection alone.
Think I'll stop here. Topics have drifted. Maybe I should write, yet I don't believe anyone would read the rantings of another. That's why I use this blog. No one has to know. I can just release.
Smooches and love.
I don't know who I can talk to...who I can let in, who I can vent to?
I am a bottled up thing of what seems like suffering and unable to release. There is no way I can go through life like this....
You asked me if I was "on the train" to get married since everyone around me was. Or something like that...I know it my mom asked me that way for sure. I have pondered and thought about that. Often questioning what was wrong with me and why couldn't I find true happiness.
Well, I considered this marriage thing again this morning when I was awake early and suppose to be working on my homework that I have put off for far too long. Class ends Nov 5th.
I've decided it's not about a wedding, or planning or anything of the sort. In fact, I have no desire to go through that part of life. I would be well content with going to the court house. Sorta like my thoughts on babies :)
I am not the girl with a dream wedding thoughts or plans. I don't have an ideal anything. All I truly want is LOVE AND HAPPINESS. A man that loves me for me. A man that wants to devote his life to me. Not a servant, a real man that is comfortable enough in himself to know
I am not a going through the process kind of person, yes I know processes exist! But, I am trying to make it clear...it's not about a wedding.
When I have to start shunning who I am and my inner being of what I desire then something's gotta give. I have always been in a place where it seemed all I was good for from a man was physical contact. And now it appears roles have switched. I am finding myself making others uncomfortable about what I want. I am no longer free to express my wants and desires and that's when I decided this was not for me. Again, there is no way I can go through life this way. And anyone that does. Pity.
I have always been sexual, and I have always been able to control it. I think if I lacked the control then life could have easily gone a different way. I know I gave you such a hard time about us being physical, maybe because your desire matched mine and I couldn't see it. It was just a reminder to me of all the others...taking since I was giving. Leaving me feeling empty and alone at night because they had reached their peak.
People always say how once you're married, wives start to withhold...I always knew I would not be that wife. Just the opposite in fact as I've wanted marriage (this sounds bad, ok) so I could be with my husband anytime I wanted and not feel a hint of bad about it. I could do all the freaky kinky things to him.
I think this contributes to why I run, I don't get what I want and I just move on. I give my all to someone and it never is enough, so I pack up and move on to something different. I still want to leave and be FAR away from this place. I love my parents like nobody's business (and most don't understand it) but they are there and have always been there for me. We communicate on all levels, our love, bond is unbroken, unwavered. I thought I would have that someday and I could share it with my children.
Next post will be about a Mother's love. (note to self)
I am deciding more and more this single parent thing just may be all right. I won't have to change, I won't have to give up who I am. I'll hopefully graduate in May 2016, secure a career making enough to support myself and start looking into sprem banks and artificial insemination.
This all seems like I am unwilling to work with others but in truth, in compromise I will do anything for those that I love. I just can't do it if they would not do the same for me. Dad hit it on the head Friday, "never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option." I've heard this saying often, hadn't realized I was living it again. Yet it showed from the outside. I sometimes want to crawl into a ball and just have cry parties, but I know they won't solve anything. And my mom won't let me. She is so strong, she wants that for me too.
When I look at bad relationship examples I feel at though I can say I have gotten the degree, wore the tshirt, ate the cookie, placed a trophy on the shelf because I have seen, done, experienced a lot in my short life span. Things that most would not even have thought possible. I think that is why I am most annoyed and frustrated when people look at me and think I know nothing about anything. So, I just smile and go with it. Better than trying to show someone that doesn't matter nor have a hell or heaven to put me place their judgement on me when I was judged from their perspection alone.
Think I'll stop here. Topics have drifted. Maybe I should write, yet I don't believe anyone would read the rantings of another. That's why I use this blog. No one has to know. I can just release.
Smooches and love.
Who am I SUPPOSE to be....
I plague myself and ask this question often.
What is my purpose? What am I here for? I have read through "Purpose Driven Life" like 3x...none on my own. I have not done my own studying. Maybe I should.
So often I used to place myself in a box, never wanting to show the true me. Always concerned what everyone would think if they knew...then I grew up and life happened best it could for me.
From time to time I wonder what am I doing?
Where do I go from here?
From the outside looking in, all seems well. It seems like I have it "going on" and things are in place. In actuality I know the truth and I know things aren't as they seem. When I try to reach out to my mom to talk, I am reminded how "good I've got it" and how I should be proud of what I've accomplished. If I sit and compared myself I would see her point. Yet, I don't do that.
I look apples to apples and how I am not where I want to be in life. I think about will I ever be...will I always feel not like my best? Shall I remain envious?
I'm sorta tired...like always again. Yet, I don't gripe on it. I know it's my own fault for not sticking with my vitamins. They were working.
True purpose for this post and I haven't even touched on it. A lot going on around me. New clinic location, out here in the middle of nothingness. Guess I'll start a new post soon....get down to the nitty gritty.
What is my purpose? What am I here for? I have read through "Purpose Driven Life" like 3x...none on my own. I have not done my own studying. Maybe I should.
So often I used to place myself in a box, never wanting to show the true me. Always concerned what everyone would think if they knew...then I grew up and life happened best it could for me.
From time to time I wonder what am I doing?
Where do I go from here?
From the outside looking in, all seems well. It seems like I have it "going on" and things are in place. In actuality I know the truth and I know things aren't as they seem. When I try to reach out to my mom to talk, I am reminded how "good I've got it" and how I should be proud of what I've accomplished. If I sit and compared myself I would see her point. Yet, I don't do that.
I look apples to apples and how I am not where I want to be in life. I think about will I ever be...will I always feel not like my best? Shall I remain envious?
I'm sorta tired...like always again. Yet, I don't gripe on it. I know it's my own fault for not sticking with my vitamins. They were working.
True purpose for this post and I haven't even touched on it. A lot going on around me. New clinic location, out here in the middle of nothingness. Guess I'll start a new post soon....get down to the nitty gritty.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Is it Jargon?
Perhaps it is...or maybe I should consider my audience or the company I keep.
I continue saying I, I, I. It's really not about me, it never has been. Momma "told me long ago never to walk in any one's shadow". I'm kidding, song lyrics. But, she did say to marry someone on my level as it would facilitate share levels of communication making it not as difficult. I have seen that in my "dating".
This post is pretty trivial, but as more and more people ask me about school I am inclined to feel as though I am speaking a foreign language. It is often that I am asked what I am studying, or what classes am I taking. Being me, and pretty humble I don't like to draw much attention to myself so speaking about school is not something I enjoy much anyway.
S/N: I should be working on homework, not posting my thoughts. Time Management, I lack the skill. Not a strong suit hee hee.
People will ask, so "what are you studying?"
I reply, " I'm getting my MBA! "
"Oh, in what?"
"Hmm, business administration"
"Oh, ok.
I know MBA's are nationally recognized, but again you have to consider the audience. Even in health care. I have since changed my language, unless I know for sure to whom I am speaking, now it's " I'm in grad school " or "getting my Masters". Most understand that. Right?
Then, I still have to go further into detail regarding my course work. While the concept is not complicated, the explanation of it is. Then I really feel as though I am giving a mini bio on myself. Why can't people ask the weather or if I have a bunch of babies and dead beat dads around :)
I don't feel people actually care, but I guess it's good conversation. I should be thrilled right?! I like saying I'm getting my MBA, not explaining. Why I would not make a good teacher. My patience is situational and mood oriented.
CHEESE. YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!
I continue saying I, I, I. It's really not about me, it never has been. Momma "told me long ago never to walk in any one's shadow". I'm kidding, song lyrics. But, she did say to marry someone on my level as it would facilitate share levels of communication making it not as difficult. I have seen that in my "dating".
This post is pretty trivial, but as more and more people ask me about school I am inclined to feel as though I am speaking a foreign language. It is often that I am asked what I am studying, or what classes am I taking. Being me, and pretty humble I don't like to draw much attention to myself so speaking about school is not something I enjoy much anyway.
S/N: I should be working on homework, not posting my thoughts. Time Management, I lack the skill. Not a strong suit hee hee.
People will ask, so "what are you studying?"
I reply, " I'm getting my MBA! "
"Oh, in what?"
"Hmm, business administration"
"Oh, ok.
I know MBA's are nationally recognized, but again you have to consider the audience. Even in health care. I have since changed my language, unless I know for sure to whom I am speaking, now it's " I'm in grad school " or "getting my Masters". Most understand that. Right?
Then, I still have to go further into detail regarding my course work. While the concept is not complicated, the explanation of it is. Then I really feel as though I am giving a mini bio on myself. Why can't people ask the weather or if I have a bunch of babies and dead beat dads around :)
I don't feel people actually care, but I guess it's good conversation. I should be thrilled right?! I like saying I'm getting my MBA, not explaining. Why I would not make a good teacher. My patience is situational and mood oriented.
CHEESE. YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!
Monday, October 6, 2014
Addiction
SOOOO I have been back in Top Whack town for over a year now... and it took me a few months, but I tried College Hill Pizza Pub and INSTANTLY fell in love! When I want pizza, this is where I want it from. From time to time I have to have Papa John's cause it's WONDERFUL hot!
Do you see where this is going....down a terrible lane of my waist line expanding because of all the goozy delicious pizza that I want to eat. It is great anytime of day. When drunk it's magnificant, great at lunch, dinner just good, ok! They have a full bar although their workers do not know how to mix up drinks it is best to stick to bottled items or pop with their free style COCA COLA machine!!! MMMM
You really should venture out and check this place out. I am calling you out hermit. Yep.
I want some pizza now.... lunch has just been delivered and it's Carlos. I don't like that place except to drink and their queso. My boyfriend says we will go there and have my fill of Long Islands...he claims 1 will knock me off my ass. We'll see and I won't go until he takes me since he brought it up. I used to frequent Carlos in undergrad on Wednesdays for their rita specials. All alone, at the bar eating cheese and sipping ritas. I wonder if he worked there then, timelines and dates are hard to verify. It's like I am conducting an investigation into his life. Which I am.
Happy Monday!
Today, I love life. We'll see after the walk this evening :)
LOVE, PEACE, HOPE to ALL
Do you see where this is going....down a terrible lane of my waist line expanding because of all the goozy delicious pizza that I want to eat. It is great anytime of day. When drunk it's magnificant, great at lunch, dinner just good, ok! They have a full bar although their workers do not know how to mix up drinks it is best to stick to bottled items or pop with their free style COCA COLA machine!!! MMMM
You really should venture out and check this place out. I am calling you out hermit. Yep.
I want some pizza now.... lunch has just been delivered and it's Carlos. I don't like that place except to drink and their queso. My boyfriend says we will go there and have my fill of Long Islands...he claims 1 will knock me off my ass. We'll see and I won't go until he takes me since he brought it up. I used to frequent Carlos in undergrad on Wednesdays for their rita specials. All alone, at the bar eating cheese and sipping ritas. I wonder if he worked there then, timelines and dates are hard to verify. It's like I am conducting an investigation into his life. Which I am.
Happy Monday!
Today, I love life. We'll see after the walk this evening :)
LOVE, PEACE, HOPE to ALL
50 Shades of.......
Because I am 50 shades of fucked up......
So I am re-reading my erotic trilogy since the movie is set to release February 2015. I am still in book one, 50 Shades of Grey. On page 333 of the 514 page novel, not bad for a FT time student and employee. I mean I do have to read textbooks too :)
Started my third course last night, HRM.....I was at first overwhelmed upon reading the syllabus as were many others in my cohort. It all seemed like busy work... but it won't be as bad long as I don't leave it all for Tuesday evening like I did this week. :)
It has been a week for me and life. I did not want to do a thing, my mind and thoughts just in shambles. I could not focus and just wanted to do nothing, but play on my phone. I am glad this week is coming to an end. I am looking forward to a peaceful weekend. There is a wedding Saturday for a church member, I'll attend. No reception. Hopefully, rest or home, or homework :)
I have wanted to reach out so badly. It hurt knowing I couldn't. A friend had my back when I needed her Sunday. I couldn't even read the hurt away and I was so in a funk that being out didn't seem like a smart idea. (Well, I didn't want to!)
Back to Grey.
So, this book turns my thoughts inside out... it is mind blowing and makes me wish I had my own Sir to set my body aflame. The words on the page, I want them to become reality (to a small extent) not full on dominatrix and body plugs and such. LOL
I am so anticipating the movie, (LIKE I CAN'T WAIT) I know it's like I am a sexual deviant that has been closed off. An untapped source...well untapped now. I was a bad girl in the South (won't say anything else).
I have been reading erotica since HS, people in my life know I enjoy these sort of books. I guess I should be embarrassed, but there are worst things I could do. And my reading has not caused an detriment to me or others. I have a creative mind, so this reading is good for me. As I got older in my early 20's a mentor of mine tried to shift my reading to more Christian based novels. I read those, enjoyed them and still found other books to occupy my thoughts. I even established a new author that I enjoyed...Francis Ray. Her books weren't as raunchy, but still gave me something to ponder :)
I remember my first encounter (the source is even more priceless) regarding these novels and get this.... ADDICTED is set to release in theaters in less than one week. Addicted was my first book read by Zane. Followed by Heat Seekers, Nervous and the list continues. I need to plan that movie trip, think I'll be in the city when it releases....too bad I don't have girlfriends to accompany me. Darn.
So I am re-reading my erotic trilogy since the movie is set to release February 2015. I am still in book one, 50 Shades of Grey. On page 333 of the 514 page novel, not bad for a FT time student and employee. I mean I do have to read textbooks too :)
Started my third course last night, HRM.....I was at first overwhelmed upon reading the syllabus as were many others in my cohort. It all seemed like busy work... but it won't be as bad long as I don't leave it all for Tuesday evening like I did this week. :)
It has been a week for me and life. I did not want to do a thing, my mind and thoughts just in shambles. I could not focus and just wanted to do nothing, but play on my phone. I am glad this week is coming to an end. I am looking forward to a peaceful weekend. There is a wedding Saturday for a church member, I'll attend. No reception. Hopefully, rest or home, or homework :)
I have wanted to reach out so badly. It hurt knowing I couldn't. A friend had my back when I needed her Sunday. I couldn't even read the hurt away and I was so in a funk that being out didn't seem like a smart idea. (Well, I didn't want to!)
Back to Grey.
So, this book turns my thoughts inside out... it is mind blowing and makes me wish I had my own Sir to set my body aflame. The words on the page, I want them to become reality (to a small extent) not full on dominatrix and body plugs and such. LOL
I am so anticipating the movie, (LIKE I CAN'T WAIT) I know it's like I am a sexual deviant that has been closed off. An untapped source...well untapped now. I was a bad girl in the South (won't say anything else).
I have been reading erotica since HS, people in my life know I enjoy these sort of books. I guess I should be embarrassed, but there are worst things I could do. And my reading has not caused an detriment to me or others. I have a creative mind, so this reading is good for me. As I got older in my early 20's a mentor of mine tried to shift my reading to more Christian based novels. I read those, enjoyed them and still found other books to occupy my thoughts. I even established a new author that I enjoyed...Francis Ray. Her books weren't as raunchy, but still gave me something to ponder :)
I remember my first encounter (the source is even more priceless) regarding these novels and get this.... ADDICTED is set to release in theaters in less than one week. Addicted was my first book read by Zane. Followed by Heat Seekers, Nervous and the list continues. I need to plan that movie trip, think I'll be in the city when it releases....too bad I don't have girlfriends to accompany me. Darn.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
End of 2nd course...
Tonight brings to a close the end of my second MBA course...I start HR Management on Oct 1st (we have a break next week) SO EXCITED!!
I have not been able to drink for the last week since I've been on a medication, so it's gonna be a great weekend!!! Thinking I will start Saturday to give my body time to clear out meds. I got 4 bottles of wine at home...all from local wineries so I'm ready!
School has continued to be not my favorite thing to do. I remembered just last night how I dreaded undergrad, so I asked my parents why didn't you all remind me when I said I was going back to school. My mom says we were just so excited, we didn't consider. Plus I had already registered, then told them.
That's me...always jumping ahead to do things on my own....oh well. It needs to be done. I know I won't make Dr. Boler like my uncle wants, but I can be Brandi CY Boler, MBA :) .
Side note: I need some caffeine!
Later gators!
I have not been able to drink for the last week since I've been on a medication, so it's gonna be a great weekend!!! Thinking I will start Saturday to give my body time to clear out meds. I got 4 bottles of wine at home...all from local wineries so I'm ready!
School has continued to be not my favorite thing to do. I remembered just last night how I dreaded undergrad, so I asked my parents why didn't you all remind me when I said I was going back to school. My mom says we were just so excited, we didn't consider. Plus I had already registered, then told them.
That's me...always jumping ahead to do things on my own....oh well. It needs to be done. I know I won't make Dr. Boler like my uncle wants, but I can be Brandi CY Boler, MBA :) .
Side note: I need some caffeine!
Later gators!
Flashback Moment (March Madness)
So now is a good enough time as any to write. Sitting here at a clinic I've been to just once before...out West on the other :) side of town. Us South side people can't appreciate this high dollar living!
So about that flashback moment from the other day...... Saturday, I believe it was :)
My boyfriend told me he was meeting a friend for lunch at 12:30 pm. This allowed me to a free morning, which was memorable and different than most of my Saturday mornings. I was to be home working on my 8 pager for my Organizational Management course. Ha. If you know me, that was not the case. I received a message from my guy early wishing me luck.
As the afternoon progressed I decided to reach out and check on my babe, it was now 2:30PM...surly lunch was over even though they were going to drink while there. He said he was still there in his message.. I drove by the area later on my way to get a meal and there was his car. It made me laugh, but in the back of my head I knew he would be dead sleepy and he was suppose to attend a bday party at a different bar that evening.
Realizing how long he had sat at that bar drinking I remembered the deadbeat boyfriend previously. The one I don't like to claim.
It was March Madness time and foolish me had got him to come visit since mom made a huge deal about how I should see him more often....men needs and such. Women have them too...its called personal space!
So anyway, he came out to Texas for a week (the time period is another day's story) and I didn't take as many days off cause someone had to work. I had bills, you know. I worked just behind where I lived and it only made sense for him to drop me off so he didn't have to be stuck inside on nice days. He claimed he would find a bowling alley or some shit like that. Then he was all paranoid that he would get lost so he went no where.... should have been my true tell.
Now, we all know TGIFRIDAYS is my SPOT! He decided to sit at Fridays all evening waiting for me to get off since he wanted to watch the games and I didn't have cable. But the games were local (some people are stupid!). He picked me up on time and said we were gonna go back to Fridays, that had been our plan. Think I even took a change of clothes to work. We got there and he was best buds with everyone. He had been talking mess all day about his team winning. As the night progressed I determined I had a bar bill waiting for me. It baffled me that they let him hang out all day and leave without paying his bill. It's not like they knew him.
I was a bit pissed about the situation, but that's what happens when you get wrapped up with dogs. Bound to have a flea bite here or there. You can see why it ended so abruptly right? I guess going forward all men interested in me should talk to him for the heads up. I am one that don't play and you WILL NOT take me for a ride!
I like this writing thing....
So about that flashback moment from the other day...... Saturday, I believe it was :)
My boyfriend told me he was meeting a friend for lunch at 12:30 pm. This allowed me to a free morning, which was memorable and different than most of my Saturday mornings. I was to be home working on my 8 pager for my Organizational Management course. Ha. If you know me, that was not the case. I received a message from my guy early wishing me luck.
As the afternoon progressed I decided to reach out and check on my babe, it was now 2:30PM...surly lunch was over even though they were going to drink while there. He said he was still there in his message.. I drove by the area later on my way to get a meal and there was his car. It made me laugh, but in the back of my head I knew he would be dead sleepy and he was suppose to attend a bday party at a different bar that evening.
Realizing how long he had sat at that bar drinking I remembered the deadbeat boyfriend previously. The one I don't like to claim.
It was March Madness time and foolish me had got him to come visit since mom made a huge deal about how I should see him more often....men needs and such. Women have them too...its called personal space!
So anyway, he came out to Texas for a week (the time period is another day's story) and I didn't take as many days off cause someone had to work. I had bills, you know. I worked just behind where I lived and it only made sense for him to drop me off so he didn't have to be stuck inside on nice days. He claimed he would find a bowling alley or some shit like that. Then he was all paranoid that he would get lost so he went no where.... should have been my true tell.
Now, we all know TGIFRIDAYS is my SPOT! He decided to sit at Fridays all evening waiting for me to get off since he wanted to watch the games and I didn't have cable. But the games were local (some people are stupid!). He picked me up on time and said we were gonna go back to Fridays, that had been our plan. Think I even took a change of clothes to work. We got there and he was best buds with everyone. He had been talking mess all day about his team winning. As the night progressed I determined I had a bar bill waiting for me. It baffled me that they let him hang out all day and leave without paying his bill. It's not like they knew him.
I was a bit pissed about the situation, but that's what happens when you get wrapped up with dogs. Bound to have a flea bite here or there. You can see why it ended so abruptly right? I guess going forward all men interested in me should talk to him for the heads up. I am one that don't play and you WILL NOT take me for a ride!
I like this writing thing....
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Been Slacking
I have gotten chastised about not writing more frequently and how it should be way more than every three months.
I be TIRED, I tell you, TIRED!
Grad school has been kicking my butt for real as well as balancing social, family, and me. Someone thought it was a good idea to get a boyfriend when beginning an accelerated college program. We're fine, but I have to work on better planning of school assignments, making time for us and making time for "me moments".
I have not had a desire to write since I have been writing for school so much, reading and writing was ALL my first course was about...oh and by the way I got an A+ in that class! Kicked ass after causing so much stress and aggravation to those around me. SMILES.
This summer has been a world wind, it's been fun but oh so busy. Literally no time to do much of anything. Been working, and trying to maintain. I need to do a wedding update from N Racquel's wedding August 9th.
I've watched my babies recently, which is new since I hardly saw Da'Nia when she was a baby. But, we live close again. Just less than an hour away. Life is different. Best and I are in different places. I am glad for friendship.
I am glad for love, family, happiness, and laughter.
God continues to bless me.
I be TIRED, I tell you, TIRED!
Grad school has been kicking my butt for real as well as balancing social, family, and me. Someone thought it was a good idea to get a boyfriend when beginning an accelerated college program. We're fine, but I have to work on better planning of school assignments, making time for us and making time for "me moments".
I have not had a desire to write since I have been writing for school so much, reading and writing was ALL my first course was about...oh and by the way I got an A+ in that class! Kicked ass after causing so much stress and aggravation to those around me. SMILES.
This summer has been a world wind, it's been fun but oh so busy. Literally no time to do much of anything. Been working, and trying to maintain. I need to do a wedding update from N Racquel's wedding August 9th.
I've watched my babies recently, which is new since I hardly saw Da'Nia when she was a baby. But, we live close again. Just less than an hour away. Life is different. Best and I are in different places. I am glad for friendship.
I am glad for love, family, happiness, and laughter.
God continues to bless me.
Thursday, August 7, 2014
"Free" Time
I am overjoyed about my "free time" for the next 5 days or so...that is until my next class starts Organizational Management (should be interesting, waiting to see Syllabus) Mom is still paranoid that I am dropping out (giving up on my MBA), I hadn't thought much about it again since Monday. I know the changes I need to make and actually stick to them. I can be a shut-in :)
Nina Bee, Nini, Racquel, "Lightskin", my roll dawg, partner in crime is GETTING MARRIED on Saturday!!! I am SOOOOOO EXCITED for her and Mr. Billings :)
To turn back the hands of time, love wins ALL
Festivities start this evening.... with a "Bridal Shower," I received a see you in a few days text as she drove through Topeka this morning....sooner than you think boo! I can't wait to see her, its been too long (like 4 months geez!)
I'm sure I will update after the wedding weekend!
I am glad to be able to have this school "break" while the new class starts over this weekend so I can really just relax and HAVE A FABULOUS time with love ones! New beginnings and things are different for me, but I am glad about the new excitement that God has set for my life!
Nina Bee, Nini, Racquel, "Lightskin", my roll dawg, partner in crime is GETTING MARRIED on Saturday!!! I am SOOOOOO EXCITED for her and Mr. Billings :)
To turn back the hands of time, love wins ALL
Festivities start this evening.... with a "Bridal Shower," I received a see you in a few days text as she drove through Topeka this morning....sooner than you think boo! I can't wait to see her, its been too long (like 4 months geez!)
I'm sure I will update after the wedding weekend!
I am glad to be able to have this school "break" while the new class starts over this weekend so I can really just relax and HAVE A FABULOUS time with love ones! New beginnings and things are different for me, but I am glad about the new excitement that God has set for my life!
Thursday, July 24, 2014
Flashing Back
Let's go to the year 1999 since everyone remembers me as this freshman.
Uh, it was Spring, I was still an 8th graderat Eisenhower. Had a couple really good friends and most of the guys teased me.
We received information regarding Freshmen cheerleading try-outs for the Frosh squad at HPHS (I was still undecided on which HS to attend), but my friends and I wanted to try-out. I had wanted to be a cheerleader since moving to this God awful (yep) town in 1995, but lived in city limits and cheerleading was only offered in high school. While all my friends got drugged across the floor playing basketbalI, I sat in the stands and cheered :)
Moving on.... there were open cheer sessions given to prep girls for try-outs that occurred on a Friday. We learned cheers, chants, stunts, jumps, kicks, how to be loud and smile. I was nervous about the try-out, not much of a in-front of the crowd person ( see, I haven't changed). I can't even tell you who was in my group when trying out, think it was 3 of us. Made a group based off who I could do my stunt with and for some reason I think I was the "flyer". Nervous wreak over the weekend. Found out Monday I had made the squad along with 4 other girls from my middle school....one outsider from Chase. There were 2 black, white, and Mexican girls represented (gotta be diverse!)
We rocked as a team, got along typically always.
My position as a cheerleader apparently caught the eye of some upperclassmen. Not that any of them ever approached me, but it was something we could discuss later after 14 years...I was a 14 year old freshman so I had NO interest in anyone older especially an 18 year old man. I got a boyfriend not long after school started so I was also preoccupied and referred to his "girl" (I am glad that title is gone!).
I was a cute little overly bubbly girl with a big smile, long hair, small waist, big boobs. Think other features formed as a junior. Nevertheless it amazes me those that noticed me, but I never knew.
Spent my summer before high school in front of the school learning all the 100+ chants and cheers. My favorite cheer was "L-E-T-S G-O" I even learned how to spell aggressive from a football chant.
Attended early morning practices twice per week and went to varisty football games on Friday nights. Freshmen played Monday nights I believe. We had pep rallies where I had to chant and jump in front of the entire school.
I would not have considered myself popular, but I was known. The people I was friends with were the socialites, I was a school nerd. High school was the place that was going to prepare me for college, not marry or have babies. (Sorry) I'm just saying.
Guess that is all on this year for now. I mean who wants to hear about freezing my buns off at football games and having a sucky freshman bball team. I was a cheerleader during the 4 years of high school with the exception of bball season Senior year. Another days' story :)
Peace!
Uh, it was Spring, I was still an 8th grader
We received information regarding Freshmen cheerleading try-outs for the Frosh squad at HPHS (I was still undecided on which HS to attend), but my friends and I wanted to try-out. I had wanted to be a cheerleader since moving to this God awful (yep) town in 1995, but lived in city limits and cheerleading was only offered in high school. While all my friends got drugged across the floor playing basketbalI, I sat in the stands and cheered :)
Moving on.... there were open cheer sessions given to prep girls for try-outs that occurred on a Friday. We learned cheers, chants, stunts, jumps, kicks, how to be loud and smile. I was nervous about the try-out, not much of a in-front of the crowd person ( see, I haven't changed). I can't even tell you who was in my group when trying out, think it was 3 of us. Made a group based off who I could do my stunt with and for some reason I think I was the "flyer". Nervous wreak over the weekend. Found out Monday I had made the squad along with 4 other girls from my middle school....one outsider from Chase. There were 2 black, white, and Mexican girls represented (gotta be diverse!)
We rocked as a team, got along typically always.
My position as a cheerleader apparently caught the eye of some upperclassmen. Not that any of them ever approached me, but it was something we could discuss later after 14 years...I was a 14 year old freshman so I had NO interest in anyone older especially an 18 year old man. I got a boyfriend not long after school started so I was also preoccupied and referred to his "girl" (I am glad that title is gone!).
I was a cute little overly bubbly girl with a big smile, long hair, small waist, big boobs. Think other features formed as a junior. Nevertheless it amazes me those that noticed me, but I never knew.
Spent my summer before high school in front of the school learning all the 100+ chants and cheers. My favorite cheer was "L-E-T-S G-O" I even learned how to spell aggressive from a football chant.
Attended early morning practices twice per week and went to varisty football games on Friday nights. Freshmen played Monday nights I believe. We had pep rallies where I had to chant and jump in front of the entire school.
I would not have considered myself popular, but I was known. The people I was friends with were the socialites, I was a school nerd. High school was the place that was going to prepare me for college, not marry or have babies. (Sorry) I'm just saying.
Guess that is all on this year for now. I mean who wants to hear about freezing my buns off at football games and having a sucky freshman bball team. I was a cheerleader during the 4 years of high school with the exception of bball season Senior year. Another days' story :)
Peace!
Saturday, June 28, 2014
June 2014
Update time. Semi overdue.
I started my Master's program on June 25th! For the next 22 months I will be in an accelerated masters program obtaining my MBA! I can't believe it! God is GREAT!! Life dreams coming true.
I told mom....I think 2 weeks ago that I was content for now with Topeka, she was ecstatic. Things are really falling into line. God has been making a way for me, capturing some joy again. Being content with present situation in life. I'm working in town now, no longer making that trip to Lawrence each morning. Other co-workers in the building are really nice....no new friends. I did however begin dating. (Crazy how I want to censor my own blog because I am not sure of the readers). Not a good look.
So, I'm seriously dating. I have a boyfriend.
I had to let him know. I can't say it should have came as a shock, but it did. My guy said if he is anything like him then it is just something you didn't want to admit as things were changing. You weren't a secret. I made it known I had been talking to someone for a really longtime. We won't discuss time lines on here.
My love for you is real. Everything I ever said was/is true (since I have to watch my tenses on wording).
Friends are being crazy about it, quite excited for me. First question being....does he live in the same town as you?
AM I THAT BAD?!
Really!
He does. My twin went as far as FB stalking. Shameful. Nini considered google search, people want pictures. And my BEST claimed I withheld information....side eye.
This was suppose to be an update post.
At times my heart aches, I am still not sure what I am doing here. And how I got here. I thought I foreseen the future (yeah, I know I can't tell the future!) I had names started, planning honeymoons with no sense of a real commitment, relationship, introductions, ring, nothing. It was time to leave my fairy tale. I felt like I was the only one in it. Love struck.
July 4th getaway weekend was canceled. And I won't make it to Denver during July. I will just see Nini when she is here for holiday (so it worked out). I gotta work on 4th (sad face) but it's ok. Beats retail. Texas heat. And sidewalk sales. AHHHHHH! LOL
Planning for August wedding weekend. I need a dress, I was told I was an honorary bridesmaid. I am super excited for her and love. Actually 3 Texas women are getting married in the next year.....crazy how the tide has turned. These same women were seeking love, well one had her guy ,but figured they would never marry. I am happy for them :)
I am not sure about the Vegas wedding since ARUBA is next year :)
We'll see :)
I haven't talked to family much lately. No updates there. Everyone on social media posting.
My parents are great. I am finally not under their watch. Getting out with people my own age :) I haven't gone out lately. Just friend dinners. My friends don't party.
Fuck, I miss Nina :) And she gonna be married....life is over. (I wanna cry)
So I'm gonna bring this to a close. Small updates.
Until we talk again.
Love and peace to you all.
I started my Master's program on June 25th! For the next 22 months I will be in an accelerated masters program obtaining my MBA! I can't believe it! God is GREAT!! Life dreams coming true.
I told mom....I think 2 weeks ago that I was content for now with Topeka, she was ecstatic. Things are really falling into line. God has been making a way for me, capturing some joy again. Being content with present situation in life. I'm working in town now, no longer making that trip to Lawrence each morning. Other co-workers in the building are really nice....no new friends. I did however begin dating. (Crazy how I want to censor my own blog because I am not sure of the readers). Not a good look.
So, I'm seriously dating. I have a boyfriend.
I had to let him know. I can't say it should have came as a shock, but it did. My guy said if he is anything like him then it is just something you didn't want to admit as things were changing. You weren't a secret. I made it known I had been talking to someone for a really longtime. We won't discuss time lines on here.
My love for you is real. Everything I ever said was/is true (since I have to watch my tenses on wording).
Friends are being crazy about it, quite excited for me. First question being....does he live in the same town as you?
AM I THAT BAD?!
Really!
He does. My twin went as far as FB stalking. Shameful. Nini considered google search, people want pictures. And my BEST claimed I withheld information....side eye.
This was suppose to be an update post.
At times my heart aches, I am still not sure what I am doing here. And how I got here. I thought I foreseen the future (yeah, I know I can't tell the future!) I had names started, planning honeymoons with no sense of a real commitment, relationship, introductions, ring, nothing. It was time to leave my fairy tale. I felt like I was the only one in it. Love struck.
July 4th getaway weekend was canceled. And I won't make it to Denver during July. I will just see Nini when she is here for holiday (so it worked out). I gotta work on 4th (sad face) but it's ok. Beats retail. Texas heat. And sidewalk sales. AHHHHHH! LOL
Planning for August wedding weekend. I need a dress, I was told I was an honorary bridesmaid. I am super excited for her and love. Actually 3 Texas women are getting married in the next year.....crazy how the tide has turned. These same women were seeking love, well one had her guy ,but figured they would never marry. I am happy for them :)
I am not sure about the Vegas wedding since ARUBA is next year :)
We'll see :)
I haven't talked to family much lately. No updates there. Everyone on social media posting.
My parents are great. I am finally not under their watch. Getting out with people my own age :) I haven't gone out lately. Just friend dinners. My friends don't party.
Fuck, I miss Nina :) And she gonna be married....life is over. (I wanna cry)
So I'm gonna bring this to a close. Small updates.
Until we talk again.
Love and peace to you all.
Tuesday, June 24, 2014
On the Up and Up
I smile again.
And while it was thought that I should let my heart (the past time spent) decide on my future I prefer to use my heart, mind, emotion, and soul. It's been just a few days that we've gone without communication of no kind. I won't say it has not crossed my mind.
But then my phone rings while I'm on my lunch because his work day of teaching summer school has ended. I am brought back to my reality.............
And my reality is family means everything to me. Meeting and communing together. As does shared communication, interactions, social gatherings, similar interest, shared faith beliefs and values. My friends are also my world; and we're close. For the last 2 years I have felt distant from them. Almost as if I was locked away in the tower of a castle (without the bread and water).
I've realized how closed minded I was to this thought, but I am glad I took a chance. I haven't shared my initial thought with him "he better look the other way" sure laughter will fill the room. Still crazy to me as you were topic of discussion at the table that night, yet no one other than Cass and I were engaged in the conversation. I wore a ring on my finger that night, and no one paid attention to that. After you had been texting me all night (while I was suppose to be with friends, as you didn't care where I was if I was not with you) I came over and stayed all night most likely. The days of following your rules, your way have ceased.
Nowadays, decisions/plans are more shared and agreed upon.
And I still smile.
And while it was thought that I should let my heart (the past time spent) decide on my future I prefer to use my heart, mind, emotion, and soul. It's been just a few days that we've gone without communication of no kind. I won't say it has not crossed my mind.
But then my phone rings while I'm on my lunch because his work day of teaching summer school has ended. I am brought back to my reality.............
And my reality is family means everything to me. Meeting and communing together. As does shared communication, interactions, social gatherings, similar interest, shared faith beliefs and values. My friends are also my world; and we're close. For the last 2 years I have felt distant from them. Almost as if I was locked away in the tower of a castle (without the bread and water).
I've realized how closed minded I was to this thought, but I am glad I took a chance. I haven't shared my initial thought with him "he better look the other way" sure laughter will fill the room. Still crazy to me as you were topic of discussion at the table that night, yet no one other than Cass and I were engaged in the conversation. I wore a ring on my finger that night, and no one paid attention to that. After you had been texting me all night (while I was suppose to be with friends, as you didn't care where I was if I was not with you) I came over and stayed all night most likely. The days of following your rules, your way have ceased.
Nowadays, decisions/plans are more shared and agreed upon.
And I still smile.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Flashback... in time
The year 1992. I was umm 7 and in the second grade. Ms. Underwood's 2nd grade class, having her as my teacher for the 2nd time (she was my 1st grade teacher) with my "class within a class" at Detroit Open (now closed) on the west side of Detroit really close to the suburbia areas of Farmington Hills, Redford, Southfield and Livonia. I believe she is the same teacher that deemed me as a "social butterfly" for I had found my voice in school and I was talking up a storm and not getting my work done. My best friend was Chanae, and I hung out with Denae and Shadon. I was crushing on my best friend's younger cousin.
We were living in "our" first apartment on Telegraph, actually not far from the school at all, but mom worked crazy hours so I would often catch the bus from my granny house to school. Sometime this year my mom received news of a job transfer with the company she had been employed with since I was about a year old. This transfer included relocation and a far distant move across it seemed at the time...the globe. Her job was sending her to Bridgeport, Connecticut! Young, single mom with the world in front of her. Mom left to start her job and prepare our new home....some months later I joined her. I remember missing my mom like nobodies business. Probably vowed to never let her outta my sight again! We would have morning calls to say hello and how much she missed her baby. She even told me the company would send her home for visits...I don't remember that! :) I remember just crying at the airport when she left. I was promised Crazy Bread to calm my spirit (which I never got...you know kids remember a lot!) I lived with my grandparents while my mom was gone....weekend good will runs (we walked) with my granny excited me. I would get her to buy me books books and more books! I also brought "real" baby clothes for my baby dolls :)
The more I think about it, this post could go on and on as I recall memories of my childhood. As I have once said...it was interesting! Now see my mom brought me an extensive wardrobe before she departed so I would have new clothes for the school year...you know school clothes. Well, I was just perfectly content wearing all the things my granny let me pick out from the good will. My mom just shook her head when she found out all those new clothes still had tags :)
Like I said, joined my mom in CT; not sure when but I was still in 2nd grade. I was there all of 2 months before I let her know it was time to move back to Detroit with our family....CT was great and all but we needed to go! :) Imagine her shock. I attended Read Elementary just around the block from our 2 bedroom condo. I made a friend Melissa Torres, I'll never forget....wish I had stayed in contact. I don't think we ever wrote. Her parents didn't speak a lick of English and I wanted to be at her home often. I had school pictures taken, even made the class photo (ugh). We sat at desks, had homework nightly, they used a black chalk board that was wiped cleaned nightly. We didn't have a lunchroom or playground...talk about boredom. Probably why I wanted to fleet the area so quickly!
Mom lived in CT less than a year, she requested a transfer and we moved back to MICHIGAN! My granny and cousin came down (had to be summer) and stayed a bunch of weeks. We packed up our place, rented a truck, flew my grandpa in to drive the truck and high-tailed it outta dodge! Hours long was our trip back to MI, mom drove it alone; Granny has never had a license. I was able to return to my same school, no wait list for me! We moved to Farmington Hills and remained there until mom was swept off her feet and placed in the Mid-West....boring Kansas-where the buffalo roam :0) however I have never been able to click my heels 3x and return. Can't say I didn't try at times.
Keeping these flashbacks coming. Need a new year.
Smooches
We were living in "our" first apartment on Telegraph, actually not far from the school at all, but mom worked crazy hours so I would often catch the bus from my granny house to school. Sometime this year my mom received news of a job transfer with the company she had been employed with since I was about a year old. This transfer included relocation and a far distant move across it seemed at the time...the globe. Her job was sending her to Bridgeport, Connecticut! Young, single mom with the world in front of her. Mom left to start her job and prepare our new home....some months later I joined her. I remember missing my mom like nobodies business. Probably vowed to never let her outta my sight again! We would have morning calls to say hello and how much she missed her baby. She even told me the company would send her home for visits...I don't remember that! :) I remember just crying at the airport when she left. I was promised Crazy Bread to calm my spirit (which I never got...you know kids remember a lot!) I lived with my grandparents while my mom was gone....weekend good will runs (we walked) with my granny excited me. I would get her to buy me books books and more books! I also brought "real" baby clothes for my baby dolls :)
The more I think about it, this post could go on and on as I recall memories of my childhood. As I have once said...it was interesting! Now see my mom brought me an extensive wardrobe before she departed so I would have new clothes for the school year...you know school clothes. Well, I was just perfectly content wearing all the things my granny let me pick out from the good will. My mom just shook her head when she found out all those new clothes still had tags :)
Like I said, joined my mom in CT; not sure when but I was still in 2nd grade. I was there all of 2 months before I let her know it was time to move back to Detroit with our family....CT was great and all but we needed to go! :) Imagine her shock. I attended Read Elementary just around the block from our 2 bedroom condo. I made a friend Melissa Torres, I'll never forget....wish I had stayed in contact. I don't think we ever wrote. Her parents didn't speak a lick of English and I wanted to be at her home often. I had school pictures taken, even made the class photo (ugh). We sat at desks, had homework nightly, they used a black chalk board that was wiped cleaned nightly. We didn't have a lunchroom or playground...talk about boredom. Probably why I wanted to fleet the area so quickly!
Mom lived in CT less than a year, she requested a transfer and we moved back to MICHIGAN! My granny and cousin came down (had to be summer) and stayed a bunch of weeks. We packed up our place, rented a truck, flew my grandpa in to drive the truck and high-tailed it outta dodge! Hours long was our trip back to MI, mom drove it alone; Granny has never had a license. I was able to return to my same school, no wait list for me! We moved to Farmington Hills and remained there until mom was swept off her feet and placed in the Mid-West....boring Kansas-where the buffalo roam :0) however I have never been able to click my heels 3x and return. Can't say I didn't try at times.
Keeping these flashbacks coming. Need a new year.
Smooches
Monday, March 24, 2014
Flash Backs
The year 2013.
The title made me consider other flashbacks....true to form. Picking a year and writing a recollection of the events that took place.
So 2013 was a significant year in time...4 of my closest female friends experienced a tragic lost, one that some women fear...losing a child. It is true that some may consider unborn children fetuses or not living or an embryo even. I believe at conception, you have a child/baby/miracle/blessing forming in your womb. It took me a while to determine my stance on continuing life being pro life or choice. While I have always felt a particular way, never having being faced with the decision I've often wavered. At this time in my life I know whatever happens is His Will because all this time...nothing.
So back to 2013, if you haven't noticed yet...my mind drifts and I am not able to stay on task :)
During different parts of the year I received news of expectancy...at least from 2 of them; the others didn't know they were expecting right off. With one, I was so overjoyed at the thought a new baby in our circle especially since she wasn't trying and babies are always good...right. Pregnancy was kept a secret, I found out and kept the news to myself. I couldn't tell her I knew until she told me.....talk about excitement! When the bad news broke, I received that first hand and it was like a piece of flesh had been torn from my side. Death is always sad, it is better when you know the person has a relationship and is going to see the Father.
2013 in my life was interesting. I started the year busting my ass, still living in Texas as an employee of 2 companies. Retail and health care. Started a PRN position at a hospital near me, went through formal 3 week training but never got to work much because of my hectic schedule as Asst. Manager. I had a "boyfriend" for a couple months. Poor decision making. Life was good.....partied hard, we kic'd it as Nini would say! Our spots, HH, downtown, her place.... even took a trip to Houston. Were suppose to see Rih Rih, but that bish canceled on Texas (sick)....hung over ok! We made the best of our trip....it goes down in the books :)
Think it was end of April/May when I decided to move back to Kansas. Was ready to be near parents again. We were even house shopping...I wanted a house so bad! Tired of apt living for that price and dumb neighbors. We opted out. Guess that was end of 2012 :)
I packed for what seemed like an eternity....months. Worked, packed, slept. My manager left her position and that put a strain on my time, but I adjusted and made the best of it. Nini and I partied like a rock star before I officially left the Texas area; she even threw me a "going away" party *love*
Life back in Kansas has had its moments. Good and bad, def for the good on home front and love life. I miss my life, friends, place, social life that I had but I am welcoming the change. Another adjustment..later in life. It's needed I know. New things/changes maybe arising soon. Good things come to those that wait...and I am praying for the best possible outcome cause there are things I just don't want right now.
Kansas was good to me on the job front, while I quit my job "early" in August and I was unemployed for over a month...less than 1 month back I had a job offer for FT work.....less than a month later. Another job offer. So God has been good to me...this I know. Never doubted and while the year started rocky for some....2 of those same ladies are again expecting babies! The other is engaged and the 4th taking time to enjoy her life and appreciate each moment. God works wonders each day. I am just glad to be apart of His plan.
The title made me consider other flashbacks....true to form. Picking a year and writing a recollection of the events that took place.
So 2013 was a significant year in time...4 of my closest female friends experienced a tragic lost, one that some women fear...losing a child. It is true that some may consider unborn children fetuses or not living or an embryo even. I believe at conception, you have a child/baby/miracle/blessing forming in your womb. It took me a while to determine my stance on continuing life being pro life or choice. While I have always felt a particular way, never having being faced with the decision I've often wavered. At this time in my life I know whatever happens is His Will because all this time...nothing.
So back to 2013, if you haven't noticed yet...my mind drifts and I am not able to stay on task :)
During different parts of the year I received news of expectancy...at least from 2 of them; the others didn't know they were expecting right off. With one, I was so overjoyed at the thought a new baby in our circle especially since she wasn't trying and babies are always good...right. Pregnancy was kept a secret, I found out and kept the news to myself. I couldn't tell her I knew until she told me.....talk about excitement! When the bad news broke, I received that first hand and it was like a piece of flesh had been torn from my side. Death is always sad, it is better when you know the person has a relationship and is going to see the Father.
2013 in my life was interesting. I started the year busting my ass, still living in Texas as an employee of 2 companies. Retail and health care. Started a PRN position at a hospital near me, went through formal 3 week training but never got to work much because of my hectic schedule as Asst. Manager. I had a "boyfriend" for a couple months. Poor decision making. Life was good.....partied hard, we kic'd it as Nini would say! Our spots, HH, downtown, her place.... even took a trip to Houston. Were suppose to see Rih Rih, but that bish canceled on Texas (sick)....hung over ok! We made the best of our trip....it goes down in the books :)
Think it was end of April/May when I decided to move back to Kansas. Was ready to be near parents again. We were even house shopping...I wanted a house so bad! Tired of apt living for that price and dumb neighbors. We opted out. Guess that was end of 2012 :)
I packed for what seemed like an eternity....months. Worked, packed, slept. My manager left her position and that put a strain on my time, but I adjusted and made the best of it. Nini and I partied like a rock star before I officially left the Texas area; she even threw me a "going away" party *love*
Life back in Kansas has had its moments. Good and bad, def for the good on home front and love life. I miss my life, friends, place, social life that I had but I am welcoming the change. Another adjustment..later in life. It's needed I know. New things/changes maybe arising soon. Good things come to those that wait...and I am praying for the best possible outcome cause there are things I just don't want right now.
Kansas was good to me on the job front, while I quit my job "early" in August and I was unemployed for over a month...less than 1 month back I had a job offer for FT work.....less than a month later. Another job offer. So God has been good to me...this I know. Never doubted and while the year started rocky for some....2 of those same ladies are again expecting babies! The other is engaged and the 4th taking time to enjoy her life and appreciate each moment. God works wonders each day. I am just glad to be apart of His plan.
Thursday, March 20, 2014
Passing Time
Placed on wrong blog...opps.
Days like this I am reminded why I want so desperately for school to start. I am bored senseless. And when I am bored I play a game...when that gets old I don't know what to do. Reading is my fav and he suggested a place I could go online and read but I rather not open random sites on desktop. It even has an app...but I removed it. Got over it quick. Usually catch up on news via Yahoo.
Bottom line...I don't want to sit here and eat because I am bored. The sitting is bad enough.
So here I write...and not a particular topic but it passes time (sorta). I could text him, but no particular topic and texting is obvious....wish we could email again. Plus for heavens he does work :) He is the only person in life that I have ever communicated with throughout entire days. Like I feel lost when we haven't exchanged a message in a while. Weird I know.
Back to boredom. I need a challenge in life. A passion. Something that drives, pushes, and motivates me beyond being able to buy what I want. Why I work. These jobs I have don't seem to be preparing me for much. I still believe I need a skill, but in what I don't know! I want to win the lottery or get an inheritance. Stay home, raise babies, and keep house. Ugh, I just said that.
I really want a house. I want to live in a place that I call my own and just be. Cook, and clean for another. Particularly him. Ha.
I really want a better climate too. I moved back to Kansas and they had a terrible winter. Drags. All of this seems like complaints...maybe it is. I am happy with being around my parents and him. Miss my friends in Texas terribly bad. I am able to be closer to my Best but being pregnant makes it hard for her to want to do much beyond work. Babies both due toward end of May...these Gemini's I tell you. Well, on to something else.
Until we meet again.
Later.
Days like this I am reminded why I want so desperately for school to start. I am bored senseless. And when I am bored I play a game...when that gets old I don't know what to do. Reading is my fav and he suggested a place I could go online and read but I rather not open random sites on desktop. It even has an app...but I removed it. Got over it quick. Usually catch up on news via Yahoo.
Bottom line...I don't want to sit here and eat because I am bored. The sitting is bad enough.
So here I write...and not a particular topic but it passes time (sorta). I could text him, but no particular topic and texting is obvious....wish we could email again. Plus for heavens he does work :) He is the only person in life that I have ever communicated with throughout entire days. Like I feel lost when we haven't exchanged a message in a while. Weird I know.
Back to boredom. I need a challenge in life. A passion. Something that drives, pushes, and motivates me beyond being able to buy what I want. Why I work. These jobs I have don't seem to be preparing me for much. I still believe I need a skill, but in what I don't know! I want to win the lottery or get an inheritance. Stay home, raise babies, and keep house. Ugh, I just said that.
I really want a house. I want to live in a place that I call my own and just be. Cook, and clean for another. Particularly him. Ha.
I really want a better climate too. I moved back to Kansas and they had a terrible winter. Drags. All of this seems like complaints...maybe it is. I am happy with being around my parents and him. Miss my friends in Texas terribly bad. I am able to be closer to my Best but being pregnant makes it hard for her to want to do much beyond work. Babies both due toward end of May...these Gemini's I tell you. Well, on to something else.
Until we meet again.
Later.
Tuesday, March 11, 2014
March 2014
Somethings just go without saying. Like my love for you, the fact that I am constantly thinking of you and us when we're apart. How my thoughts run rapid as soon as we depart, but when we're together I am focused on the moment. In the moment. The time spent. Our time.
It's almost mid March already....life flies. I swear. Trips, baby showers, and life changes planned in the upcoming months. My TWO best friends are pregnant....both with boys like 1 month apart. HOW CRAZY IS THAT!!!
I am yet again on the planning committee for KDawn...alone this time, but my mom is gonna help me create fun stuff. Have all things prepped, decor, invites (which need to be mailed), cake and food ideas, location. My twin and her hubby are having a shower in less than 2 weeks, gotta travel to OKC for it. I just can't believe how fast this year is already going. Been with Stormont almost 4 months, still working in Lawrence.
Oh. Quick praise report! I applied to grad school!!!
I was accepted on January 29th to Baker University's MBA program! I am just awaiting the start of a new cohort!!!
Ok, back to March..... I am going to LA for the FIRST time at the end of the month to celebrate Nallie's 30th!! It will be her, Mel, and me. The youngest granddaughters all together again painting the city RED. I can't WAIT!!!
Love life is on the up and up, still talking to Mr. Mystery man as some refer to him as...I'm glad he decided to stick around. Told him just last week how I never would have imagined talking to him. We're been FB friends since forever and even went to the same HS. Ran in different circles, but he seems familiar. The attraction is strong. Guess this isn't his post, but I have to do adds when I can.
No Spring Break plans for anyone this year....mom pushed back her trip with my God mom to Chi-Town. I have tons going on. Mentally and emotionally. Operation get these breast removed is going into FULL swing come April. I am tired and my body aches. I am over it. It's so funny to me, I remember in middle school praying I had boobs. Now I am praying them off!
Jumping all around....sorry.
Oh, work is interesting to say the least. Not much to share, it's honest. I make it there daily. The shift rocks, and each day is different. I work in a specialty clinic and you never know what you're gonna see or hear.
My social calendar has came to a halt pretty much. He doesn't do out yet. Told him that will have to change. I know I love to run.....I can stay at times, but not daily. I love him, I haven't openly written that yet. We aren't as different as we seem. And attempting to read a book together. Just a mess.
I'm gonna bring this to a close. Next post may be about me dodging people in Hobby Lobby or how I pray Summer in KS never ends because this new winter back...sucked like balls :)
Later until we meet again :)
It's almost mid March already....life flies. I swear. Trips, baby showers, and life changes planned in the upcoming months. My TWO best friends are pregnant....both with boys like 1 month apart. HOW CRAZY IS THAT!!!
I am yet again on the planning committee for KDawn...alone this time, but my mom is gonna help me create fun stuff. Have all things prepped, decor, invites (which need to be mailed), cake and food ideas, location. My twin and her hubby are having a shower in less than 2 weeks, gotta travel to OKC for it. I just can't believe how fast this year is already going. Been with Stormont almost 4 months, still working in Lawrence.
Oh. Quick praise report! I applied to grad school!!!
I was accepted on January 29th to Baker University's MBA program! I am just awaiting the start of a new cohort!!!
Ok, back to March..... I am going to LA for the FIRST time at the end of the month to celebrate Nallie's 30th!! It will be her, Mel, and me. The youngest granddaughters all together again painting the city RED. I can't WAIT!!!
Love life is on the up and up, still talking to Mr. Mystery man as some refer to him as...I'm glad he decided to stick around. Told him just last week how I never would have imagined talking to him. We're been FB friends since forever and even went to the same HS. Ran in different circles, but he seems familiar. The attraction is strong. Guess this isn't his post, but I have to do adds when I can.
No Spring Break plans for anyone this year....mom pushed back her trip with my God mom to Chi-Town. I have tons going on. Mentally and emotionally. Operation get these breast removed is going into FULL swing come April. I am tired and my body aches. I am over it. It's so funny to me, I remember in middle school praying I had boobs. Now I am praying them off!
Jumping all around....sorry.
Oh, work is interesting to say the least. Not much to share, it's honest. I make it there daily. The shift rocks, and each day is different. I work in a specialty clinic and you never know what you're gonna see or hear.
My social calendar has came to a halt pretty much. He doesn't do out yet. Told him that will have to change. I know I love to run.....I can stay at times, but not daily. I love him, I haven't openly written that yet. We aren't as different as we seem. And attempting to read a book together. Just a mess.
I'm gonna bring this to a close. Next post may be about me dodging people in Hobby Lobby or how I pray Summer in KS never ends because this new winter back...sucked like balls :)
Later until we meet again :)
New Year......time gone, habits remain.
Again it has been a while since I wrote....definitely a lot going on and me never finding the moment to just stop, breathe, relax, and write. The new year has gone well thus far. God has taken me many places and kept me together through it all.
Wait, let me start over....Thank you Lord for life and breathe and all the amazing things you have shown me thus far in life. I am approaching 5 months back in Midwest and have had 2 jobs. Beat that recession!
I got my first position with Core First (been trying to get into banking FOREVER), I applied multiple places, but after my second interview with bank managers I got a job offer that afternoon! I don't know that I have ever had HR work that fast. Typically managers have to wait on HR to get it together. So I was offered a FT teller position and I took it....worked 6 weeks I believe because SVHC was on it trying to get me on. I had applied and interviewed for 1 position ( it was given to someone else, but God had a greater plan) that same position I obtained with a November start date. And just like I wanted it was out of town :) )
I have gone back and forth with the idea of living in Topeka of course but getting out of town each day is helpful and I don't have to see the familiar faces while I'm working.
Decided to go ahead and post 3/11.
Wait, let me start over....Thank you Lord for life and breathe and all the amazing things you have shown me thus far in life. I am approaching 5 months back in Midwest and have had 2 jobs. Beat that recession!
I got my first position with Core First (been trying to get into banking FOREVER), I applied multiple places, but after my second interview with bank managers I got a job offer that afternoon! I don't know that I have ever had HR work that fast. Typically managers have to wait on HR to get it together. So I was offered a FT teller position and I took it....worked 6 weeks I believe because SVHC was on it trying to get me on. I had applied and interviewed for 1 position ( it was given to someone else, but God had a greater plan) that same position I obtained with a November start date. And just like I wanted it was out of town :) )
I have gone back and forth with the idea of living in Topeka of course but getting out of town each day is helpful and I don't have to see the familiar faces while I'm working.
Decided to go ahead and post 3/11.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)